difference in libido

[lia99]

hello, I know this is probably not the usual problem and not a huge one but here I go, I am in a relationship with my boyfriend of 3 years. My relationship is going great except for one thing, sex. I do not like sex, or masturbating or any of that I really dont like any part of it, it has nothing to do with him my relationship with sex is just bad because of my past and I overall really dont like the feeling you get from sex, he on the other hand has a very high libido. We try to find a middle ground but it gets hard sometimes as I force myself to do this and he forces himself to not be sexually active for long periods of time. Recently he proposed an open relationship just for sex, meaning he could go sleep around but nothing romantic. On one hand it would fix our problem and honestly would make it easier on me as I wouldnt have to force myself, on another I for some reason cannot bring myself to accept, I feel awful about the thought of him sleeping around but also think the idea is good for both of us. What do I do, am I unreasonable for not wanting to accept. (I want to mention he has never forced me to do anything sex wise and about the open relationship, I choose to be sexually active with him because I think it is important for both of us to put in effort on this matter.)

You're not being unreasonable for not wanting to, and he's not being unreasonable for trying to come up with solutions. Realistically relationships don't survive big libido differences, so I suspect it's whether this is an acceptable form of relationship for you or whether you'd rather break up.

You're sexually incompatible and that's a massive incompatibility.

He's proposed an open marriage. He's going to have to be honest with the women he's dating that he's married, not divorcing, and you might have to meet them to assure them that you are ok with the setup. But. How many women will be okay with that? I think he'll find his sex pool very shallow.

Do you think you would honestly be okay with him dating and having sex with other women while living under the same roof? What if he falls in love with another woman? It doesn't sound like this would work for you and it's not going to be sustainable

Neither of you is being unreasonable.

No one should ever be forced into sex or sexual activity they don't want either. You say on hand you feel forced to have sex to compromise but that he's never forced you. There's a slight contradiction within your op. I get what you're saying, in that you're trying to keep the peace essentially as is he by refraining.

You both seem unhappy with the current set up, therefore something does need to change. There's nothing wrong in not accepting an open relationship. And, with him not any/as much sex as he would like. In my experience, where sex drives differ so much it doesn't work. If you both can't reach an agreement on what is acceptable to both of you. Id call it a day sooner rather than later and both leave the relationship amicably, before resentment sets in ans sours the whole thing.

Personally, I couldn't be in an open relationship. The reality of him dedicating time to meet someone for sex, building a relationship with them to get to the point of having sex and the risks it entails. Not only from stds but from emotions that could ruin our relationship. And, I wouldn't be able to contain my jealously either. Saying that it can work for some couples.

You're incompatible. I really think remaining in such a relationship is unfair to you both.

Did you tell him you had no interest in sex before you got together? Or has your libido changed over the last three years?

I think it sounds as if you are asexual. I don't want to suggest you have to have therapy to 'fix' yourself, but maybe to explore whether you would like to feel differently, or would rather accept your asexuality?

That doesn't mean you don't feel normal emotions at the idea of your partner being with someone else. It seems that whatever option you choose, you seem to be forcing yourself to feel things you don't want to.

I do feel for your boyfriend as well. I'm afraid I don't see this relationship bringing happiness in the long term for either of you.