Some advice please - Daughter broken up with boyfriend

[DominoDaancing]

Sorry this is long but I'm just after some advice if possible as I'm feeling quite worried about DD and want to support her.

DD is 23 and she was in a relationship for about a year with someone who is 25. He has a very busy job, shifts, nights, long hours etc, and she has one more year of a very busy degree with placements.

The relationship started casually after she actually broke up with a previous boyfriend of 3 years. However what maybe should have been casual, turned into a longer relationship, including him moving to a new city an hour away. I think perhaps they should have called time on it then, but he wanted to keep seeing her and she did too.

They've been exclusive but never had that discussion about the future really.

DD increasingly felt she was putting in all of the effort and didn't feel like she was a priority. She plans ahead and he doesn't, so she would drive away wondering when they could next be together. She was getting to the point that it was causing a lot of anxiety and distress really, however when they were together, she really enjoyed it.

She was away for a few weeks, and on her return was quite upset by his lack of excitement to see her and they had a good chat about it and she was reassured and decided to give it another few weeks. I think it came as a shock to him regarding how much she had been getting upset about everything.

He's now said that after their chat, he's realised how upset she's getting and how he could have done things differently, but ultimately he really doesn't want to be in a serious relationship at the moment, as he doesn't have the time (this is true - plus he does like seeing a lot of his friends which is fine) and although he would still like to carry on being with her, he can't really commit to more.

DD feels that this isn't enough and is too upsetting for her so they have decided, amicably, to call it a day.

However she is upset, as she's going to miss him a lot. She knows it's for the best but feels like she wishes he had liked her enough to make more effort.

I'm trying to support, chat her through it - but I'm 5 hours away and it's tough. Any tips for me (I'm quite emotional - perimenopause etc etc - but hiding my emotions from her obviously, but I feel sad as it's almost like a rejection) and also maybe tips for her for her that I can pass on?

Thank you.

I think the lad has been very brilliant to be honest, and you should focus on that. She had a healthy relationship with a good guy, and it ended for healthy reasons.
please don’t be emotional about this, this isn’t your daughters marriage breaking up.
wjat would you say to a friend? Tell her to enjoy her hobbies etc? Do that.

Yes I do agree, they have both been very mature, although during the relationship there have been times he's been quite unreliable, which also meant DD never quite looked forward to their plans, in case they didn't happen - another sign that they were not quite right for each other I think.

I do tend to be very sentimental which is why I think I feel emotional - even though to be honest, I've felt like she should have moved on a while ago.

I'm telling her to enjoy her hobbies and make plans with friends, which she is doing. I will try and keep this in perspective!

I think personally there is probably a lot of hurt from the previous relationship. She’s buried it when meeting this guy, and now the whole lot is resurfacing.
We often try to fix a previous relationship by entering a new one, and then when that doesn’t work, we panic.
Your lovely daughter is 23. So if she met this guy at 22, she was in her late teens when the other relationship started. That’s so young.
She may feel a sense of panic because she only knows how to be in a relationship.
But at 23, she should really be enjoying herself, her time, her life and her friends. When her degree is finished, she can concentrate on her career and still have a good time.
Shes given this guy every chance. He’s not a bad guy, at least he’s been honest, but because of his lifestyle he doesn’t want a serious relationship. At least he’s told her that.
Your DD needs some space, to also build her confidence as a young woman. Sitting around waiting for this guy to turn up is a bar that needs to be raised.
Of course, it’s not a lovely experience. Once, when I was heartbroken, my mum stayed up all night with me and told me about a boy who’d broke her heart.
I never realised my mum had been in love before my dad, and her sharing that story stayed with me. And I’m mid 50’s now.
Encourage her not to wallow too much. She needs time and space to get over both of these relationships.
Your 20’s should be a time to have fun, study, work, travel and find out what makes you tick.

Thank you @PeggyMitchellsCameo I appreciate the insight and advice and you're right of course.
Yes, she' basically been in a relationship since she was 17 and she's actually, so she says, quite looking forward to just being her own person. She chose to end the previous relationship, but she still struggles a lot with the guilt of that and perhaps she does need to get over that in a way too. Her first boyfriend was lovely and treated her perfectly, but it was long distance and she didn't want that ultimately.

Luckily she has plans to visit friends this weekend anyway, and then will come home for the weekend which will be nice.

We sometimes watch a movie on facetime so I will see if she would like to do that too.

She's let all of her friends know, and they have all been reaching out, so I'm sure she won't be short of things to do.

She has said that she has learnt a lot from this relationship and I think the bar will be raised higher from now on in terms of how she is treated. I'm glad she realises that.

I don't think I had realised fully just how unwanted she sometimes felt, and how sad that made her. I think she liked the person he could be sometimes and that kept her hanging on. Plus when they met, he was a student too and had so much more time to spend with her and send her messages etc.

She's said it was a nice break up though and felt amicable. She was surprised how upset he got as she didn't think he cared that much. In some ways I think that has made it harder as she could have been angry if he just didn't care!

I just hope this doesn't knock her confidence, but she made it to her placement today and seems to be upset but coping.

You're right though, she should be enjoying this final year of student life, learning more about herself and being a bit more carefree.

Thanks again.

Break ups are never easy regardless of anyone’s age

But it seems they both did the right thing however upsetting for both.

Im nearly 40 and going through my second break up in 3 years…one a marriage and it never gets any easier.

My mum is still there for me nearing her 70s, and all I ask of her is an ear to vent to or just some comforting words….it makes the world of difference. I know you want to take all the pain away for your daughter but unfortunately mums just have to let us go through this.

Ive got a little girl and I dread the day I have to do this for her.

You are doing amazing! Best wishes to you and your daughter.

Why are you so over invested in your daughter’s personal life? It’s quite odd.

I knew someone would say something like this. I don't think I'm over invested and neither does she. I just care and I'm quite far away and she's upset, that's all.

I don't mind if you find it odd though, everyone has different relationships with their children, which is fine.

Just tell her to keep herself busy with her friends. She will be fine.

@Userfriendly20 thank you so much. I hope you start feeling better soon. That's lovely that your Mum is still there for you. I hope your DD is a long way off any heart ache! I guess it's an almost inevitable part of life but not a nice one.

You're absolutely right, I just want to make it all ok - but it's a process she needs to go through. I'm glad it's not around exam time or anything like that. To be honest the timings is quite good.

Thank you for your kind words.

Time is what she needs. She’s busy herself and seems like both were sensible in recognising the time has come to end it. Do not weigh in with your own feelings about it - if she wants to talk then listen but otherwise let her deal with it herself.

I think I would arrange to go and stay near her in a fortnight or so op, or meet her half way for lunch, so that she has that to look forward to, or invite her to come home for a long weekend?

Or if you can’t do that, send her a nice “care package” containing a homemade cake or some favourite biscuits, some nice shower gel etc just to show that you care.

Otherwise I wouldn’t do anything much but listen.

It’s hard that your dd is going through this, and she is your dd, so her pain is your pain, but I’d try and step back and be a bit more objective so that you can be strong for her.

Make sure you get out in the fresh air and get some good walks in, some early nights and some healthy food if you are feeling the effects of impending menopause. You can then mention to your dd that you are doing this and set her a good example of how you look after yourself emotionally.

On the bright side she has learnt a lot from this relationship and she held her line of what is acceptable in a relationship which took courage. She should be proud of herself for that. I know plenty of women who “settled” for breadcrumbs and that dynamic carried on right through to marriage and beyond which is not a happy scenario. Maybe send her a card saying that you are proud of her?

The lad concerned realised he wasn’t ready for anything more serious. The break up was amicable and sensible by the sound of it. It could have been a lot worse. She is now free to focus on her studies so I would be sympathising and redirecting her towards that end.

Also op, ultimately, if they weren’t right for each other, it’s a good thing that they split up.
So it might be helpful to remind yourself of that. And the fact that it’s not our job to make our young adults’ lives easier, because it is discomfort that helps them grow 🌷

I think you need to get a life and not be so involved with a daughter who is actually an adult herself.

She'll work it out.

Adult children need to find their own way. It has always been thus.

And yes, I'm a solo mum, dad never in the picture and I had basically left home at 16.

He is still welcome here though if between moving house.

I just wanted to say you sound like an amazing and caring mother. Your daughter must really value your relationship with her if she is so open with you.

Love comes in so many forms. I personally think too much emphasis is put on romantic love. Your daughter is clearly loved by you and her friends. This will make her break up easier to navigate.

@Thecatthatgotthesouredmilk thank you so much for your kind words.
I agree, she is loved by her family and friends and I’m glad that it’s me she reaches out to for support sometimes.
We have a good relationship - I miss her a lot now she’s at Uni, but am so proud of her.

It’s been helpful to offload a bit on here, as rightly or wrongly I did feel quite sad.

Appreciate your kindness.

@Withoutapathtofollow thank you - that makes a lot of sense and I agree with all you have written.

I know it’s for the best and will keep that in mind.

She’s off to visit friends this weekend but is now going to come home for the bank holiday weekend which will be lovely.

Interesting thought about discomfort helping them grow. I do think she’s learn a lot and you are right - even if it’s hard to hear her upset.

Thanks again.

Oh totally agree DominoDaancing don’t get me wrong, it’s awful because when they are upset, we feel it almost on a visceral level, but that’s a mother’s lot I guess! 😁

Aww. I’m so glad she called it. Like all break-ups she needs to go slow, one day at a time and occupy herself. Has she got good friends and can you plan a trip away? Stuff to look forward to

@Hollyhedge thankfully she is on placements with Uni which keep her busy during the day and she’s surrounded by good friends.
She already had plans to visit friends this weekend and she has another weekend away at the end of May so luckily she does have quite a lot of fun stuff coming up - plus a weekend at home.
You’re right - one day at a time x