Supposed to be getting easier

[mumoftwoboys321]

when does the turning point come when do you start to feel like things are moving forward thankfully I now have a few people I can talk to which know a small portion of what’s been going on but I’m now stuck trying to fix the bridges of my cheating partner as he is currently in a very dark place and I’ve promised my children that he will get better but I don’t know how to do that when he’s caused so much hurt but everyone is looking at me to do that as if the past 6 months hasn’t happened

I wish I could give you a timeframe but I can't. It'll happen when it happens...or maybe never

Have you separated from him OP?

hes back in the home we share at the moment I promised the kids I will get him better (mental health) all the chickens came home to roost and he can’t handle it, just so tired of being the strong one the one that always has to fix things

Stop making promises for other people. You can't fix him or his bridges he's assumedly burnt.

His first step should be treating his mental health. That should have come before moving back in. Your part should be keeping stability in your home for the kids and that might mean him not being there.

You don’t need to fix it, and seeing it that way might actually do more damage in the long run. It sounds like he needs to sort himself out and you need to take a step back and work out what you want out of life - was a cheating husband on your wish list? You’ll feel better when you step away from the drama. And he’ll ultimately be fine, guys like that always are.

He's still incredibly selfish then. He's cheating and it's all about him and his 'mental health'. How about your mental health? He is letting you do all the leg work while he feels sorry for himself.

You aren't a mental health professional and can't do the work for him. If he wants to get better he needs to engage with mental health services and not drag his children through this.

He needs to start putting other people before himself. Has he apologised for his behaviour?

You can't get another person better.

You're making promises to your dc, you can't keep and that aren't fair on you or them.

What's he doing to help himself?

Also, I find cheats often claim "mental health" as a way to avoid the consequences of their behaviour. My ex is a case in point, claimed he walked into the river, etc. I stayed longer than I would have, but tbh, he was just a selfish man saying and doing anything he could to be the victim.

He’s manipulating you and because you are a good person you are being fooled by it. He’s upset because he didn’t want any consequences to his actions. You are trying to hold him accountable and he doesn’t like it so has made you the bad guy for following through.

Has he even been honest about his cheating? Has he given you full transparency with his devices? Taken any responsibility?

If you allow him to weasel his way back in you will hate yourself in a few months time when he’s feeling ‘ok’ again and swanning around going out with his ‘mates’, calling you controlling if you question him and expecting you to get over it because it’s in the past.

He is an adult. He has places he can go. He may not want to but you didn’t want to be left crying while he went to have sex with another woman. He has gaslit and emotionally abused you for weeks and it’s still continuing. You are not saying he can’t see his kids but you cannot continue to put yourself through this.

It really is astonishing just how many men try to cure their depression by having an affair, or have an affair, get found out and then say they are depressed.

If he's in a dark place, it is of his own making, and he needs to think of his children and bloody well get a grip and have some counselling to sort himself out. And in the meantime, he shouldn't be making his depression your fault because you are struggling to either forgive or move on from his betrayal.

He fucked up. Literally. Don't feel sorry for the cheating bastard.

They're not your bridges to fix, don't make promises like this to your kids. It's on the indulgent cheating man to fix himself.

Focus solely on yourself and your kids.

If the man is too much to deal with right now just communicate with him by parenting app. Other people's opinions are irrelevant.

Are you dependent on this man for housing or anything? Being unmarried means you're vulnerable unless you own the property and are financially secure

Why do you care about his mental health? He clearly doesn't give a single shit about yours. Get him gone, tell your kids you're going to make their lives better no matter what and actually work for it. If you can't trust him, how can they?

OP firstly this is not on you to fix.

The marriage you had is over, and you two need to build a new relationship that is on a new foundation, is that something you two have agreed on? or did he just move back in due to external pressures?

Other people should not be expecting you to build things on your own. Reason I say that is they would probably not want to find themselves fixing the leftovers of your DH doing. They would most likely have left and not looked back.

Why do others have so much say in your marriage?

You cannot fix it. That is not possible. If you carry on that way it will eventually drag you down too. He needs to do the work, and it may mean he needs to move out and work on things solo or you two risk going into further emotional disarray.

What would YOU like to see happen? without others opinion, what do you need?

At the moment he is here because my oldest wants him here to make sure he is getting better he has been to the doctors and is now taking medication and waiting for counselling unfortunately the sad truth is Iam the one that will pull him back from this (not his first break down) I’m strong enough to cope with a lot as I’ve been through a lot most of my life and my only focus is the kids and at the moment the oldest needs his dad close by and I can cope with that. Just wasn’t expecting all this to come about, Im in the process of finding a new home for me and my children I’m not the bread winner so that part is taking time

Why does your child know about the mans issues? Your child will need therapy, worrying about a parent like this does damage to a kid. (I speak from experience)

The ex boyfriends mental issues are none of your concern, it's on him to deal with. What mental health condition allows him to indulge in an extended affair, happily, but then manifests itself when caught out?

Because he’s old enough to understand a level of stuff he of course doesn’t know everything but knows more than he should due to the breakdown happening when it did I can only protect them from so much, thank you for all your opinions I don’t feel like I’m going so mad I will ask him to go to his mums until I can find a new home and go from there

Mental health issues should not be put on your eldest to manage either. That's parentalizing your eldest and it's toxic behaviour.

How old is your eldest?

Behaviour has consequences. Your oldest may want their dad to live there but it might not be the best thing for you or your children or even your ex.

That is a terrible burden for you and your children. How old is your eldest? Your child really shouldn’t be exposed to this. Was it your husband who has told him about the mental breakdown?

Your husband should be shielding his children from this not making it their problem to solve. It’s very manipulative. He should be staying with his parents and getting therapy, working on himself until he is able to be a parent. The child should never be the emotional support. It is very damaging and I say that from experience.

I understand why you feel you need to accept your child’s wishes as he won’t understand that it’s not a healthy situation and will blame you but you need to see this for what it is. Your husband is abusive and is using his mental health as a reason you can’t leave him.

Never forget the way he has treated you. Not just the cheating itself but the total disrespect of thinking he could walk back in with a half hearted explanation and expect you to accept it. He wasn’t even concerned you would tell the husband because he sees you as weak.

Having read your previous threads, this man did not give one shit about your mental health, or his own children.
Even after you found out, he got changed, and went out and met her.
He has behaved appallingly and is using the MH card now.
Your eldest son should not have to worry like this. His father wasn’t that distraught sending all those messages and meeting the OW. Seems to have found a bit of positivity in himself then, can’t find it for his own son now though.
He is manipulating all of you, including his own children.
It will get easier when you throw him out, and that’s it.
It will never improve with him in the home dragging you all done.
You and your children deserve better than this man and his shitty behaviour.

He’s playing you like a fool .He didn’t give a shit about you or your kids.What he has put you through is awful please think of yourself

unfortunately the sad truth is Iam the one that will pull him back from this (not his first break down)

Or - you're his enabler.

Why take responsibility for his own mental health and wellbeing when you'll cover for him and tolerate his behaviour?

Was going to say the same as pp above. It might sound harsh but your behaviour is enabling him.

It will get easier when you stop allowing yourself to be drawn in to the drama

OP, by the sounds of things he is manipulating you, and the children, and he has no regards for any of you.

If he was a decent man, as this is not one, he would insist that his children kept their innocence and would have insisted on staying elsewhere to pull HIMSELF out of his own doing.

You are enabling your ex, and writing on here isnt going to help you much.

Your ex knows how to use you, who to speak to you in order to get you and the children where HE wants you all. He has broken his promises on all fronts yet you are all paying for his sordid pleasures. Wake the hell up

Don’t think the answer will come from any where at the moment and yes I realise how silly how sound with everything and I have told him to go to his mums from tomorrow so hopefully things will become easier and better for everyone