Early red flags in a relationship

[EAsterChicky]

What early red flags did you notice in your current or previous relationships?

Here are a few of mine (now that I have a better understanding of red flags 🚩) It wasn’t a term when I first met my (stbex husband)

Made me delete years old photos of ex’s in my Facebook albums after we had been together one month.

Made me rip up and destroy photos of ex’s in old photo albums (uni boyfriends that ended amiably) very early on in our relationship.

Made me go around my flat with a friend destroying any letters/gifts or anything left over from old boyfriends as I was so anxious he would find something and start a fight and accuse me still having feelings for them.

Repeatedly asked me over and over that he was the only one I had ever loved. He wasn’t but I felt pressured to say that he was the only man I had ever loved.

Flew off the handle and caused a fight that lasted many hours after I said that I fancied a celebrity on a tv show that we were watching.

Wanted to try for a baby very very early on in our relationship. Said he would go mad if I went on the pill.

Many many more-too many to list! I was so naive with no awareness of early warning signs ‼️

What were the first warning signs and red flags in your relationships? 🚩

Lots of flags there op. Hope things are better now for you.

Thank you. Still married but hoping to leave soon. I definitely doubt if some are red flags like the making me delete all old ex photos from Facebook but we had only been together for a few weeks.

he shouldn’t be ‘making’ you anything. I hope you get free soon.

1. Told me who he was "I'm a very selfish person"
2. Backhanded compliments "I usually don't find girls with your figure attractive, but for some reason I do like you"
3. Wanted an open relationship and dated many other girls during our relationship, but would get furious if I even talked to another man, because he "fell for me because I was a good girl, and now I've ruined myself and he can never see me the same way again"
4. Didn't want to see me/spend time with me unless I could tell him why I was worthy of his time and energy

God, it's been over for a decade but I still get the shivers reading that back. What an insecure little girl I was. Spent 6 years of my life with this idiot!

I'm still haunted almost 40 years later

I only stay with you because I feel sorry for you

No one else will ever love you

You're too fat to be loved (for reference I was 9st and I'm 5'9")

I worked day and night, while he worked part-time (as it was my duty to provide for him)

I went without food so he could have his cannabis (because it was the only way he could stand being with me)

Violence (because I should've known not to speak back to him AKA stand up for myself)

When the younger me eventually plucked up the courage to leave after 2 years of abuse he apparently loved me and could never love anyone else the way he loved me and his broken heart would never mend

If only the term red flag and mumsnet existed back then I wouldn't be the insecure person I am now always thinking I'm not good enough, I'm too fat, my DH couldn't possibly love me etc etc etc

Not me, but SIL

Any slight disagreement in the early days would have him disappearing completely, ghosting her, for days becase "I was just too upset and I don't know how to talk" [which then also usually led to a whole long chat and trauama about HIS problems and issues and her supporting him so the underlying issue never got dealt with. this became a theme, in different formats , of the rest of their relationship].

Guilt tripped her if she wanted to do things without him.

Inserted himself inappropriately into events/activities in the early days, and made her feel guilty if she tried to say no. This one now makes huge alarm bells go off for me when other people mention it -it's the most insidious as it's often completely unnoticed.

Any hint of anger / aggression / moodiness.

Instant red flag.

All his relationships ending were the other woman’s fault ie most had cheated on him and he was the victim

a series of relationships all ending at the 2 year mark

not introducing me to any family or friend after almost 2 years because the opportunity just hadn’t arisen

telling me I didn’t understand when I am brought up the fact that it wasn’t respectful to go off on holiday four times a year and go radio silent

watching misogynistic videos about women and single mothers, being a fan of Kevin samuels

very strict gender roles and constantly trying to enforce them

trying to change the way I dress because my shape attracts male attention so I should only wear loose clothes

wanting me to and my 25 year relationship with my best friend because he is male and men and women cannot be friends

wanting me to end my relationship with my female best friend because he didn’t agree with her lifestyle and me being friends with her was questionable

the list is endless!!! How was I so blinded?!

Op I could of written your lost. Leave asap. Ducks in a row and leave.

Love bombing. Future planning. I didn't even know what those things were 20 years ago. He had me up the duff & married very quickly, to "trap" me. By the time I realised he was all smoke & mirrors, all talk & no action, it was too late.

A few more of mine -

He had a psycho ex, he said how unhinged she was, she was crazy and had tricked him into getting pregnant

I opened up to him about my social anxiety and he would use it as a weapon in arguments saying no wonder no one likes you, no wonder you have no friends and make out that people were talking badly about me behind my back.

Early on he disliked my spending time with friends and would cause fights before I was due to meet them/say that I was putting my friends before him. He never outright said I couldn’t go but I’d be upset from the argument and would end up cancelling plans.

He disliked my friends and family and would make fun of them.

Love bombing/telling me everything I wanted to hear/talks of being my soulmate and no one would love me as much as him.

Arguments that would go on long into the night where he wouldn’t let me sleep and I would beg him to leave me alone and let me go to sleep. I was pregnant and engaged by that point and felt like there was no way out.

He never met his other child by “psycho” ex as he couldn’t bring himself to get involved or have anything to do with her and would get aggressive if i brought it up as to why he wouldn’t meet his child.

So so many more!

Saying their ex was a psycho, or all their exes. When asked what could he have done differently, he said nothing, she was a psycho.

This has been the no.1 red flag for me in OLD.

The biggest red flag for me really is when you feel like you can’t be yourself so you don’t upset him.
Abusive and toxic relationships take many forms but I think if you can’t be yourself with your partner then it’s a major sign. It’s the one I tell my younger female relatives who are starting to date.

Honestly wish I knew to value myself when I first met my ex it would have saved me so much pain.

Nobody will ever understand you like I do/you'll never find anybody else.
Love bombing.
Alienated my parents.
Proposing inside of 2 weeks. (I said no.)
Moving in inside of 3 months as he was starting work nearby and hadn't got the money to rent, so it 'made sense' to move in with me.
Having to do everything together.
Competitiveness about his kids - needed constant reassurance that they liked him more than they liked their Mum.
I'm a poor broken soul.
Scared all of my friends away (big, obnoxious man who dominates any gathering).
The trouble with you, x, is that you are a very nervous person and will always need help.

This makes it sound kind we have the same ex. Like exactly

So many bombarding messages and pressure for commitment talking about moving in after few chats. Calling lioness and stressing both are same minded people. Offering to help children very early on
Sharing very intimate details with his ex. All believe too good to be true.