I don’t feel seen. Have I wasted 3 years?

[WiseFinch]

Looking for advice really and a place to have a vent.
Been with BF for 3 years now. We have an age gap - I was just 20 when we met, he was 28. We’ve been together through my degree and I qualify this year, but I will be making less than half of what he makes currently.
He works away. Always has done. However he goes on lots of holidays, has loads of friends, currently he’s away on another lads trip of which he does about 3 a year.

He’s been making good money for a couple of years now and he’s telling me he wants to save for a house deposit, he wants children blah blah. But none of this is coming to fruition. He spends an awful lot of money on date nights for us which I am grateful for, but there’s no real, solid long term plan. The rest of his money is spent on nights out/crap from Amazon/crap he sees on instagram. He’s adamant he will never get married.

We have a good time together, but I’m sitting on MN on a Saturday night while he is abroad with his mates sending me photos in which he looks happier than he’s ever looked in any photo he’s taken with me. I love him. I want a future with him. I have my own plans- I want to do a self build on my parents property (they have land), he wants to buy somewhere in a town. I don’t know where he fits into my plans.

I might be overthinking because we are happy when we are together but this is about twice a week usually. We rarely have sex unless he books a hotel as we’re both living at home. What bugs me is he’s got an excellent job, 100% of his income is disposable, but he’s waiting on me to start working before buying a house. If he thinks I’m going 50/50 with him when I make half what he does, he’s insane.

I just don’t know what to do. I don’t think I should break up with him but I just don’t feel seen- what about what I want for MY future? Sorry this is long. Just a rant really. Would love some mum-style advice (I’m young but I’m on here as I’m a teacher and I’ve had such lovely advice on here before).

It's not going to get better, you have to accept it or move on. I think you are young enough to move on, it was nice but he's not good enough for you. You need and deserve a much better partner.

You aren't compatible. You want to settle down and live on your parents' land and he never wants to marry, he wants to travel a lot and live in town. He likes to spend impulsively.

Yes, you're wasting your time. Find someone who at least wants what you want. This guy doesn't.

Are you 23? Do you have any plans or ambitions? When I was 23, I wanted to travel and go to parties and festivals. It sounds like your boyfriend is enjoying his life.

I don't know why you want to buy a house and have children without having experienced anything first.

It looks like he's not ready to settle down yet so I'd move on.

Sounds like you have a part time boyfriend. If he was really into you he wouldn’t be adamant about “ never marrying” because depending on how you feel, you might not want to have kids and not be protected by marriage. In which case he’d lose you. So he’s obviously happy to take that risk.

As for expecting you to go 50/50 financially ( if that is indeed what he thinks) while in the future, taking time off work/ sacrificing your career to have his children, then you deserve better.

Why on earth would he settle down? He’s got you just where he wants you. A younger woman, dotting on him whilst he lives the non-committal single life with his buddies. He has told you he won’t get married. If you want to have children, leave him. If you want to get married, leave him. If you want someone who’s all in and will commit to you, leave him. This guy isn’t the one. He’s a lad. He still lives at him with his parents. He will want you to buy a house with him so you’re trapped and he’ll have a live in bang maid who cooks, cleans, raises the kids and services him sexually when he wants it, whilst he keeps living his single life with the boys. That’s your future if you stay with this guy. If you think you feel unseen now, it will be worse with kids in the mix. Move on whilst you’re still young and child free

His life is all about him isn't it?
His holidays with his friends, spending his money on whatever takes his fancy, and wanting children but not the commitment of marriage - presumably because he doesn't want to give the mother of his children legal access to his money.

I don't think he is a good bet for a long term committed relationship.

In fact you and what you want don't really figure in the relationship you have now.

If you qualify this year you have the potential for a really good life .

Don't waste it on this guy.
Go and enjoy yourself and when the time is right you will meet some one who wants to commit to you.

Yes. I’ve been there done it with festivals. Travel I can’t really do because of work, and I don’t hugely want to travel on my own!! We travel together.
What sort of things do you think I should experience basically? Genuine question as I’m feeling a bit lost in life.

You’re right and you do echo the poster above you. I’m just so torn. He is committed to me as in there’s no other woman/women, he’s just not grown up (yet?/ever?) past the lad stage. I’ve been happy dating as we are for the last 3 years but after being together this long I’d have thought there would be some sort of solid plan for us as a couple. It still feels like we are dating.

I think you should spend some time getting to know yourself. Travelling isn't just about going somewhere hot, you meet lots of different people and can have some amazing experiences. There is so much out there to see and experience.

Do you have any passions? For example the environment or helping people. You could live abroad for a few years working on a project. Try VSO or find a paid job, lots of places want teachers.

You sound lonely and a bit down. Can you join some groups or volunteer? I had a friend who learnt Spanish then moved to Chile for a year and had a wonderful time.

Hello, Lovely.

I hope this doesn’t sound too harsh, but if I was just seeing someone twice a week, and was having sex with him rarely as we both lived at home, I wouldn’t be describing him as my ‘boyfriend’, even if I’d been seeing him for 3 years. I think I would be calling him ‘someone that I see’. It doesn’t sound like there is really that much in this for you.

Others have already said and I agree; you can do better than this, and deserve more than this.

You’ve said that he is saying things about having children but that this doesn’t seem to be going anywhere. You also say that he seems to be waiting for you to be earning before committing to buying anywhere. And he says he will never marry??? Please don’t have children with a man who does not want to marry you.

I also think that the buying of constant crap is a red flag, if he is supposedly saving for a house mortgage. Spenders don’t tend to change their habits.

At your age, if it was me, I would end it and look for someone with whom you CAN see a solid future.

You sound very mature, sensible and clued up for your age, you have plans going forward. Again, honestly, I do think you can do better.

Don’t sell yourself short, will you? You are worth more x

@MrsTigerface @Maitri108
Thank you for your kind replies. I’ve picked up a side gig which I’m working on for a bit to keep me occupied in the evenings. I sound awfully lonely, I am not totally alone I have a big family and friends but my friends are all doing their own thing, work/uni, and I didn’t do the whole uni house share thing so I missed out on that closeness and lifelong friends. I’ve got about 5 friends but they’re scattered across the country. I’m quite introverted and a homebody so I don’t help myself really!

OP I think given his age, if he isn’t already looking to buy his own place or at least rent on his own or with you, and is still being “jack the lad” then he’s unlikely to ever grow up. He sounds like a commitment phobe. There will be men your own age who will want to live with you and holiday with you rather than their friends.
Hes told you he doesn’t want to marry, this is generally another red flag for commitment phobe. If you want a serious relationship I don’t think this man is for you long term.

Maybe go to Thailand south America and have some interesting trips with him. Life isn't just have kids and ger married it's boring. Do that at 30.

You’re just incompatible at this stage of your life.

He’s still looking to get out and have fun with a gf as part of his life whereas you want a more full time partner and to settle down. Brother of you are right or wrong, you’re just incompatible very different places in your life.

It did make me smile when you say you’ve ’been there done that with festivals - I’m nearly 60 and I still go to a few festivals every year 🤩

It’s time to end it. It’s run its course.
Sonetimes things can be good while they last, but you want different things, you may be younger than him but you’ve outgrown him now. Don’t waste your best years chasing something that will never happen, move on now.

You are only 23, that is still so young! Please don’t waste any more of your precious youth on someone who treats you so casually, let him go and concentrate on your career/friends/hobbies. Give yourself the opportunity to meet someone who really values you, if you stick around in this relationship you will most likely waste years and end up with nothing from it except unfulfilled hopes and low self esteem.
This should be an exciting and optimistic time for you, make the most of it and don’t settle for anything less than someone who treasures you.

If you’re feeling alone or lonely in a relationship then it’s not ok. You deserve to feel more than that. Have you talked to him about how you feel because it sounds like you’re just accepting things and feeling quietly unhappy.
are you nervous about how he will react if you tell him you’re unhappy, that he won’t be prepared to change things at all?

you do deserve more that this

Hiya, you sound like a lovely clued up young woman. Just wanted to ask, if suddenly tomorrow he decided he did want to get married, popped the question and said he'd gotten a deposit for a house together, would you say yes to the proposal? Is he the one for you really or is this part time nature of a reactionship suiting you too as you're actually not that invested in a long term future with him deep down? Would you spend your life with him? Sorry if I'm sounding horrible, not meaning to at all but just thought I'd put a diff perspective on it. Defo there is someone out there who is more compatible with you with similar values, you're very young, exciting times ahead and a proper love story, hugs and good luck! X

He's obviously not making you happy. You're only young and you deserve better - my twenties were spent partying and having multiple crazy, passionate, fun relationships. I'm not saying you should be doing that, but you should definitely be in a relationship that makes you happy.

You say you rarely have sex? I'm late 40s and have lots of regular, satisfying sex. Honestly, you deserve more than this idiot who doesn't seem particularly bothered about a future with you.