Dating advice please 🙏🏼

[shybee223]

Hi all, as said by title I am very new to dating
came out of a long term relationship over 2 years now. Been speaking to this guy over phone message etc for about 2 months met him once for lunch he wants to meet again but I’m a little nervous if he suggests to take it further if I did feel comfortable would it be too early ? as from the first date it could of easily happened 🤦🏻‍♀️ I have 2 kids am very busy as I work also I’m worried if I don’t give in he will walk away I am really enjoying getting to know him he hasn’t pressured me at all been very easy about things. I also have no idea as to what’s on and what’s not.. there is times I would message and he will completely ignore my messages but be online 🙃ex partner cheated throughout our relationship i don’t want to bring my trust issues into something new but cannot help think I’m just another girl to tik off this guys list as he is very good looking 🤦🏻‍♀️we do speak every day message etc not sure 🤔 f it’s me just overthinking it and do I Evan have the right to if we are not Evan in a relationship ? Help 😂

How long ago did you meet him for lunch? If you would like a relationship with him of course you need to see him in person, and of course at some point that will lead to further intimacy. (Unless you have clearly said this is not on the cards) But how physical you get on date 2 is totally up to you, and you can change your mind at any point.
If he’s going to ‘walk away’ because you don’t feel comfortable yet, then he’s not worth it (and not the man you want anyway)

OP. Please do not go on a date with anyone if you think you need to give a man sex in order for him not to walk away. There are NO dating rules. If you enjoy this mans company, and he is enjoying yours then let things progress naturally.

If you do sleep with him, and he walks away, please know that that is not on you, or an indicator of your worth. That would then just be a man after a shag that will say whatever to you in order to get to that stage, then discard you.

So get confident, and choose who you want to sleep with, not because dating etiquette written by someone what one should be doing and when.

Take YOUR time and know your worth even if he walks away.

About a week ago now went back to his for a drink.. he was making it very clear he was attracted to me and definitely would of got further if I allowed it, just feel like when I see him again he’s going to try it and I don’t want to come across as easy I don’t know if I’m ready I definitely wasn’t then, if I do and he disappears after that I’m going to feel so crap 🤦🏻‍♀️just hard to get the time to see him atm 2months and I’ve only seen him once. I’ve only been in one relationship for a long time before so completely out of the dating game first guy I’ve gone on a date with too 🙈

Maybe I just need to explore dating more meet new people.. but I feel like it would get to much for me talking to multiple at the same time just enjoying talking to him but because I haven’t got that much time I feel almost like I have too 🤦🏻‍♀️ he’s told me he’s not forcing anything but just can’t seem to get his hands off me on the first date let alone the second 🙃

Don’t sleep with him because you think he will disappear if you don’t. Sleep with him when you are ready and it feels right. If he is actually interested in you he won’t disappear because of not getting sex.

Also during the 2 months he’s wanted to see me but just hasn’t been possible. He did say that usually if someone was too busy and didn’t really have the time he’d probably leave things but hasn’t felt that with me and is ok with my timing ? In my head I’m thinking that’s because he just wants one thing 🤦🏻‍♀️it’s so hard to know what to do right now is having sex on second date abut early ? All advice really appreciated thank you x

I say this with kindness, as someone who is in a very similar situation to you (2 kids and a job that both take a lot of my time!)

But if you haven’t had the time to be able to meet more than once in 2 months … how is this going to look if you were in a relationship with him? Speaking from experience here… but this may mean you end up speeding things up with this guy (i.e having him in your home / introducing him to your children) because you’re going to struggle to see him if you don’t have much in the way of childcare.

If he sounded like a genuine guy who was making effort, it might be worth playing the long game here and seeing how it goes over a long period of time. But it sounds to me like he’s keeping his options open (ignoring your messages when he’s online) and to be honest, taking you back to his home on date 1.

See him again, if you want to, but do not sleep with him or you run the risk of being ghosted… if he’s genuine and it’s meant to be, he’ll wait.

Part of me wants too but I’m scared I’m going to get hurt he’s been really nice about everything but I get this feeling he’s probably saying the same to multiple woman 🤦🏻‍♀️

I don’t think it’s about whether it’s first, second or third or whatever date when you have sex. It’s about you both wanting it and both being ok with it. Sleep with him when it feels natural to you. Don’t force things because of him.

Yh I agree bringing me back on the first date was abit crazy but saying that he got a call from electrician to say they was 10 minutes away so he had to be back and rather then tell me to go he asked for me to come for a drink. Electrician was there so he didn’t make it up but got me thinking was this all set up lol

It's too soon when you're this conflicted and unsure about him, and are thinking it's a way to keep him around (it's not).

It should be something you're excited to do because you want to, and wouldn't regret it even if the relationship doesn't go somewhere. Which doesn't sound like the place you're at.

You might want to think about personal safety when dating.
Going home with someone you don't know might not be the best idea.
Stay safe.

I agree with this, OP.
Anything could have happened.

Yh it’s true I did think about this but where we’ve spoken quite a lot FaceTime etc I feel like he definitely doesn’t come across like he would take advantage, also I never intended to go back was just the way it happened due to him having to rush back I did feel about uncomfortable at first but I sent my location to my friend just in case 🙈

I know we don’t always know just my gut feeling I guess

From what you're saying, it sounds too soon for you.

Personally I wasn't up for kissing or having sex with someone who was doing that with other people.

Maybe I should just say look I’m not looking to sleep around if that’s what you want and your seeing other people we should leave it here ? But obviously he’s going to say he isn’t and we met on a dating app he must be talking to others and could well and truly be sleeping with other people

It sounds as though your issue is you’re scared that this guy only wants sex. In this case trust your gut and just don’t see him again. Call me old fashioned but to me it’s a red flag that the guy didn’t respect you enough allow you to feel comfortable in his home on a first date. You said you struggled to keep his hands of you! If someone’s genuinely into you then they also don’t regularly ignore messages when they’re online already. I’d focus on yourself and the kids and hopefully a better match will eventually come through for you either online or real life.

Also the other day he didn’t call in the evening and messages went to one tick am I overthinking or is it obvious he could of been with someone 🤦🏻‍♀️too much headache when I’ve got a business to run and kids etc 🙃

I would say going back to someone’s home is unwritten code for wanting to sleep with them. Of course going back with a guy doesn’t mean you have to do anything and you can change your mind at any point. But personally I wouldn’t go back with someone or invite them into my house unless I was fairly sure I wanted to have sex or had made it very clear that wasn’t on the cards. There will be exceptions but that is my (fairly extensive) online dating experience. So that expectation may have affected his behaviour.

Why is your main concern whether you can keep him interested and whether he's seeing other women, instead of your own safety and comfort levels?

Honestly, I'd focus on what you want to do and less about how he will respond to it. That's his realm and you can't control it or second guess it.

If he is just after sex, then whether that's date 2 or date 7, he'll ghost/abandon afterwards.
You need to just do what feels right for you. Unfortunately people lie and are very good at concealing it so you can't always know.

I went on the dating scene over 2 years ago after an almost 20 year relationship. I hadn't ever dated before. I can honestly say that you'll know when you feel comfortable to be more intimate.
I slept with the first guy I met, on date 2 (I'd chatted to a fair few before hand and had 2 cancelled dates). I felt empowered. It didn't last past date 3 but I didn't feel used because I got confidence from it. Others since, less so sadly.

Also, a little advice, start to toughen yourself up, because dating is a roller coaster of joy and pain and everything in between. You need to figure out how to love yourself and be confident in who you are because otherwise you'll constantly question your worth based on some of the people you may come across.

Why are you expecting calls in the evening and instant responses to your messages when you've only met this guy once? I think it's always a bad idea to have such intense, frequent communication in the early stages if you're not actually meeting up. You're communicating as though you're in a relationship and then completely overthinking it when he doesn't get back to you.

Putting the sex issue aside, and I say this kindly, I think you're still affected by the shitty behaviour of your ex. Maybe it is "intuition" and this guy isn't decent, but it doesn't sound like you're in the place emotionally to be dating. Also doesn't sound like you have the time to date - like another poster said, if you've only met him once in two months how is this ever going to progress?

Hi all, thank you for all your messages, I’ve decided to stop talking to him, not really any fault of his I agree with posts that I’m just not ready 🤦🏻‍♀️I feel bad for him as I feel like I’ve played games but I feel like I need to really work on the effects my relationship of 20 years had on me, before I really get to know someone. Overthinking everything as my ex was a serial cheat and also very emotionally abusive! I agree with post about why I’m waiting on reply’s and calls etc and not Evan in a relationship definitely bringing my old relationship issues into something so best thing is too just be honest with him and say I’m not ready :/

I have been in a very similar boat when dating after my marriage ended due to my husbands infidelity. I then met someone who was worse than my husband (cheating lying etc). I have recently found myself in a situation with someone who appears genuine etc. but one night he didn’t reply to my message and my mind spiralled.

I believe he was being genuine about why he didn’t reply (he had his kids that night and they were up all night)

But either way it was my reaction that made me realise I’m not ready to date, I don’t trust my own judgement and don’t trust other people and I don’t want to turn up in a relationship like that. So I ended things and am focusing on myself, my children and healing now.

Take your time OP- when the time is right and the person is right, you’ll know (thats what I’m telling myself anyway!)