DP is in work meltdown and can't relax. How can I help her?

[enchantedbroccolligarden]

My DP is in work meltdown and the pressure is creeping into our home life.

I lost my cool a bit the other day because when I finally got a chance to talk to her at after 10.00 pm, she was sending emails from bed on her blackberry.

It just seemed a bit much, but she took my reaction to mean that I wasn't being supportive.

Nothing could be further from the truth, as I constantly encourage her to go as far as she wants with her career. But I can see how it came across this way. Fact it, over time, we have fewer and fewer opportunities for the depth of discussion that keeps a relationship up to date.

If you like, I'm not really coping with the set up - it's more my problem than hers.

How do people make time? We do have plenty of family time (all three of us) but none whatsoever with time to relax and talk about anything but our daily routine.

I can't see this fixing itself, and need a few ideas.

sounds like me and DH, and it's me that's constantly working.

We have sat down and talked about it, and if I have to work during the week it all stops at 9pm for "us" time, even if that means us just snuggling and watching TV.

I don't work on Friday evenings at all or Saturday's or Sunday day time.

If I start slipping he will say something, but if I have a big deadline etc I talk to him, tell him what needs to be done, when by and how long it will go on for at home.

Age old communication

HTH

Go out once a week or once a fortnight - make a habit of it. Get a babysitter, book a table at a favourite restaurant, have some wine and treat your relationship to some fun. Otherwise life becomes a constant slog which is not actually very rewarding for anyone and bad for even the best relationship.

Bluebutterfly, lovely idea, but on average, we have gone out twice a year or less for the last three years.

I can't see that happening. When I took her out for her birthday, we met after leaving work early, had a nice chat and were back home by 8.45

just wanted to say we tried the date night, once a week, and it was great at first then after a month or so we felt pressurised to go out so we've knocked it on the head

we too don't have big indepth discussions on a daily basis, we talk about our day and routine, we make sure we eat as a family and the family chat over dinner - so 30 mins max

by the time we're done with the day and routine we're knackered so hence the snuggling to watch tv

we have our discussions if you like over a bottle of wine on a Saturday night - so date night for us is now Saturday night, kids in bed and then time for us

does your DW know what you'd like from her in terms of "us" time ?

does she tell you what her workload is like so that you know when she'll be working until 10pm ?

This really sounds like me!! You need to sit down and tell her that you feel that her work is impacting on your home life. My DP and I had this chat a little while ago. I will admit that this was hard for me to swallow but I know he was right.

I have a blackberry and totally understand why they are called crackberrys.

We have agreed to spend one night out together per week and we are currently looking at taking up a sport together rather than just going out for a drink/meal as it is too easy to reschedule.

I'd perservere with going out sometimes, even if a regular once a week date is too stressful (can totally understand this, as it didn't work for dh and I)

Go swimming together (relaxing thing in itself) followed by meal, takeway or drink?

How much housework does your partner do in the evening - is this on top of her other work? is she a perfectionist round the house, do you each do half? Can you make more time by doing less housework?

funnykc - yeah, blackberries....grrr. Actually I got rid of mine 2 years ago and gave it to my DS as a toy. he loves it. I can't say it's reduced my effectivenes not having one.

Good idea to try and schedule an activity together.

I think with us, the whole restaurant thing is too fraught, rushed and contrived - certainly my experience of eating in most n londonish venues when everyone else wants to.

I will suggest going out to do an activity together somehow or other, even if it means getting some childcare cover to give us time to prioritise it occasionally at the weekend.

I'm in a similar position, except it's me in work meltdown (in fact I'm meant to be working now, what the heck am I doing on MN?!).

I sort of fondly hope that after the next software release in a fortnight's time, things might go back to 'normal' but actually I'm working on massive problems both in the live environment and in the next release after that, so I somehow doubt it will. I have started pointing out that I have masses of TOIL to take, so some allowance needs to be made for that.

Dh and I have no real time as a couple and I know it upsets him - not least because, as a chronically ill person, he has no real human contact except with me and ds.

Our problem is that doing stuff in the evening is basically impossible. He has to take a massive dose of painkillers at 8 and after that he's not fit for anything. Restaurants are impossible; not just because of his food intolerances but eating causes him severe pain, hardly conducive to a fun night out.

We've made occasional forays to the cinema over the weekend but that's totally reliant on childcare that ds will tolerate whilst awake, a lot harder to arrange than a babysitter.

I'm thinking about getting a blackberry .... (my SIL calls it a cranberry).

tigermoth...

good ideas. Ouch, that housework thing! She does come in and does quite a lot. It seems to be that we both 'see' different housework priorities and I do some willingly without being asked, but (I guess like many men) not others. For example I freely admit that I don't have a single pillow-folding muscle in my body. I'm generally very tidy and clean up as I go along, but as I often work from home, I have to be very disciplined about not getting sucked into making the whole place sparkle all the time.

There is something of a disequilibrium here and it's not right, but I don't see what would work.

I'd have a very short working day indeed if I started cooking and 'small' cleaning before she gets home. (I do a morning school drop-off and don't get back from that until about 10.00, which is pretty late in the day to start working.)

Just yesterday I decided that we urgently needed to get a cleaner to free up some of our time. Hopefully this will help (can do ironing and so on as well) but there are still the daily small things. I can't explain what these are very easily - the things that men don't normally worry about but women do, if that makes sense.

I think you need to talk to your dp about housework and if she is happy with how things are organised. I get the impression she may not be.

I'd guess that work meltdown is being made worse by her expectations of 'the second shift' when she comes home. This is also eating into your free time as a couple.

Good idea to get a cleaner, but some things can only be done in the evenings when a cleaner isn't there - cooking supper, getting things ready for the next day, etc - perhaps you need to talk to your dp and change who does what.

we are in the same situation except that it's me working stupid hours and dh complaining.
i know it isnt good for our family life and i dont want to be working like this but right now i have no choice and so i get furious when he moans about it, because i feel like should be sympathising rather than moaning, and that it's all about how he feels not how i do.
i also feel like he's trying to pressure me into giving up my job, which immediately makes me bristle, even though i dont want to do it either (doesnt make sense i know).
is this what your dp could be feeling when you complain about the blackberrying in bed (which you rightly find annoying)?
try sympathising about the fact that she's having to work so late rather than talking about the impact on you, and you might find she too is unhappy with this and might also wnt to change it.

Sounds like you need to write a very detailed list of all the domestic things that have to be done, and then decide who is going to do them, and when.

If neither of you can do them, then you have to find someone who can do them for you. Hire a cleaner, housekeeper, PA, Girl Friday - whatever - and stop the resentment creeping into your relationship.

BcauseImWorthIt, good advice. Yup, we did talk about the various tasks, who and when, first thing this morning and even had a laugh about it in the process.

There are still various things that will test the system from time to time - I think my DW is always going to be better at thinking in terms of the right school clothes being available than I am. My approach would be to note that we had run out of a certain thing and then do something about it -- this is what used to happen, disastrously, when I tried looking after our food planning! (To compensate, I do at least have a successful strategic approach to projects like building work, but that's not much good at a day-to-day level). But knowing our individual strengths and weaknesses, we seem to have a better way of going on from here.

Of course, it's not all about housework, but I think solving this daily time-sapper could be the key to better communication and that's a great start.