My dad keeps writing to me and I don't know what to do

[Thesoundofsilence16]

Name changed and I don't know if it's advice needed or just to write it all down as I don't have anyone to talk to about this. There is also much more I could say about some things growing up but they are things I've never told anyone ever. This is long and perhaps nobody will read it though anyway.

Growing up, my parents had a very difficult relationship. I think basically they married after a short time because my mum was pregnant, but really they should never have been together. The relationship hurt them both as people. I think I probably took on the peace keeper role as my mum and then my older sister were often very disdainful towards my dad, and I felt like he needed someone on his side. However, he also has a lot of flaws as a person - often self absorbed and self obsessed and I don't think he's ever really known me or wanted me to be anything other than an extension of himself. Very strong beliefs on everything that he always wants to 'convert' others to. He's also had a lot of mental health issues, which were swept under the carpet, never talked about openly and something we weren't supposed to know about, but were a sort of backdrop on things.

My parents had a fairly nasty divorce when I was a young teenager (long after they should have separated anyway). Shortly after this, my sister stopped talking to him. Their relationship had been difficult for a while and they were always having angry arguments about everything. Both very opinionated. I felt angry at my sister for a long time over this and our relationship never really recovered either - I think really though it was because I felt abandoned by her to have to deal with my dad alone from then on.

Anyway, I moved away for uni and for a while our relationship was pretty calm and 'normal' after this, albeit he was always fairly needy. Like frequent monologuing phone calls. But I still felt a sense of protectiveness towards him and I was aware that he needed me, having essentially lost my mum and sister, and all parents have their flaws. I always felt sorry for him.

Around 10 years ago however, he launched some very big news at me. I don't want to write it on here as it's very specific and I don't want it to be the focus of this. It came as a shock and I really needed time to process it, but instead found myself inundated with phone calls and letters. I remember silently sobbing down the phone on one occasion as he obliviously launched into a monologue about how wonderful all his new changes were and how fantastic everyone was being to him (having spoken to other relatives, I know this was not the case for people who actually knew him, who were all very much perturbed and concerned). I ended up sort of 'grey rocking' him because it was actually quite difficult and painful to speak to him. And I just didn't know (I still don't know) how to express any of this. I think I needed time to do a sort of grieving. He came to visit me and my now husband a handful of times after this and we were both unnerved by the change in him, total change in appearance, mannerisms and appearance. He showed only the most superficial empathy for me finding this hard and was more self absorbed than ever.

Gradually, contact dwindled down and down, although he'd occasionally call me tearfully saying how heartbroken he was by the state of our relationship, or write me lengthy letters. I've since moved to a different part of the country, started my own family, who he has nothing to do with. At Christmas we exchange cards and he sends money or presents for the children, which I text send a thanks for (I've told him he doesn't need to send things and we don't need anything). Occasionally I look him up online where he is quite an outspoken presence. He looks like a totally different person from the father I grew up with in every way - colourful hair, colourful clothes, tattooed, different outspoken beliefs in almost all areas. He has also given an interview of his life story online, which felt like a form of violation somehow to be spoken about as some kind of background figure without my consent, and also how he spoke about my mum. He doesn't know I've seen this however.

Occasionally, as in the case of this week, he sends letters. This week he writes telling me how acutely lonely he is feeling. I feel like I don't know how to respond. I feel terribly guilty for causing his sadness. Yet I feel he is now a stranger to me, and a confusing stranger to my children. I don't miss him in my life. He doesn't even call himself 'dad' at the end of his letters to me anymore anyway, so what even should our relationship be.

I feel that I remain silent because there are no words that won't cause further hurt. There is no way out of this. What is the point of trying to explain how I feel about things when the only outcome is hurt. I don't think he'd ever understand me and so much time has passed. But by not replying I am causing pain.

Parents can be a pain and dysfunctional

if this man was not your father… would you talk to him?

This sounds deep and painful. I know how that goes. You try to distance yourself but your mind doesn't let it go easily, regardless of how little contact you have.

I think the best way to try to get peace with this is to go to counseling. I mean, that's what they do, right? Good luck with it. ;)

He doesn’t care about you and is trying to use you as a prop.

you said you are a parent? Would you emotionally manipulate and guilt your child in such a way without any self reflection if they put distance between you when an adult? Or would you be trying to mend the issues that caused a rift?

children don’t have responsibility to their parents. It’s the other way around-Parents have responsibility to their church. You were asked to mediate and support him from a young age. This is bad for kids and well known and advised against when parents divorce etc. he failed you not the other way around. You don’t owe him care in his old age or company for his loneliness. None of us owe this even to good parents but we usually choose to support our aging parents because of the love and the bond they worked on our entire life. He hasn’t worked on it you can’t literally cut him off and owe him nothing. You are not an emotional support human to a man.

you say you remember your mum hiding her underwear. So there was stuff going on before your parents divorced. It’s likely an awful lot was hidden from you by your mother to protect you. Perhaps try to reconnect to your sister? Appolagise to her if she felt you had taken his side and explain you didn’t know all the facts being so young and he guilted you. You may find knowing more from your sister and mending that relationship gives you the confidence in yourself that you don’t owe your dad anything.

it’s hard with all the media attention on identity and transitions. It’s everywhere you look and with the narrative of the most vulnerable group constantly there in your face that will be making you feel guilty. But you were a vulnerable child and needed him when he was too narcissistic and self absorbed to be a father. What about how you feel? I saw others mentioned the trans widow’s website. There is also a trans windows thread on here you may find enlightening. The trans widows film on YouTube again will help you see the pattern in behaviour many of these men present, the utter self obsessed selfishness. I’m sure there is a website called children of transitioners or something similar too. You don’t mention having looked at these resources but your post is full of fairly typical feelings and experiences family members of these men say they feel. That again may help you do away with the unjust guilt you are feeling.

Bin the letters, ideally unopened if you can tell who they are from without even opening. Do you have a means of contacting him. If so, do that but once only to state very clearly that he is not to write you letters, you do not want them and he must stop, or you will report to police for harassment.

When people lack empathy, they can’t ever truly connect. This isolates them and they can see what they are missing out on. This is why people with personality disorders often hop from one great passion to another (like hobbies, careers, lovers, next big things, etc…). They look for external validation, and when it isn’t forthcoming, they don’t have the insight to be accountable for their part. All their life they are chasing, chasing, chasing fulfillment, and that thing they are pursuing has all the answers - until it doesn’t. Somehow in your relationship, have either been emotionally parentified or chosen that role yourself. You need to remind yourself of why the little child needed to be that way, make sure that it’s not a pattern repeated in your other relationships and accept that you are not responsible for the decisions made by an adult with whom you have never been truly connected.

With the greatest respect, you’ve clearly not had to deal with this character type.

Do not acknowledge anything sent to you from him; he wants a response and this to him will be seen as a reward. A response from you invites further communication and that is not what you want at all.

You should never have been the peace keeper in your family; both parents here failed you in that respect. That often happens in dysfunctional families and people end up playing roles. You felt you needed to side with your dad because your sister sided with mum.

Grieve instead for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got. Keep well away from him both physically and mentally.

We are not responsible for our parents' feelings. Parents who make their children feel this way are doing something called parentification, and it's abuse.

Please join the posters on the stately homes thread - lots of people on there who are dealing w difficult and narcissistic parents who will understand what you're dealing with.

This man cares only for himself and sounds like you're a supporting actor in the great and tragic drama that is his life. Everyone should see and support him.

And, being his loving child, you did.

Sadly when someone is like this, there is nothing you can do to get through to them. They don't wish to look beyond their own tragic, misunderstood role. They will dump their pain and loneliness on you, use you up. They choose to focus on themselves instead of actually focusing outside themselves and living life. That is hard to accept, that you in yourself mean nothing. You have to grieve.

You have four choices:-
-Give him everything he wants, sympathise and be there for him.
-Grey rock him as you are doing now.
-Tell him that you are not the right person for him to talk to about these things and trying him - every time he starts with the self pity or self obsession close the conversation down. Keep limited contact. Most of all, step back emotionally.
-Block him. Go non contact. "Let go, with love". I believe that children owe their parents something, but certainly not the right to consume them and suck their lives dry.

You have the power to make one of these choices.

Agree with a PP that trying to reestablish closer contact with your sister and your mum might be a very good thing to do. The relationship will be marked by the past, but you can go on and build something closer perhaps.

I know it's a long post, and I do try to not quote long ones, but there are several things you say in this which I feel are relevant to what I'm thinking.

There is more than one issue at play here.

It is far from being as simple as you finding it difficult to accept that your dad is no longer a bloke and for you to embrace the new trans persona. I think you would find it a whole lot easier to accept if you'd had a close and loving bond with him anyway. You did not have that close bond.

It seems to me that you could well be grieving the loss of the father you should have had but never did.