Love versus In Love

[LuciaSpain]

I'm just keen to hear what people think the difference is. I'm not talking about the initial romantic feelings versus a long lasting love.

For example, my stbxh and I. We loved each other at a level but we were not in love, probably never were really. On a certain level, we were respectful of each other, got on well, talked about superficial things, not unpleasant. For me, I was incredibly lonely, felt he never really understood me or wanted to truly know me, wasn't there when I needed him the most. If things suited him, he was happier again and liked to mostly talk about his own life, not mine.

So what's the difference in your view? What is the connection needed for a healthy relationship?

I don’t think this is a real thing. I think it’s a throw away phrase people use when they are trying to explain how they ended up in a relationship that’s not right for them but that they won’t extricate themselves from for whatever reason. I love you (am stuck with you) but not in love with you (don’t really want to be, but hedging my bets still or afraid to be alone or like the financial benefits).

I don’t see how anyone could love someone who made them feel lonely, never made them feel properly understood or heard, and wasn’t there for them. I mean, what is love if it isn’t the opposite of all that?

I do agree that it's a phrase that's used a lot to describe allsorts of relationships.

On the final paragraph. That's the thing, I no longer love him because of his actions being the opposite of love but probably will always love him as the father of my children, on a superficial level. Can still sit with him and enjoy his company. I guess all through our relationship, I loved him differently to how he loved me, on a deeper level.

I think love is deeper than being "in love" , but agree with PP that people use not being in love as an excuse to leave.

In love is the fluttery feeling when it's all new. Love is being there for each other and properly connected in the long term.

I don't think what OP describes, feeling lonely in a realtionship, is love. The care and respect is what you might have for a good colleague, but you don't love them.

For me I think I loved my DP in the same way I would say that I love friends or family. I cared about him, it made me feel sad to think that he was sad, I would have missed him if I never saw him again etc. But once I fell in love to the point where I told him “I love you” it was more about that shared experiences, meeting of minds, putting him first, feeling more than ‘caring about him’ to the point where I would be more than a little sad to never see him again, my life just wouldn’t be the same without him in it.

Does that make sense?

I only made the distinction really because he was hesitant to be in a relationship at all as he said he always ends up hurting people. And I remember telling him its ok, I’m not in love with you, you can’t break my heart! If things end I’ll be ok. I’ll be sad of course, but I don’t need you to protect me as I’m ok with or without you, I’d just rather be with you. Then one day it hit me that I was ‘in love’ with him and things changed!

I think it's the mutuality of it.

You can love someone without them loving you back. Plenty of relationships end when one person still loves the other.

But to be "in love", you need to both love someone and feel loved in return.

I use them both in a very different way.
Love is what I feel for a lot of people: my husband, my children, my mother, my best friend. Love in that sense means deeply caring for that person and wanting nothing but the best for them, regardless of what I'm getting out of that relationship.
In that sense I loved my ex-boyfriend, because even after we split up I still hoped he would find happiness, and I wished him the very best. You can love someone even from afar, and even if they are no longer actively involved in your life. I still love my father even though I've been NC with him for years and years. But even though I don't want him in my life, I hope he's happy.

Being in love to me is more of a neediness. When I'm in love, I just want to be around that person all the time. I just want to crawl in their skin and live there, spend every moment with them. It's more extreme, but also more fleeting than love. And I think it's more based on what I want or need from that person, on what they can do for me or how they can make me feel.

I think you can love someone without being in love, and I think you can be in love without loving someone. But you can also love and be in love at the same time.

I agree with @mindutopia, and also @Girlmom35 ’s point about ‘in love’ being a temporary madness where you can’t be apart from the other person.

To me ‘in love’ is an initial hormonal blur that may, but doesn’t always, settle into lasting ‘love’.

In love is temporary and more romantic with lust. Loving an ex can be like a sibling or an old friend.

I was incredibly lonely, felt he never really understood me or wanted to truly know me, wasn't there when I needed him the most.
... What is the connection needed for a healthy relationship?
I was together with my exh for 20 years and thought we loved one another. But as the years went by, it felt more and more like what you describe here.
Now I am with someone who understands me better than I do myself, who remembers things I say and acts on them, who is there when I need him. It's a totally different ballgame and I can't remember now why I ever thought I loved my ex.
Some people are just not capable of that kind of relationship. though, I think.

I’m not sure, some good points above. What I do know is the few people I know personally that have told their partner this have generally been men having affairs and trying to placate their wives before leaving for OW. By saying they love their wives but are no longer in love with them they think it softens the blow? But most already suspected a third party was involved.

To me if I love someone then I just love them. Maybe I’ve just never truly been ‘in love’ ?