Just not feeling it anymore

[perfectinthatfuckedupway]

I’m really struggling with my marriage right now. Kids are now out of the toddler stage, I’m feeling good about myself for the first time in years, and generally life is good.

But I’m feeling completely taken for granted by my husband. He’s a genuinely lovely man, but does very little around the house unless directly asked (many times) and shows little attraction to me, or interest in sex. I feel like I’m caring for an extra child half the time, am exhausted from the mental load of my reasonably senior job, all the housework, kids needs, cooking, laundry and trying to keep myself healthy - without any of the kind of intimacy I’d want from a husband.

I raised this with him, and he’s mildly horrified that I was feeling like that, and seemed keen to make changes, but in the week or so since hasn’t done anything (apart from attempting to initiate sex when I was half asleep). I feel completely stuck - there’s nothing fundamentally wrong with my marriage, and I do genuinely enjoy his company - but I’m feeling completely lost, and a bit like I’m living with another housemate rather than partner. We don’t argue, and I don’t want to ruin my kids home lives, but I’m on the verge of tears half the time because of feeling like my needs aren’t being met, and I just don’t know what to do. Any suggestions?!

That is not great OP, feeling like you are at the verge of tears that is.

Are you two able to go on a couples getaway?
A weekend away maybe?

Does he allow you to talk about things in a safe manner? Or would he get defensive?

We have got a weekend away coming up, and am sure will be lovely, because he’s lots of fun, and when the day to day stuff isn’t there, it’s easy. He does listen, and completely accepts that he does nothing (& I do it all!), but nothing ever changes.

I feel completely stuck - doesn’t feel like there’s a good enough reason to leave, but I just feel really sad sticking with it. It’s drudgery with no intimacy - albeit in a nice house, with gorgeous kids and an otherwise lovely life.

Couples counselling?

Thanks - this is a good idea. I’ve been having some therapy, but maybe worth looking into it for both of us.

there’s nothing fundamentally wrong with my marriage,

Yes, there is, he's a passenger in it.

He gives lipservice to wanting to improve things and does ... nothing.

It's a fairly fundamental problem that he's not acting like a true partner and sharing the load.

Being pleasant and good company is the least he could do. I mean, sure, there's worse marriages where the guy is a passenger and an arsehole, but still. The bar can be a bit higher than he's a nice guy but does fuck all.

This is all true! Though my views are somewhat skewed by having an ex (years ago, pre kids thankfully) who wasn’t very nice to me - even though he would have picked up half the load. I know which I’d prefer…!

Thank you. This actually brought tears to my eyes - it hits the nail on the head perfectly. I do just want to feel seen and appreciated and not just part of the wallpaper.

Will look into counselling and see where it gets us