Friendships in your 30s?

[TheBlueRobin]

Would like to hear others experiences or whether it's just me.

When I was in my 20s, my life felt very rich and carefree and I constantly had plans with friends. A big group of uni friends, a group of girls from school, work colleagues that became friends, I was part of a pub quiz team etc.

Alcohol obviously played a big role in all of this, alongside nights out, but I used to have whole evenings and weekends committed to seeing friends and hanging out, great quality time.

Now I'm 31 and I'm not sure whether it's shifting priorities or covid or what but life looks very different. Friends are now scattered around the country and priorities have shifted as people have started families. I still see my close friends and keep in touch regularly, but requires a lot of logistics and planning across the country. The bigger group meet ups tend to be saved for weddings. But even the friends who live closer or who don't have families yet I see less frequently and feel like everyone is more inward?

Admittedly my life looks different. My partner and I moved to a market town from a capital city and I haven't lived in my hometown since I was 19. My mum passed away a couple of years ago and I don't have siblings, so I've always valued my friendships. I look at people with close relationships with siblings or close knit friendship groups from school with such longing. Friendships are there but not as easy or convenient anymore.

Is this just how it is? Maybe I need to be more proactive?

I'm fine that some friendships have dwindled and fizzled out, maybe it's about quality over quantity?

I've looked to how my life can be richer in other ways, such as joining a book club, a grief support group (not as sad as it sounds, very friendly and sociable), prioritising my fitness and hobbies and doing a qualification, DIY house projects. In some ways I don't miss the constant busyness and hangovers as I'm naturally quite an introvert (I actually thrived during covid) but still feel a bit sad about the shift.

I must admit I did find this with friendships. Much like you, I don't live in either my university city or hometown, so friends and siblings are scattered all over the country (and globe in some cases). Work colleagues have all aged with me and have different priorities to big work nights out.

I have, however found that as I have entered my 40s there is more desire for a social life. Kids are a bit older and easier to leave for a night out/ weekend away, career is stable, people have more disposable income and I've made a lovely group of friends who have children in my son's class and we regularly meet for tea and nights out.

Thanks. That's interesting and I hope something similar will happen to me. We don't have children yet and also think we're likely to move away in the next few years so we'll see...

But why not just make some new friends if you’d like a more sociable life? It’s not as though it’s some rule that your school and university days are your friendmaking era’, after which you just coast along with whatever you have. I’m 52 and have moved around a lot, and am still making new friends while keeping the old.

My friendships went like this:
Teenage years: close friendships through school
Uni years: Great, strong friend circles, both from school and uni. Almost daily social activities, taking trips together, rarely eating alone, vacationing together.
Early work years: Loads of social contact through new work friends, regular meet-ups with school and uni friends
Late 20's/early 30's: Busy lives, tired after long work days. Seeing friends became rare and many old friendships didn't survive. Also different stages in life created distance. Some friends had 3 children already while others were still living at home and partying all weekend.
Early 30's I became a mum. Those were the loneliest years for me. Felt completely isolated, too tired to invest in my friends, parenthood taking a toll on my marriage.
Now 35, kids in school and I feel like a new chapter has begun. My good friends from before now all have children around the same ages and we are reconnecting. And also I've met a few really nice mums whose children go to school with mine. I have time and energy to do something in the evenings. I do a yoga class with some friends every week. I have after work activities with work friends. I'm taking a course to advance in my career and meeting great people there. Plus, home life has stabilised and I enjoy spending time with my family.

I think it can get better, but you have to really put yourself out there and make it work.

I am trying really hard and been proactive. As I said in the OP I'm part of a book club and support group that is really good and met some great new people. I hope that continues.

Also I'm friendly with colleagues and said 'yes' to more things, I.e. going to drinks with a friend and her pals.

However new friendships take longer to embed as we all have busy lives!

Since uni, my friends have all been scattered across the country. I have lived in London since I was 24 and have never had more than a few friends from different groups also living in London at the same time. In my 20s, I tried lots of different hobbies and events etc so kept busy and also lived in house shares so would hang out with housemates and their friends too. Also we were all in the office more so it was easier to make work friends and after work drinks etc. And I used to visit friends in different cities/have them visit me all the time - probably at least once a month.

Over time, I moved in with my partner, got a dog, bought a house, wfh more etc so my life is just very different. Being in a serious relationship even without kids, I do have less time to see friends as I have to also socialise with my husbands family and friends as well as wanting to spend time just us. Now I see friends 1-2x a week and then I do have a social hobby as well that i go to most weeks. But it does definitely feel less busy and I find friends often more available during the week and busy at weekends so it’s easier to do an after work meal. Being proactive is key though - my husband often says that he doesn’t see his friends as much as he’d like but he hardly ever initiates the invites and when he does they usually do get something planned… whereas I just message someone if I haven’t seen them in a while without too much thought and see when they’re free.

The big group meet ups are definitely harder - we used to all squeeze into one persons flat as a group of girls but now we like to bring partners, kids, dogs and want our own beds so need more space. The weddings did make it easy to get everyone in one place but most are married now.

You do naturally lose touch with some people and I think that’s just part of life. I find I am more motivated to put a lot of effort in to maintain some friendships even if it feels one sided at times, whereas others I am more comfortable to lose touch with.

Absolutely they do, but they’re absolutely possible if you prioritise them and are proactive. When I’ve moved somewhere new (the last time was just before Covid, when I was in my late 40s, and was an international move), I think about making new friends as practically and as immediately as I do about unpacking.

Oh absolutely! I agree. My circumstances were slightly different, my Mum died about a month after I moved two years ago so it's only really in the past 6 months I've had the headspace to want to prioritise other relationships again. Sometime I think it's just taking the initiative and reaching out to someone or organising something.

Sounds very similar to me! Again I noticed my partner will go weeks or even months without seeing his friends but he's quite introverted and doesn't really occur to him. I just don't want to get too insular!

Likewise. Gone are the days you'd fit 10 people in a two bedroom flat for a weekend and be happy to sleep on the sofa! The big group meet ups are lovely when they happen but more costly and more planning needed.

Some friends I know unless I reach out I wouldn't really hear from them but they're thrilled if we do something, whereas others I've been okay to let trail off I suppose.

Sounds normal OP. In my 20s I did lots of socialising with uni friends and work colleagues, then in my 30s people started moving away and having babies and it became less frequent. I then made a whole new set of friends when I had DC and was keen to meet other mums.

Very best wishes for it all, then. I was just sounding (possibly too) gung-ho because I see so many defeatist posts on Mn which seem to think that your window for making friends slams permanently shut aged 25. That’s not been my experience. Be kind to yourself about it all, too — grieving your mum’s death is a FT job for a good while, I imagine.