Partner never compliments me

[Kathleen995]

My partner and I have been together for 10 years and have two small children (2.5 and 6 months old). Our sex life has been, shall we say ‘quiet’ over the last 3 years or so I’d say.

I put a lot of this down to having two children in that time, but I also think it stems from my partner’s utter inability to pay me any kind of compliment. I used to pay him a lot of compliments but have stopped over the last few years tbh as it was never reciprocated and I just started to feel a bit shit. As a result I think it’s made me feel emotionally distant from him and this affects our sex life further (we probably have sex every 2 or 3 months…)

He’s a great and supportive partner otherwise, but it frustrates me that I have brought this up repeatedly over the last 8 or so years and he still can’t bring himself to say anything nice to me. He says he shows his affection in “other ways” like keeping the house clean (?? I’ve told him this makes no sense as we all use the house and make it dirty and both make an effort to keep it clean as a point of mutual benefit…)

There are also never any nice small, spontaneous gifts or surprises. When we’re all in the kitchen in the morning he makes himself a coffee and never offers me one. Helps himself to a beer and doesn’t ask if I want anything.

I feel like I’ve brought up my feelings so many times and it’s always rebutted with a “you shouldn’t need my validation” or something similar (which I find defensive as surely it’s just nice to make your partner feel desired, especially when I had a baby 6 months ago).

Anyway it’s all just making me feel a bit shit about my relationship and I’m starting to wonder if I’m wasting my time being with someone who doesn’t make me feel completely appreciated and desired? I know our lives are busy with work, kids, socialising etc but shouldn’t our relationship be a priority? He can be affectionate sometimes but the lack of compliments and regularity of digs at me (which are always disguised as “just joking” or “having a laugh”) is really starting to do my head in.

I don’t take any shit so I’m not some desperate wallflower hoping my partner notices me, I just wish my relationship made me feel a bit more fulfilled than it currently does, and for me to feel actually desired rather than a flatmate.

Does anyone else have a partner like this, and how do you deal with it? I’m starting to wonder if I can live the rest of my life with someone who a) can’t bring themselves to say anything nice to me and b) doesn’t seem willing - or able - to change.

For clarity, it’s not appearance-based compliments, it’s compliments in general 🫠

Well it's difficult to see how he shows his love for you in other ways if he is so selfish he can't even make you a coffee when he makes one for himself. And doesn't offer you a drink when he has one. Actually that is down right rude.

And the fact he makes digs at you would suggest he actually is very critical of you. These aren't jokes and you definitely aren't laughing at them. He is trying to undermine you and destroy your confidence. It sounds as though he actually doesn't even like you.

I don't understand why you say he is " a great and supportive partner" because everything in your post indicates he is nothing of the sort. He comes over as very uncaring and very unpleasant to you.

It doesn't sound as though he is bothered by the fact you are upset by his attitude. Quite the contrary. And I think you would feel much better with out him to undermine you and chip at your self esteem.

Chip, chip, chip. That’s what he’s subtly doing to your self esteem. It might not seem like it but put downs, disguised as jokes, is a form of emotional abuse. Have a read of this book and see if there’s any more things he’s doing, or not doing that are abusive. Abuse isn’t always overt and loud. Often the worst kind is quiet and subtle over a long period of time.

https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/mode/1up?view=theater

Anyone can be affected by emotional abuse, not just shrinking wall flowers. Often men will actually target confident, strong women to begin with and insidiously break them down. I think this might be what’s happening to you.

This man won’t change. You’ve already told him multiple times. Leave him. You deserve better.

the lack of compliments and regularity of digs at me (which are always disguised as “just joking” or “having a laugh”) is really starting to do my head in

this really hit home with me. My ex not once complimented me (except sexually). However he was quick to take jabs at me and mock me like he was joking. But all it made me feel is that he really didn’t like me all that much. It just felt mean because I would compliment him and never make jokes at his expense. It was very hurtful and made me feel very distant from him. Over time he felt only like a friend to me and not a good one at that.

I had a partner like this. I ended the relationship. For me there was no point in carrying on a relationship where my self confidence was shattered at every point he disvalued me by a lack of positive gestures.

Please respect your intuition experience—this is just not right. Its a terrible way to live and a terrible example to set your children. Its not hard to act loving towards your lover. That is, surely, the whole point? In addition the selfishness of his behavior with everything else is a massive signal to run, run, run.

I think many of us have had partners like this. He’s checked out of the relationship and doesn’t care about your feelings. It’ll only get worse and you’ll continue to feel alone.
By all means you could talk to him or try couples counselling but this is likely only heading one way. He’s not invested in your relationship especially if he thinks emotionally abusing you through criticism is funny. That shows you how he actually feels.

So either accept that this is now your life. Which is a miserable option for you and your kids, especially as it’s teaching them what to expect from a relationship.
Or leave. And be free of this.