Need to divorce but STBXH refuses to discuss it

[lemmity]

One of the many reasons I'm asking him for a divorce is that he behaves like a massive child every time I try to have serious conversation about the absolute state of our relationship. He either walks away and refuses to talk about it or tells me to "leave then" (as in I get out of the house and leave the kids. As if, dickhead).

I'm speaking to a divorce lawyer on Sunday and I genuinely want to keep this as amicable as possible for the DC, but I have no idea how we achieve this if he won't even have a conversation about it.

I earn the same as him, both names on the house, no concerns about pensions etc (unless he goes after mine). I'm really worried about the effect on the DC even if we are amicable, but no idea how to get through it without lawyers / court / lots of shouting.

Has anyone been through similar?

Ask your solicitor

In particular can you get him excluded from the house

Sorry, no advice but I hope it all works out.

It won't be fun and he will refuse to engage the whole way. You will have to crack on through the courts. Just like my 1st husband who fought me all the way.
It took me 5 years but I got rid of him in the end. Once I set my mind to something it's as good as done.

Im just in the throws of this. I applied online £600. It notifies him via email. Process moves along. We didnt have a house to sell as we had already sold that. It wasnt until the sustem notified me to aply for a financial order i spoke to solicitor and got them involved. Be warned, theyre bloody expensive but i guess worth it. Every query gets charged for!

It's grim isn't it, I feel for you. I'll never get married again. I couldnt go through all that again.

The legal and practical details are in other posts on here, or you can find out in wikidivorce or from your solicitor, however, a big part of the difficulty, is emotions take over what is, essentially, a business/financial arrangement + a separate child care arrangement. Parties resort to emotional bullying/blackmail to try and influence the result, by “playing the man, not the ball (ie the law”. And it often works, as one party will often take a lesser offer to ‘get it over with’ or ‘keep things amicable for the kids/co-parenting relationship’. These reasons aren’t wrong, but it means the cycle continues as it works.

One of the best ways to withstand the emotional difficulties, is to have as much info about the process and expected end result as possible. To be realistic about what you are seeking, but also know your worth to not be short changed. And then to have lines in the sand - what is fair vs what are you prepared to accept to finish it, if it gets too much.

So read up on wiki divorce, get as much info as you can about pay amounts, pensions, bank accounts, value of house/equity and debts (this is for both of you). Then about childcare arrangements, what to propose that works for the children, and also what 50:50 might look like. Then, what benefits/CMS you might be entitled too, and then finally consider all this in light of your future - housing, pension etc. Take the emotion out of it, as though it was a business proposition you were dealing with at work. It will drag on, so like work, have a space/place to get away from thinking about it, whether creating a routine of going to the gym/exercise, a art/french class or meeting friends for coffee/wine/movies one night a week (and resolving not to think or talk about it during that time). It’s good to start to develop a life separate from your family (and even children, as soon you won’t have them full time and it’s good to already have hobbies etc in place).

You could try mediation once it becomes real to him.

I think you just need to crack on with filing for divorce. He can't ignore it forever.

Thank you all for your advice and sorry to everyone going through similar ❤️

Honestly, me neither. Its such a bloody ball ache to split up!

It can be hard going but totally worth it to be free. Hope things go smoothly for you OP.
Get as much paperwork as possible now, statements etc, in case he tries to hide stuff. Mine is still lying now…8 years on.

How much time does he spend actually looking after the children? If not much then the solution to his “leave if you want” type comments might be to leave every other weekend. And tell him that he has responsibility those weekends, and you have it the other ones.

Don’t help him, leave meals, leave notes, sort things out etc etc. He is much much more likely to be willing to discuss a plan for the house and a childcare schedule in your favour when he has had a taste of the reality of the work of single parenting…

Failure to engage can be a very expensive way to divorce be warned. Despite leaving me for someone else my Ex just wouldn’t engage in the process till it suited him. So it took 5.5 years to divorce as he ignored paperwork or filled it in wrong ( was this deliberate?).

My STBEXH wouldnt discuss it either. I think when it arrives in their inbox officially, they have to deal with it and it becomes real

Amicable is behaviour between friends.

You and he are clearly not friends so I would give up any idea of 'keeping it amicable' now.

Just follow the process as given to you by your solicitor.