Should I stop dating this guy?

Hardlyworking · 24/04/2025 10:58

I don't think we can answer your question.

As a single parent, and a friend of other single parents, I can tell you that co-parenting is probably the most stressful emotional thing you can do, even with a reasonable ex.

Throw an awkward or malicious ex into the mix and it can be an emotional nightmare.

I've been single parenting for years now with an established routine, but I still often have a down day when the kids head off to their other parent for a few days.

Original poster

Webred · 24/04/2025 11:04

Hardlyworking · 24/04/2025 10:58

I don't think we can answer your question.

As a single parent, and a friend of other single parents, I can tell you that co-parenting is probably the most stressful emotional thing you can do, even with a reasonable ex.

Throw an awkward or malicious ex into the mix and it can be an emotional nightmare.

I've been single parenting for years now with an established routine, but I still often have a down day when the kids head off to their other parent for a few days.

I do understand that as I have an awkward and sometimes malicious ex.

i think I try my best to not let it affect me emotionally now though, as I found it so draining and I know I can’t change the way my ex is.

Maybe that’s what I’m expecting other people to do, but I know it’s not that easy.

OP posts:

MattCauthon · 24/04/2025 11:10

However I feel that he becomes negatively affected emotionally, I can see it brings him down, when he’s contacted by his coparenting and he also seems stressed around it.

What does this look like? Because frankly, my view would be that someone this moody while you're still in the early stages of dating is a red flag, for whatever reason. If he has so little emotional control that he's ALREADY behaving this way around you, a relative stranger, how bad will it be later?

I know, when you're dating, showing vulnerability is part of it. Sure. But it sounds like it's not showing vulnerability, but rather already causing YOU anxiety and like you have to adapt to this?

In early dating, a man saying, "really sorry- I have to cancel as I need to swap dates with my ex and have the kids this weekend, what's your schedule next week" is completely different to a man who is accepting calls/texts from his ex while you're at dinner, and who is then in a mood/ranting etc for the rest of the evening.

category12 · 24/04/2025 11:13

How long has the relationship been over?

I think you should pay attention to your concerns. Generally it's a mistake to talk yourself out of them.

Original poster

Webred · 24/04/2025 11:16

MattCauthon · 24/04/2025 11:10

However I feel that he becomes negatively affected emotionally, I can see it brings him down, when he’s contacted by his coparenting and he also seems stressed around it.

What does this look like? Because frankly, my view would be that someone this moody while you're still in the early stages of dating is a red flag, for whatever reason. If he has so little emotional control that he's ALREADY behaving this way around you, a relative stranger, how bad will it be later?

I know, when you're dating, showing vulnerability is part of it. Sure. But it sounds like it's not showing vulnerability, but rather already causing YOU anxiety and like you have to adapt to this?

In early dating, a man saying, "really sorry- I have to cancel as I need to swap dates with my ex and have the kids this weekend, what's your schedule next week" is completely different to a man who is accepting calls/texts from his ex while you're at dinner, and who is then in a mood/ranting etc for the rest of the evening.

He just seems deflated/sad, so I’ve seen that it affects his mood. I think that is what is making me uneasy because it’s making me wonder if he’s even ready to date if he is still being affected like this.

Yes I didn’t think of it as a red flag to be honest, it’s has put some doubts in my mind. I feel that he should be able to handle messages and not let them affect him that much emotionally, as they have been separated for a long time.

But then I wasn’t sure if I was being unreasonable in thinking that.

OP posts:

MattCauthon · 24/04/2025 11:35

Well, to answer your question, no, you're not being unreasonable. Or rather, you're not being unreasoable to want to be in a relationship with someone who feels this way.

And to me it just sounds like he's already an emotional vampire. You're having to deal with moods etc. Either his ex is a nightmare an things really are bad - in which case he shouldn't be trying for a new relationship at this point - or he's a drama llama and will drag you down.

waterrat · 24/04/2025 11:42

If he is letting it show so early on in dates - he is either really not ready or he is emotionally not mature enough to understand you shouldn't be dealing with this at an early dating stage.

This is meant to be the fun stage! the chemistry, the spark, the excitement.

I think if he liked you in the right way, he would be feeling that buzz on a date and not wallowing in sadness.

Original poster

Webred · 24/04/2025 11:48

category12 · 24/04/2025 11:13

How long has the relationship been over?

I think you should pay attention to your concerns. Generally it's a mistake to talk yourself out of them.

It’s very new, just weeks.

You’re probably right that I should listen to my gut.

OP posts:

Original poster

Webred · 24/04/2025 11:50

MattCauthon · 24/04/2025 11:35

Well, to answer your question, no, you're not being unreasonable. Or rather, you're not being unreasoable to want to be in a relationship with someone who feels this way.

And to me it just sounds like he's already an emotional vampire. You're having to deal with moods etc. Either his ex is a nightmare an things really are bad - in which case he shouldn't be trying for a new relationship at this point - or he's a drama llama and will drag you down.

You’ve explained exactly how I’m feeling to be honest.

If he’s like this now and also after they’ve been separated for so long, I can’t imagine it is going to improve.

OP posts:

Original poster

Webred · 24/04/2025 11:53

waterrat · 24/04/2025 11:42

If he is letting it show so early on in dates - he is either really not ready or he is emotionally not mature enough to understand you shouldn't be dealing with this at an early dating stage.

This is meant to be the fun stage! the chemistry, the spark, the excitement.

I think if he liked you in the right way, he would be feeling that buzz on a date and not wallowing in sadness.

To be honest there isn’t a lot of chemistry, it has been a very slow burn type of dating. So plenty of dates but not much has happened.

Although I have enjoyed the slower pace as it is different to what I’m used to and I do like him. I would be sad to end it.

OP posts:

Springtimehere · 24/04/2025 12:20

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Bumblebeestiltskin · 24/04/2025 12:28

Webred · 24/04/2025 11:53

To be honest there isn’t a lot of chemistry, it has been a very slow burn type of dating. So plenty of dates but not much has happened.

Although I have enjoyed the slower pace as it is different to what I’m used to and I do like him. I would be sad to end it.

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Moody and not much chemistry?? In the bin for this one.

Mom2K · 24/04/2025 12:52

To be fair, he could have an extremely difficult ex that is weaponizing the kids and messing with access/parental alienation etc. You don't actually know. And having to consistently deal with something like that is going to affect a person.

I was very stressed for 4 years following my divorce until my exH finally moved away because there was constant harassment, him putting the kids in dangerous situations, refusal to stick to our schedule, visits with lawyers over what I could do about the situation etc.

This did not mean that I still had any feelings for him or that I wasn't over our relationship - it was the complete opposite. It also did not mean that I wasn't ready to date - it was just an unfortunate fact of my life at the time that I had to deal with, and yes - it did make me sad and stressed off and on for 4 years because being legally forced to communicate with and deal with such a toxic person takes it's toll.

You're very lucky IMO if you can't relate to that because your ex is only awkward and occasionally malicious rather than constant.

But, if you are finding his low moods are negatively impacting your time together and there's no chemistry anyway, I wouldn't waste my time on it and move on. I just wouldn't assume it's because he is not over his ex, although of course that is a possibility.

Bittenonce · 24/04/2025 15:02

Webred · 24/04/2025 11:48

It’s very new, just weeks.

You’re probably right that I should listen to my gut.

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Too soon! Way way too soon - right now you’re an emotional support blanket for someone carrying a whole heap of hurt, it’s not a relationship, he’s not ready.

outerspacepotato · 24/04/2025 15:29

Another question to ask yourself is if his ex is hard to deal with, do you want to bring that drama and conflict in your life?

HeatedBlanketAllYear · 24/04/2025 18:03

I feel for you OP. My ex was like this from meeting him even though the mum of his DC had left him years ago.
He would read texts when we were together and get moody and either angry or miserable, spoiling our time together. I should have seen this as a red flag.
He never got any better and his behaviour got a lot worse with me. Towards the end he ghosted me for days because of an argument with his ex.
I don’t think he’d ever got over her, especially her leaving and taking the DC, and he never will.
I’d run for the hills. He’ll only get worse.

Purplesy · 25/04/2025 10:14

OP, do you need extra negative drama in your life bringing you down?

If so, keep chatting.
If not, move on.