is not being happy ENOUGH reason enough to split up? not sure my marriage is all its cracked up to be : (

[belcantavinissima]

ok so dh and i arent desperatelu unhappy, but by no means are we desperately happy either iykwim. i cant imagine that we would be still together now if it werent for the kids tbh- tho perhaps if we didnt have the kids things would be easier anyway
there is inequality in the relationship. i do everything in the house yet it never seems to be enough. i always feel that he thinks i could do more. but, he works very hard and brings in a good salary. we have a big mortgage, one child at private school etc etc. i dont work- we have 3 kids, and not qualified to do anything useful that would make it worth my while. he is out alot doing work things and 'networking'. he is often home after midnight. i go out with my friends every couple of months but never really let my hair down completely as know if i am suffering with a hangover the next day i may get a bit of a lie in but will still be expected to go out with the family the next day etc whereas frequently he has ruined a whole weekend by doing the same.
i feel at the weekend or when he is at home the housework etc shuld be split but it never is., in fact i do more at the weekend kind of to show him that i do actually do something. he moaned today because i hadnt done a job he asked me to do last week and that i took dd for a day out shopping when i should have been doing the jobs. so apparently now i am not allowed a break at all???
we dont have sex. and i mean really hardly ever, every 3 months or so because i feel i ought to. i dont fancy him. he has given up asking me for it. i wonder why. i have lost a lot of weight recently and am feeling better about myself but i feel its been a waste of time.
last week out of the blue he said he thought we should seperate as our bickering (which is v infrequent tbh as i avoid confrontation with him- he then accuses me of acting like a teenager) is upsetting the kids. he said he thought we were both unhappy. i asked him if he was unhappy and he said he didnt say that and i was twisting his words. wtf?? . the fact is the 2 boys both have SN and would be difficult regardless. in fact i manage them better on my own. i have come to the gradual realisation that he does not value me, and i dont think he cares about me.
this week i have discovered a lump in my breast and am sh*ing myself about it. the day i went to the gp aout it he was off on some jolly 80 miles away. he knew i was worried. he could have come home. but he stayed out til 2am. all i have had to talk to have been my friends about it as he hasnt been around and been dismissive of my fears about it. last night he said to me why was i going on about it to everyone i knew and that it seemed to him that i wanted it to be cancer.
the main reason i stay is for the kids but then what about me? i cant imagine he is happy either. also i have no money and he pays for eveything. also if we did split up would i be alone forever more? who would want to take on a woman with 3 kids esp 2 with issues? maybe having something a bit rubbish is better than having nothing at all?
sorry for wittering, as i have wrritten all this i realsie it all sounds a bit awful and the answer is possibly staring me in the face. i dont know what to do.

oh god sorry that was very very looonnnng

bump

it does sound like you are both unhappy. Do you still want to be with each other under all the stress of every day life and 3 kids?

oh and whys he out so late so often? you are effectively doing the single parent thing by the sounds of it

what a sad situation, hope the lump doesn't turn out to be anything serious. It is shocking that he did not give you any support over it. The only thing I can think of is to consider counselling, I wouldn't think about splitting yet as all marriages have ups and downs. In the first instance I would suggest that you try to talk things through calmly and rationally and tell him how you feel.

Oh you poor thing. He really doesn't value you does he? It doesn't mean to say that it is over though. Regardless of the practicalities, would you like to stay together and make a go of it, and do you think your DH would? If you both have the willingness to change then you can improve things. If either of you doesn't then...well...

Could you schedule a time when the children won't disturb you, to have a serious talk about what you want from your marriage and how you can improve things? Would you consider counselling?

If the worst came to the worst you would cope and you would meet someone new, but you may not have to. You may be able to have a hapy mariage again. In fact, was it ever happy? What did you like/love about each other when you first got together?

i dont know. thats the thing i suppose. we have been out on our own a couple of times recently and i was so bored. he must have felt the same. we had nothing to talk about. i would have rather been out with my friends and i am sure he felt the same. we went to relate a yr and a half ago and things eventually improved a bit. but they are back to where they were again. i dont trust him- he has cheated on me before- and i cant forget it. i want to but i cant. i keep wondering if he is bringing up this 'we're not happy' thing and no longer being interested in me because there is someone else

hmm can't say I am the expert on how to have a happy marriage but I see a few different things going on.

Bet you the main problem for him is the lack of sex. Can that be turned around? Are you at all prepared to tackle that side of things?

He wants you to work outside the home (with 2 SN kids and number 3) in addition to doing everything related to the kids/house? Does he resent you being a SAHM? You would be happiest remaining a SAHM, is that it?

If you were to get a part-time job, could you manage it, be happy? Would that satisfy him and could someone be employed to do the worst of the housework and how about an occasional babysitter so you can go out together on Friday/Saturday? You can also think about arranging for grandparents to occasionally come and take the kids out early Sat/Sunday if you've been hittign the town. Are they helpful and live near you?

There's quite a bit in your OP but those are my initial thoughts

ooh crossed posts with loads of people.

um, we used to be happy. i think the turning point for me was when i found out he had slept with someone else when ds2 was a baby. we have been together 11 yrs. i keep thinking maybe this is just how marriages are after a certain amount of time. also i look at my parents marriage and they dont seem to like each other and i always say what a waste of both their lives and yet here i am doing probably exactly the same thing.
he is nothing like he was when we met. he was a bit hippyish, he had been travelling, he had shaggy hair and his belly button pierced. i was an art student. he was cool. he is now another bloke in a suit. he has in fact become his job.

could you try going out together with another couple?

What happened with the lump in your breast? What did the doctor say?

OK if he has also been unfaithful before there is really a lot to work on, isn't there?

Hmm dunno really. Might be wise to look into studying/training for something so that if you felt you had to /wanted to leave him, you'd be more confident of being in a better position to do it.

sssandy- he doesnt want/need me to get a job outside the home. i dont want to either tbh. just worried how i would manage if we were to split up, financially i would be scuppered. also despite the fact i am a SAHM i still want to have a bit of enjoyument and fun- not just 7 days of work work work.

oh he is back. i had better go. will try and check back in later. thank you

When you look at yourself, how have you changed from the person you used to be? If you were an art student then but a bit mumsy now, maybe not the most scintillating conversation, could you change that if he made more of an effort too? (No criticism BTW, I am not exactly the glamour puss I used to be either, in 2nd hand maternity jeans at 9 wks pg).

I agree with Sandy, I bet the sex is a big issue for him.

lol i am the least mumsy person you could imagine! and am an artist now (at least when i have the time)
i cant help thinking that if he were to be around a bit more, actually talked to me rather than at me and was generally a bit bloody nicer than i might feel inclined to have sex with him. if we are in the house at the same time we are usually in seperate rooms. hardly conducive to a night of passion is it? i dont think i am the one that has changed tbh- i think he has.

Ooops sorry Good for you!

Well I certainly agree that if you don't spend any time together then you can't even begin to repair any damage. It is also crapy that he is out all the time and you never get any respite.

Have you said any of this to him, about the sex and being nicer to you etc?

It doesn't sound great tbh. I've been with dh for 10 years and he also has a very full on job, works v late and is often distracted with work when he is at home. We are also a fairly 'arty' family.

However when dh is late or away I know he'd rather be with us because he tells me, we don't have sex in any regular sort of pattern (tired, not here, stressed) but when we do - wow, it's still great. He makes me feel wanted, loved.

So, no I don't think it's just a case of what happens when you've been together a while.

Sounds like you need to sit down and have a heart to heart, be as honest as you have been here.

Your post reads like the classic situation where two people meet, find they have lots in common and a chemistry between them, fall in love, get married..... and then gradually their lives diverge and they end up leading parallel lives alongside eachother. You say you don't think your DH values you: well I'd go further than that: you don't value eachother. You admit that he earns a good income, enabling you to have a big house and pay private school fees, then in the next breath you complain that he has 'become his job'. You expect him to do half and half at home, but you are the one home all day. That's unreasonable. Equally, it sounds like he doesnt value you, but then you don't value yourself - you say you don't have the skills to make it worthwhile doing a job. TBH I think unless you make some fundamental changes, your relationship is on a downward spiral. He has already been unfaithful, your sex life is rubbish and you have nothing interesting to say to eachother. That's not a marriage!! I'm not saying it's unsaveable, but I think it'll need drastic action. If you don't feel you have skills, then get yourself skilled up. Get interests and a life outside the home - not just lunching with your girl mates but something interesting, that will help you to grow as a person. Work doesnt just have to be 5 days a week drudgery.... some of us have interesting jobs!! Earning some money instantly puts you in a more equal position to your partner... you are not just the little wife totally dependent on him, you have a life of your own. It also means that you can justifiably expect him to take a more active role in the home.
Sounds like you've had a rough time, and I hope you can resolve things. I hope this doesnt come across as harsh, because it's not meant to be. I just think many couples can end up in this situation because they start off as equals in the relationship, and then children come along and somehow they end up living very polarised lives. If you want to get back on a more equal footing it means getting out of your comfort zones - both of you. You accepting that being a mum doesnt mean being the sole carer and having all the drudgery at home, but also involves putting yourself out there and having an independent life. Your DH accepting that being a dad doesnt mean working/being out 24/7, but involves getting stuck in at home and being an equal parent.