Recently separated from the father of my children. It’s been really hard to get closure because of what I see as gaslighting, “the script” and complete denial of what he’s put me through. But don’t know if this is just a fair and normal reaction to me?
Over the years he’s:
Taken class A drugs, denied it, promised not to again, done it again. Screamed at me when I caught him buying it/coming home on it, “how dare you accuse me” when the evidence was in front of us both.
Cheated (v early on in the relationship, pre-DC so I let it go)
Sabotaged my job to the point I had to quit as I couldn’t be a reliable worker.
Restricted my access to money when I wasn’t earning.
Refused to tell me how much he earns.
Made jokes about me being SA’d in my teens.
Dropped off the face of the earth while me and the DC were at home, not knowing if he was dead or alive. This happened multiple times. I managed to hide this from them.
Expected me to do pretty much everything in the home whether or not I was working, all the organising, cleaning, cooking, school runs. He would do a deep clean of the house 2-3 times a year, empty the bins and want a pat on the back.
Rifled through my belongings and hidden things.
Shouted at me for being a bad mum because I went to the GP about my mental health. Told me my PND was too difficult for him and is another thing I’ve done to offend him.
Told his friends and family I’m a psycho who’s ruined his life, tried to convince my best friend and parents the same but they told him where to go.
The cumulative affect of all this has been horrendous. The worst part of it is his downplaying or lying it all, i.e. “that never happened” “well what about what you’re like” “I went to a dark place because of you” “we’re both to blame” “it’s not a big deal, you’re overreacting” “I only do it because of you”. When he says these things, he means because I didn’t want to be his best friend or show him affection 24/7, because I couldn’t pretend everything was ok, because I got snappy when he wouldn’t help around the house, because I’ve reacted to the horrendous things he’s done (yes I shouted and cried and lost it at times). When he says this I get sucked into a cycle of trying to explain myself and explain how his actions have hurt me, I get desperate for him to acknowledge his part in it all. I later catch myself thinking, maybe I’m the problem. He’s never going to own any of his behaviour, it will always be my fault and I just am in a headspin all the time. He says I’m a narcissist and a bully, and I always fall into an almost depressive state wondering if this is all because of me, if I’d been more laid back/responded better then maybe things would have been ok? I had a panic attack the other day because of things he said to me, I’m reactive and on edge all the time.
my question is, is this my fault, am I a narc? I’m really scared that if I am my children will grow up to hate me. I don’t know how to move forward because I have no closure because I’m always questioning if I’ve overreacted to everything… he wants me to “just get on with him” should I just let it all go for sake of constructive coparenting.
Dont know what I’m looking for really, just support or advice I suppose as I have no one I can talk to IRL. please don’t comment about how I should’ve known what he was like, I want to think about moving forward
sorry for ramble