I think my DSis shouts at her DC too much… would you tell her?

[JonHammsHam]

I have no DC so I don’t feel I have any right to but I just feel sorry for her kids. It’s more the older DC (6), the other is still only 1. It doesn’t take a lot for her to really bellow at them and they run away upset or crying. I know sometimes you’re just at the end of your rope and sleep-deprived but I’ve seen it happen quite a lot now. I know our DM doesn’t like it as that’s not how she brought us up but doesn’t want to say anything. I can’t say anything can I?

Why can’t you say anything?

I have the kind of relationship with my sister where I definitely could pull her up on it. I guess it depends on what your relationship is like, and how you think she would react. But I would - from a place of love & care!

I think it might be better to offer help. If she is keeping going day and night looking after them then she may be hanging on by a thread. You go home at night and sleep, but it's very likely that she just keeps going through the night, especially with the tiny one.

If you "pull her up on it" there's a decent chance that she will shout at you too, but if you say "I've noticed that you seem really tired and exasperated, is there anything at all that I could do to help, and get you a break?" then she might well jump at the chance.

Is your Dsis struggling? Does she have a partner and is he a hands-on dad? She might be depressed or absolutely sleep-deprived. Nonetheless, she shouldn't be shouting at a child enough to make them cry and run away.

I'm also wondering what your own childhoods were like.

Instead of being so critical behind her back why can't you offer her some help?

My sister was a screamer. I used to run into her neighbors and they would all mention that they heard her yelling constantly at her kids. It was embarrassing for me, even.

I just feel like I have no leg to stand on really as I don’t have kids and don’t know what it’s really like. She does have a partner, he has a good relationship with the dc but doesn’t pull his weight round the house. That’s another reason I don’t want to seem like I’m having a go, as I know she wouldn’t be as stressed if he was doing more.

I should have said I do help. I recently looked after DC1 so she could do inset days at work. I stayed at hers all Easter weekend because her partner was away working so I helped with cooking, washing, taking kids to the park, bathtime, bedtime etc.

Yes you should. She’s scaring her children and it’s not necessary - there are other ways to parent. Just because you’re not a parent doesn’t mean that you don’t know how people should treat each other, including children. Tell her to take a breath before reacting.

Could you just show her another way when you spend time at their house with the children. Let her see you don’t need to yell, and children respond far better to calm, concise communication. Show her how the home can be calmer and happier.

Those poor little children

Having kids yourself has nothing to do with it. Step in. It’s obviously bothering you AND them.

Offer her some help- look after the younger one- that’ll give her more of a break than looking after the older one.

Tell her she's scaring the children and needs to stop yelling. Tell him he needs to step up and help because she's really stressed and scaring the children. Living like this becomes the norm in some families. Don't worry about upsetting them, the children are the priority.

I would being it up in a supportive way.
" Hi sis I've noticed how much you are shouting at X. Is everything ok? Do you need some help ? Parenting is super stressful"

Just ask if you can help? Maybe take them to playground.

Thanks for all the comments. I’ve recently had the older one for a week split with our parents in the summer holidays. I would help more but I don’t live very close by. I will try and raise the shouting issue if there’s a good moment.

This won't end well if you speak out.