Controlling partner

[Anonymous051]

Hi first time posting, I’ve been with my partner for 15 years now. We have 2 beautiful children 13&14. When we are good it’s amazing however my problem is when I get asked to do things with my friends like go out for drinks etc there is problems. I am called fat, a slag, slut, ugly etc. He tells me he can’t have his own children I best find someone to look after them, tells me he will come and find me and bring me home infront of my friends (which he has done before!) if we have things booked or planned with our friends in the future he tells me we aren’t going no more. I have never cheated in the 15 years, he was messaging a lady about 10 years ago now and i took him back after months Of him trying. When he has a night out there is no problems my end I tell him to enjoy himself, he has been on holiday with his friends 2/3 times abroad I never have had a girls holiday or been away with my family by myself in 15 years. I feel I am at the end of my tether with it all but I don’t know what or how to do anything. Will my children hate me for leaving? When I’ve threatened before he says he has no where to go so stays in the house while “looking for somewhere” and then we end up just back together. Please don’t judge it’s my first time posting and I’ve kept deleting this not wanting to post. Sorry I’ve rambled on.

Am glad you have posted.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?.

What is the situation re the finances and property?. Do you work outside the home?. Are you named on any mortgage document, tenancy agreement or title deed?. Is he your kids father?.

You are in an abusive relationship with this man and he will not allow you to have a life of your own outside of him. He wants to keep you in a cage of his own paranoid making so your relationship now to him is over, or it should be.
Where is your own real life support here?. Parents, friends etc?.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they leaning here?. They will not hate you for leaving him but he is also teaching them very damaging lessons about relationships and in turn abusing them because he is abusing you their mother. He is not a good dad to his children if you are being abused. Controlling you like this is not love at all nor is it at all meant well from he. They are also watching you and are learning from you as to how relationships are conducted. You would not want them to be in such a relationship as adults and you would want better for them. You and he need to be apart. It is over and he has likely cheated on you in the past too. Your mistake there was to at all take him back, it was over then too. Now he is taking you further for a fool and he has no respect for you.

It is not your problem either he apparantly has nowhere to go; that is his sole responsibility and not yours to carry for him, such types always say they have nowhere to go.

You need to plan your exit from him with care and this is also where Womens Aid can also help. Do contact them and keep posting here. Do not enter into any form of counselling with him, it is not recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship.

Do read Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft. This man of yours is in those pages.

I pay for all of the bills, the tenancy is in my name he literally has no record of living anywhere. He pays for the food when he wants to even though he’s on a good wage. My dad has had problems with him in the past and thinks things are ok now as I have stopped telling my family about him as it was getting to much listening to them and listening to him. I work yes, I rarely need my children looked after etc as I am home 15inutes after they arrive home. He owns my car which I drive but that’s not a worry to me as I work close to my home. I hate the idea of my children seeing and thinking it’s normal to live in a relationship like this and hearing the nasty words. I am at the point where I do not even answer/speak back as I have no energy to do so any more. Some of the accusations are just ridiculous and I’ve spoken to my friends who don’t like him and will support me also.

People like this don't change.

He's controlling and abusive.

It's not a fair, equal relationship.

I would worry his jealousy and control is founded in projecting his own behaviour onti you and others (because he cheats/would cheat).

Thank you for your reply. I think I have always thought because the good times are really good it would be ok an he would change. I love him so much but I am sick of missing out on so many things because I’m scared of the consequences. (He’s never hit me) but has broke furniture etc and threatened (he came from a broken family where dad beat mum etc and cheated, his ex cheated etc) so o think that’s why he thinks it’s all ok and normal behaviour.

Please kick him out. I know it’s easier said than done but your children are witnessing this controlling behaviour and he is modelling to them what a ‘normal’ relationship looks like. Your teenagers will be affected and influenced by this even if you do your best to shield them from it, until you find the strength to get rid of him. Please please do it as soon as you can. The age your children are at it is so important they see the consequences of his actions … they will already be finding this far more difficult than you realise. I work in a school and many of my teenage students talk with me about home life, relationships between parents… if nothing else, please get rid of him for your children. They will thank you!!

Thank you for your reply also. The sad part is he used to work away, and myself and children was so chilled, as soon as he was home there was moaning and arguing about the house being tidy etc my child said the other day that the atmosphere is different when he’s home and that I look happier and more calm when he isn’t there 😢 x

You need to find the courage within you to kick him out. Have some people with you when you do this.

What do you love about this man?. He’s come into your home and wrecked it both physically and mentally. Your love cannot make him into a better person so do not waste your life trying. Read about codependency and see how much of this relates to yourself. You are not a rehab centre for some badly raised man.

Where he goes is not your problem nor responsibility. You are only responsible for your own self and kids and he targeted you to abuse.

Do it for your kids if not yourself. They are indeed noticing.

Your children won’t hate you for leaving, they will eventually be grateful.
This relationship is teaching them what relationships should be like, and that is not healthy at all.
You’ll be setting an example by leaving and freeing yourself from this insecure controlling man!
Life is too short to live like this! Free yourself and go enjoy your life…

Following

Thank you everyone for your replies. I need to take your advice on board and do this for myself and children 😢🙏🏼

You have done absolutely the right thing by asking for advice, support and help on here. There are so many people who have been in such a situation and who have found ways to leave their abuser.

One thing you have to your advantage is that you are named on the tenancy and he isn't, so it would be easier for you to make him move out.

I’m unsure about being easier as I just know he will make it as difficult as possible. That’s what I’m dreading. The aftermath of everything.

I had one like that, could not get rid of him. A nasty fuck he is.

Speak to your family and friends. Round them up as a team and let them help you put him out and change the locks. Each time he comes back, ring the police to remove him.

It won't be easy but you need to get rid of this specimen for your kids sake.

OP seeing he is not on the tenancy legally he has no right to stay there if you decide you have had enough of your abuser.

If you do decide to leave, please log it with the police as abuse may escalate right after or in the weeks after. He may try and wear you down by saying he will commit suicide. He may say things like "I have changed. I will go go therapy all attempts to reel you back in. He may try and intimidate you via text, email and coming to the property at all hours of the day. All to break you down.

Abusers like this dont go easily. So log it with the police. Also call your local woman's aid. They will be able to provide you with moral assistance.

But please leave. He will never change. But he will get worse.

Op I had a partner like this. It lasted about 6 years and it took me a good 2 years to get rid of him.
He was exactly how you describe your partner. He was abusive if I wanted to have a night out and obsessively jealous, if he thought another man looked my way even when shopping there’d be chaos.

One lady I got talking to once when I was on a rare night out told me “he’s like this because this is his mindset, he’s cheating and he’s paranoid you do the same” I was having none of it because he was totally obsessed with me.
She was right though. Turns out he’d cheated with multiple women having one night stands and even had another house and another girlfriend living in it.

I’m not saying your partner is cheating but keep it in mind. He sounds a nasty piece of work and he won’t change, this is your life now if you stay with him and if you were a friend of mine or family I’d be begging you to get rid of him. If you want him to leave get some help to get him out or leave yourself, you can do it and you won’t have to put up with that shit.
That sense of freedom is beautiful when they’ve gone and your life is your own.

This is spot on. People who are obsessively paranoid are usually like this because they are doing the same themselves, they know what they are capable of and think you must be at it too.

But you're dreading your life as it is now and in the future, so which is better? To rip the plaster off and have difficulties in the short term but then be free of him, or know that you will always be trapped in this awful relationship?

So sorry that he treats you so badly. Please contact Women's Aid for support. As others have said you need to end this awful relationship for your own good and that of your children. Sending you best wishes x

The aftermath will eventually be over.

If you stay with him, it won't ever be over.

You need to reach out to Women's aid and the police, 101.
Ask for advice.
Coercive control is a crime.
Breaking stuff is domestic violence.

Do it for your poor children.
Get him out.

Your children will be happier.
God knows what they have heard and seen over the years.

Put your children first, get him out.

I don’t want to alarm you but you need to be very careful. The statistics show that men who are extremely controlling like your husband are more likely to cause serious harm to their partner when they try to leave than someone who has been physically abusive in the past.

Just because he hasn’t hurt you before doesn’t mean he won’t. I would recommend you getting support from a domestic abuse charity/ women’s aid as they should be able to support you. What you are experiencing is abuse and is not okay.

You are right to leave. You deserve to live a full life without constant fear of his reactions.

Honestly every thread about an abusive relationship on here always says something like ‘when it’s good it’s amazing’ ‘he’s so sweet kind and caring’ - because that’s the crumbs he’s throwing you to cling to when he’s being a complete and utter cunt the rest of the time.

You are in an abusive controlling relationship with a jealous prick who won’t change because this is who he is. You’re teaching your DC that this is what relationships look like and then women are doormats to be trodden in by men.

Please tell him to go and stand by your decision. If you need to, give him a date to be gone by and don’t waver on this. If necessary, ask a couple of male friends or relatives to be there on the day he goes.

Don’t waste the rest of your life with this abuser - there’s so much more to life than this shit

What would happen if you told him you were going away with your family for a week, he can't really say he can't look after the DC as they are old enough to look after themselves. What would happen if you went for a holiday and took the DC with you.

He wouldn’t give permission for our children to leave the country etc I know he wouldn’t so would it be classed as kidnap?!