In-laws never taken to me and it’s making me uncomfortable.

[Baconandbrietoastie]

Been with partner for about 5 years with one child. We are doing well, happy normal family. My in-laws have just never warmed to me. My partner is close to them so we visit but I never feel particularly comfortable. His family are very practical, don’t talk about feelings. I am different, a little spiritual. I don’t mention this very much because over the visits it is very clear they find me stupid. I don’t know why he has chosen a partner like me other than he is
more emotional then they realise.

They make comments about things I say. For example I bought a sofa that I really liked the look of and they laughed saying how nonsense this is and it should only matter how practical it is. It is similar to anything I talk about. I’m weird because I do things that feel good. I’m really out of place in this family.

Is anyone else a real black sheep in their in-law family? It’s making me feel uncomfortable.

The best advice I can give from 30 years experience is just carry on being you. Don't make yourself smaller to 'fit in'. Limit visits by you if that helps, but that doesn't mean your partner can't have a free relationship with them as long as he has your back. If they carry on making you or begin to make your DC feel stupid or less, fire a warning shot and let them know. We all have our limits. Your space in their world is no less valid than vice versa. Your partner obviously sees traits and characteristics he admires in you that he chooses to be the primary focus of his adult life and shape the character of his child. His family will see this. They may not want to understand and accept it, but they see it.

What weirdos - a sofa can be form and function.

I think say something like "well we're all different, aren't we?"

What's your dh doing and saying when they take pot-shots at you? Is he laughing along or ignoring it or stepping in?

No-one buys a sofa that they don't like the look of, regardless of function.

I don't fit in with my In-laws. Weirdly, the skill set they were very sniffy about is coming in bloody useful now that they're not able to cope themselves.

You be you and see them in small doses.

Mel Robbins interviewing Jefferson Fisher is a good watch.

I’m quite fond of my PILs, despite the fact that we couldn’t be more different, and they’re far too tactless to hide the fact that they’d have much preferred DH to marry his previous girlfriend. It doesn’t bother me, tbh. It’s difficult to point out to people with no emotional intelligence or imagination that the reason he married me was that I wasn’t like them. But, like I said, I’m still fond of them. And they’re in their 80s and not going to change.

Firstly, who cares what they think? Give far less thought to them. Secondly, it's not about you fitting in with their family, it's them not fitting in with yours! Thirdly, speak to your dh and explain that going forward he can either handle those comments or you will but they will be dealt with and need to stop. Be firm, reframe this and understand their little comments are likely rooted in jealousy or feelings of inadequacy.

as above just have a standard response like “life would be boring if we all thought the same” and just repeat everytime they criticise your thinking.

do they live locally, is it 10 minute visits frequently or a whole Sunday afternoon once a month because they live a distance away.?

What does your husband say when they make these comments to/about you?

That’s what I’d be concerned about. I don’t have a great relationship with my PIL, we are absolutely nothing alike and I do think they blame me for the way their relationship is with my husband because it wasn’t really until he met me and experienced being part of my family (just a normal happy family) that he realised quite how bloody awful his own parents treated him and that treating people the way they do is NOT normal so he did then put boundaries in place for himself, never anything to do with me.

I don’t really care what PIL think of me, they don’t have to like me just like I don’t particularly like them, BUT they aren’t a big part of our lives and my husband would never
stand for them badmouthing me or making comments to put me down (just like I
wouldn’t allow my parents to behave that way to him).

You do you.

Re.sofa I'd have laughed and said something like "I didn't realise we were living in communist Russia and the utilitariat reign supreme. Do you think the neighbours will report me for my western decadence!!!"

He probably chose you because you have what they lack - emotional warmth.

What did your DH say when they laughed at you for saying you chose a sofa on how it looked?

Do you really need to tag along to these visits if you don’t feel accepted?

Older doesn't mean wiser, it also doesn't mean more important.

If they had more intellegence they would be kinder.

You have a lot of options:
send DH without you
go but spend the whole time on your phone mumsnetting
go and hide alcohol in your bag to make it tolerable
silently spell fuck off on the roof of your mouth with your tongue
place bets with your DH as to how long it will be before they criticise you
push back with some prepared comments such as 'wouldn't the world be boring if we were all the same'

My SIL and I have survived on a mixture of all the above.

Also how much does your DH really really want to see them? He chose to get married to someone completely different to them. He is completely different to them.

When I made it clear to my DH we were going for his benefit not mine and he was thus forced to spend his time talking to his parents on his own without my help, he suddenly enjoyed it a lot less and visits tailed off.

You need to have something spicy ready to say back to them.
Like I take pride in what my house looks like etc or well if you think like that surely deck chairs would be more practical...

Never let them dull your sparkle

Yes, I married into a family heavily populated with anti-intellectuals. They weren’t actually particularly thick, but they did thick.

Anyway, when they found out I wasn’t going to be embarrassed about it, it soon wore off.

So with the sofa, a jolly “Well horses for courses, don’t worry it’s my own hard earned money I’m spending.” gives the message of polite disagreement but not taking any of it personally.

Similarly, with spirituality or religion just politely defend the right of people to disagree and to have their own view. If so many people find religion useful in their day to day lives, why are they so hostile?
You are giving them a free pass to belittle you, so start with a bit of polite pushback from a place of being happy with your own choices in life.

I feel the same about mine. We’re just very different. They are very extroverted, love big parties and organised fun, mostly talk about what people in their giant network are up to (boring for me as have never met most of them and don’t really enjoy this kind of update-on-the-neighbour-we-had-in-that-house-we-stayed-at-for-8-months-while-dad-was-on-that-placement conversation anyway). I am a small group person, love a feisty chat about politics or a long convo about what books etc. They seem to think anything about politics is quite rude (except some of the non-blood related ones, eg BiLs, but I often feel I’m not supposed to have those kinds of convos with the menfolk as it looks like monopolising someone else’s husband or something). I just switch off a bit when we have to spend extended time with them and busy myself with the children.

What did you say about your sofa to them?

Do you have to spend time with them? Can your DH not see them on his own?
My MIL didn't like me before she had even met me. As far as she was concerned no-one would be as good as his adulterous first wife, so I never bothered seeing MIL/PIL unless absolutely necessary.

She sounds like a real peach. I had a (dreadful) boyfriend whose mother was like this about his ex girlfriend. They still had long phone conversations and she constantly made pointed remarks about how attractive this girl was in front of me. Really tedious.

Stop visiting them. Do you plan to put up with this shit for twenty more years? Just tell DP you are too busy to waste an afternoon or a weekend being uncomfortable and insulted.