Should I leave my husband?

[Stepiver]

Please give me some advice- my OH and I have been together 10 years and have 2 kids. I do not feel I love him anymore but I also feel like our relationship is OK and I don’t want to blow up our kids’ lives just because I don’t love their dad anymore. My main issue is he’s so bloody miserable/negative and we never really have fun together. He’s very anxious about the state of the world (Russia/Trump etc) and so doesn’t want to go on holiday or anything while the world is ‘going to shit’. He puts on a happy face for the kids and he’s a really good dad but I just don’t enjoy his company. The last few holidays/breaks we’ve been on- he’s ruined it for me. The kids have had fun but I haven’t. I feel like leaving him (or forcing him to leave) would be selfish. I would also struggle as a single mum to 2 young kids. I don’t know what to do! Please help 😩

Have you tried getting him to the gp to discuss his mental health, (possible depression or an anxiety disorder?). If not, it might be a way forward, if he's open to that.

@category12
yes he’s been to the GP and counselling several times over the years and been on antidepressants etc. they work for a bit and then he gives up. He sees it as he’s not depressed/anxious as his fears are reasonable 🤷🏼‍♀️

What was he like when you got together?

You will not blow ups their lives by you leaving him. Why would leaving him be a selfish act?. Is that what he's told you. Staying in what is now further a loveless marriage will harm them even more, do not further do your bit here to teach them such damaging lessons about relationships. He's treating you as his wife abysmally.

How is he a really good dad?. What made you write that of him at all?. It is not true is it. You do not like him as a husband and no longer love him. Your kids may love their dad but children love parents anyway no matter how crap they actually are. And their dad is emotionally harmful as well as volatile to both you and they. How many more family occasions is he going to ruin on your watch?.

Women in poor relationships often write the good dad comment as well when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man, Just as you have done here.

He sounds emotionally abusive and uses his moods to control you all and keep you under the cosh. This is likely why medication and counselling have had no effect on him. Better to be on your own with your kids (you're practically alone now within this relationship as it is) than to remain so badly accompanied. It is only a matter of time before they potentially start to copy him too and badmouth you in the process to protect their own selves from his wrath and rages. Such men do not change. You are married to him and thus have rights in law; exercise those fully and free yourselves from being under his moodiness aka emotional abuse.

You have a choice re this man, your children do not. Do not make this the cornerstone of their childhoods and for you both to be the cause of why they are in therapy decades on. They could also accuse you of putting him before them if you were to choose to stay with him so your own relationship to them as adults could potentially be damaged. In addition they won't want to come and see you either if you are still with him. Do reach out to both a local Solicitor re all aspects of divorce and separation (knowledge here is power) and Womens Aid.

@Beyondburnout really happy go lucky but clearly with some issues. We used to go out a lot and party/have fun before the kids. He did a lot of drugs in his early years but stopped everything about a year into our relationship and hasn’t touched any since.

Such types are on their best behaviour when they are in the first flush of a relationship. the mask slips over time though because it is an act they cannot hope to maintain.

Your further writing re him does not make him sound any better. Your boundaries are being further eroded here by this man and it does not sound like they were all that secure to start with.

Hey! I hope you're ok? So for now, I would try and stay together but live sort of separately in the house. Do you have your own rooms? If not, maybe try and sort the layout so you have separate spaces/beds...
Go on holiday yolo!!! But go without him! Tell him how you feel and go away on your own. Have a hol alone whilst he has the kids and then have one with the kids and a friend whilst he stays at home..
Live your life still try not to let it get you down. Tell him how you feel and just give yourself a bit of space but without full on splitting up. I've had thoughts like this. For now I feel like I'm I'm a bit of limbo. We sleep seperetly and work opposite shifts I still love him and care for him but it's just not right, we have a 4 year old. I think young children change your outlook on life and relationships. For now I'm going with the flow as I don't want to break the family up, I will see how it is in a few years but for now I have my nights out and he has his.
Don't rush a decision, but Try not to let it consume your life xx

OP how are you doing now?