Mums and sons/grandsons..

[Whitelotus5]

Maybe I’m biased, I have a sister and two brothers and my mum has made it pretty apparent throughout our lives that it’s her and her boys. My sister and I have a very strained relationship with her, though we do make a big effort (and the boys make zero).

MIL is pretty similar with hers - DH less so, but his younger brother who is now 24 is babied beyond comprehension.

DH and I have a daughter, but it’s quite obvious that she pales in comparison to the grandsons on DH’s side (she is the only girl). With lots of comments such as ‘girls are such hard work / boys are more loving’ etc which I don’t think is true.

My mum has 4 granddaughters and no grandsons, and my goodness don’t we know it with the barrage of ‘why won’t one of you give me a grandson’ as if we had a choice in the matter. We made the mistake of inviting my mum along to our sexing scan as she was going through a difficult period and I thought it would cheer her up. When they said it was a girl the first words out of her mouth were ‘well, there’s always next time’. I was so embarrassed..

I guess my question is, is this common? It’s all I’ve ever known, and I see it with DH’s family too but I don’t want DD thinking she isn’t as good as anyone else, I want her to think she has absolute equal value to her cousins, male or female. She’s only 3, but I feel pretty exhausted by it all. I do quash these comments every single time btw. Now she’s getting older and more perceptive I won’t have that kind of stuff spouted around her.

I don't know if it's common but it's been my experience too. I don't understand it at all.

My brother was the obvious favourite for my mum even though he makes zero effort as you say. My MIL openly favours her sons and even told me once "my sons can do no wrong". My grandmother said she wanted six sons and no daughters (she had two of each, my mum first, and my mum felt she wasn't wanted as she was a girl). It's bizarre. I have a boy and a girl but my experience of women my age is that they often want a daughter. So is this an older generation thing??

My experience has been the opposite we have boys and have had so many comments from family about isn't a shame you don't have a girl actually no I didn't really care but obviously they did 🙄

Ime.. Dd's become independent very young. Way before ds's. Ime it can continue into adulthood.. For example my dd will send pics of beautifully created meals... Ds's still ring me how to make pasta.... They tend to rely on 'help' way longer. And as a dm I am happy to provide it. Oldest ds actually walked away from us as a family to prove he didn't need us. Quite bizarre..

My brother has told his son that he's the most important grandchild as he's the only one to carry on our family name. When I told my mum how upsetting I found that she said "well, he's got a point hasn't he?"
No he fucking hasn't.

OTOH my ex MIL moaned every time she got another grandson. She had 5 before one of her daughters had a girl.

Some people are just weird.

Certainly not common in my experience. MIL has only boys and is only sort of mildly interested in them in a stoic stiff upper lip sort of way. I’m an only child and my mum is disinterested enough in me that we are now NC, haven’t seen her in 5 years, don’t plan to see her again, but it’s not because I’m a girl.

Within dh’s wider family (he has a lot of aunts/uncles/cousins), parents seem to be either warm and lovingly involved with their children and grandchildren, or cold and disengaged with very surface relationships. Nothing to do with sons or daughters, but probably a lot to do with how well they’ve addressed their issues and not allowed all their own screwed up family stuff to come rumbling on to the next generation.

Are there cultural reasons for this? I think any culture or family that fetishises one gender of child over another is a bit thick and backward. It says that genitalia is more important than character personality or kindness.

My SIL is pregnant with the first grandchild, the baby is a girl, my brother and her very much wanted a girl and were over the moon. Yet mum has told them and everyone else in the family numerous times that “girls are hard work”, “they’re gonna have their work cut out for them!” and “just you wait!”.

It’s bizarre imo to judge a child that’s not even born yet and assume she’s going to be difficult to raise just because she’s a girl. I did always feel she had a preference for my brother and babied him, but she vehemently denies it, I think given these comments it’s confirmed it now for me.

It's weird isn't it, I've also noticed the opposite, lots of people saying "boys are so badly behaved" and saying how glad they are they've got daughters.

I’m taking lots of solace from these comments, I spent a long long time feeling as though I wasn’t ever quite good enough despite my best efforts, but at least I know we will never make DD feel that way - and I will continue my plight to stamp the gender bias out of DM and MIL 😂

Honestly, you and your sister should stop making a huge effort with a mum that doesn't appreciate it in any way and who still favours the sons who make no effort at all.

No doubt you and your sister will be lined up to provide help and support as your mum ages, with no expectation of help from your brothers. You should absolutely say no to this.

It's such a shame that you have this dynamic on both sides of the family. Your daughter is lucky to have a mum who will challenge this unfair treatment on her behalf.