Hi.. I do believe this is going to be a long read and I do apologise for that. Basically the title of my question.. I am ready to leave now but I am not sure how or if I will survive.
I have been with my husband 17 years, married for 10 with one child, a girl of 10.
My husband has always lied about money. In the time we have been together he has been declared personally bankrupt. He then went on to max out credit cards on ridiculous purchases like take aways, fuel for his vehicle and paying for items to modify his vehicle. It's a 4x4 so it's very thirsty, it's expensive to tax and he likes to go off road so buys new bumpers, roof racks and wheels which are all very expensive. He then after an argument where I said enough was enough, took out a loan to 'rehash' our finances but ultimately didn't get out enough to cover all the loans, credit cards and money he'd borrowed off his own Dad.. and ultimately fritted it away one day whilst I was at work on absolute crap. Our daughter thought it was the best day of her life because he went out on a shopping spree and she was able to get me all sorts of gifts. It was a mess and it led to us then having to have a joint IVA.
I'm not sure how.. we had separate bank accounts at the time, my credit card was paid off every month and the loan I had gotten out a few years previously to pay off his maxed out credit cards and money he owed his Dad was also up to date and paid. But the company he assigned to do the IVA insisted it had to be joint because we were married.. and it decimated my excellent credit rating.
I have always worked but he has always been the main breadwinner. He has never cheated which I know will be the first question of where is his money going, but in all honesty he is just an incredibly immature man who I honestly believe has autism and would benefit from being assessed but he refuses. His probation officer has even mentioned that he displays autistic traits which my husband finds offensive.
I have had huge stress and anxiety throughout our relationship because like I said he tells lies.. to this day, he still lies. About everything. I know this is my fault. I know I have been incredibly stupid for staying so long with him. I know. Please don't.. I am suffering enough because of my complete stupidity. I did genuinely believe he loved me.
So.. my Dad decided to assign my husband as power of attorney of his estate. Something we now know he couldn't do as someone declared bankrupt but somehow he got it. The office of the public guardian passed it through. The solicitor signed off on it. It was all done. And I know the question of him being bankrupt was never raised.
Now everyone knows my husband is terrible at money. Even his own family. And we had a huge argument were my husband told me I needed to give him a chance, that I have to move on and let him prove himself. That I couldn't beat him with the same stick.
My Dad wasn't a great Dad. He beat my mother, lied to her, beat me and my sister and was a horrific gambler. So naturally my Dad didn't want me or my sister to have any part in his finances. He was sexist and believed women shouldn't have a say in money, so I left them both to it. Obviously I would ask how things were going and but I never had too much dealings with my Dad's account.
Fast forward years later, my husband gets a letter from the office of public guardian saying he should never have been given power of attorney because upon reevaluating records, he had been bankrupt so therefore it was being removed. I never thought anything of it until two years later, a detective turns up at my door requesting both me and my husband to go to an interview under caution due to suspicion of fraud.
Basically, money had been taken out of my Dad's account. And my husband admitted everything. I had absolutely no clue. Turns out he'd been taking money out for fuel, take aways and car mods during a time where I was getting a loan to clear his maxed out credit cards and cutting them up. I left him at the police station. Not my finest moment. But I couldn't take it. The Police didn't believe that I had no idea. So it would be up to CPS to decide if I had any dealings with it. My husband's family were furious with me believing I had taken the money and somehow set my husband up.
My world spiralled extremely out of control. My daughter didn't understand what was going on and pressure from my husband and his parents meant that he ended up coming back.
I don't have a support network and I have an extremely traumatised mother who through no fault of her own, is not emotionally available. My sister moved away and my Dad had full blown dementia and was in a care home at this point so it was just me and my daughter. I know, I know I am to blame for all of this. But I felt so alone, I just clung to the only people around me which was my husband and his family.
6 months after all this, and without any idea of what was happening because CPS couldn't decided whether they had enough evidence to charge my husband, I became ill. Extremely ill.
I developed an autoimmune disease, and I essentially became bedbound. My husband had to care for me. Bath me, shower me, feed me.. and because the NHS works so slowly I ended up developing interstitial lung disease and now require oxygen to move around.
CPS decided to not charge me but charged my husband with fraud as way of misappropriation of funds. I was beyond stressed and anxious because by this time he was the only breadwinner. I was essentially sacked from my job because I couldn't work. And now only get PIP. I get the very standard pip which is probably going to be taken away so I have absolutely no income. Before the court date, his family were still being horrible towards me. And I was told by his father 'that everyone will know about it if his son gets sent down for this'
I stopped speaking to them after that because I just couldn't handle anymore stress. My husband went to court and got 18 months suspended sentence and 200 hours of community service.
The entire time I was at my sickest I was asking him to leave. He told me I would lose our home, that I wouldn't be able to feed our daughter. That I would be making her quality of life hard and that the IVA would collapse and I would have bailiffs knocking on my door and he wouldn't be there to help, so I'd have to deal with them alone whilst I was sick. So I listened and let him stay.
Obviously because he was telling me all this, I was terrified of him going to prison not because I didn't think he deserved it but because of all the reasons he gave me whilst I was at my most ill.
I honestly worried myself into the grave all most. It's now 7 months since his court date and I have had enough. He is still lying about money even after everything he has done. I have received no apologies from his family for the way I was treated throughout this entire ordeal. I lost my Dad two months after my husbands sentencing, and I expected more regret and guilt from him for what he'd done to my Dad. And I saw none.
I have now found out that he has a secret instagram account which just follows IG models and he talks to them over DMs. This was created around the time my Dad was put on palliative care, roughly a month before my Dad died and a month after my husband's sentencing. His excuse was I wasn't being attentive to him. And when I explained I was still sick, still in and out of flares because of the extreme stress he was causing me and because my Dad was dying all I got was 'I don't know what you want me to say'
3 weeks ago he bought a tool for his 4x4 and he went halves on it with his Dad, but instead of just telling me that.. he told me his Dad paid for it which isn't true. When I found out the truth through his Dad, and I confronted my husband with it, I was told it was because I have a problem with him and his 4x4 tools.
He hasn't learnt anything. And I know he will never change. He tells me he lies because of the way I react.. but I only react angrily because he lies. This man doesn't love me, nor does he respect me. And I am ready to call it quits, but I really have nowhere to go. All my hospital appointments come to this address. My oxygen gets delivered to this address. This is our daughters home. Our landlord sold our house during covid, which left us homeless, so we ended up in social housing. So I do not want to be homeless again.
Because of me losing my job we've ended up with over £1k in rent arrears which are being paid off religiously every month. So I can't go and ask to be rehoused away from my husband, with my arrears and the housing shortage, they'll laugh me out of the door. I can't get a private let because I have an IVA and will have to claim UC because I have absolutely no income. I know no one who will co sign for me.
I have explained how I feel to my husband but he just refuses to leave. If you were to see us, you wouldn't believe any of this. Everyone likes my husband. He is a good guy, just not a good husband. Our daughter is so happy and with her having adhd, it's always commented on how natural and happy she is because most adhd children mask. She loves her Dad like any child does. I adored my dad growing up, he just wasn't a great Dad or husband.
I have tried talking to my mum who finds this whole situation very triggering for her, and her only offer of help is to hold money for me.. if I start moving money my husband will notice. He is not a violent man and I'm not frightened of him, but my brain is constantly acting like I am going to be mauled by a bear. I can't live like this anymore. I have 3 more years left on this IVA, that is if my interstitial lung disease doesn't kill me first..
My mental health is on the floor. I'm desperately trying to be 'normal' for our daughter until I can work something out.. I just don't know what I'm working out. I know I am incredibly naive and stupid. I have been with my husband since I was 19, he is 12 years older then me. I really, really believed he loved me and was just misguided.
I just need a way out now. Thank you if you read this far.. I would honestly appreciate any help or guidance anyone can offer.