~Gone

[CatharsisItIs]

Staggering.
Energy depelted.
Hold onto walls, don't want to fall,
Belly aches, baby writhes. Not due yet!
(Please, stay inside)
Wants to get out, be outside of my cries.

Doubling,
Up, in half.
Partly pain, part grief, I laugh,
Hysteria creeps, sanity prevails,
Relentless reality, nowhere to hide.
Heart is melting, feel trailing drips die.

Confusing.
Reality changing.
Suffer shock. Heart races. Breath stops.
Appetite gone, sleep denied, torture self,
Emotions soar and plummet,
I flail and writhe.

Bubbling,
Fury inside.
Children search, empty space, parent gone.
"At a sleepover" I say. "Is it fun?" They ask.
I nod and grin and they are happy for him,
And I am sad and mad on their behalf.

Daunting,
Life without.
Baby's father, half creator. My partner.
No word, no sign, he's dissapeared,
(due date's near)
One minute here, expressing love,
Went out for a night, said he'd be late,
But he's left us.
Alone.
Deprived.

Wow. Did you write that? Is that your story? If so you are very eloquent despite your grief and confusion.

I'm a single Mum and it's possible to be happy. Please try to be strong so that you can enjoy your baby's tiny days.

Come straight back here and post all your thoughts after your baby is born. The mumsnetters will make sure you get all the support you need and make sure you enjoy your baby when he/she is little.

I really hope that your mum and your sister and your friends are around you now. I really feel for you. How close to your DD are you?

~ Pens and Swords

This morning I woke at five a.m.
Opened my eyes and cried again,
Picked up some paper, grabbed a pen,
Writing my heart out, time and again.

It changes nothing, changes all,
Emotional outlet, literary drawl.
It helps me cope though, day in, day out,
When nothing is certain but truth will out.

I write my tales of pain and woe,
Hardly aware, I watch the ink flow.
See all around me fall into place,
In this surrel but familiar paper place.

But that the pen is mightier than the sword,
Than blades can't equal the power of words,
I'll believe it all when I fall on my pen,
And it brings the relief a sword would have done.

Thankyou. It was an affair. I am a regular, I'd prefer not to be identified but wanted to get these 'out there' because they've spent weeks within IYKWIM
I'm on the steep, harsh road to recovery and writing like this helped me so much and revisiting them from time to time does too xx

~ Sunset

Your eyes glaze over, you're barely there,
Old time friend whose life I shared.
Where do you go when the windows shutter?
Soul wanders away from all that mattered.

I see the clouds pass your sunrise eyes,
Yellow in the centre, blue outside.
From once where rays of love and light shone,
Weather changing, part of you gone.

Once, I basked in the rays of your soul,
Now I cower in uncertainty, reassurance gone.
As the clouds drift past, eclipse your sun,
I wander dirt paths of a twilight zone.

Then, once more, I glimpse you there,
Old time friend whose life I share.
Our souls dance again as our eyes meet and shine,
Then I see your eyes cloud and pain is mine.

Where do you go? What do you see?
Why is it you can't stay and dance with me?
What is it roaming inside your mind,
That now makes your soul hide away from mine?

(Written on the morning of the day I found out.)

Message withdrawn

Did you write the first poem to look like a pregnant woman? Each stanza has two short lines, then longer lines, then short lines again - the shape of the stanza at the right hand side looks like a pregnant tummy. Very clever. I heartily suspect you of being a professional

"I'll believe it all when I fall on my pen,

And it brings the relief a sword would have done".

This is really an excellent couplet. It's just heartbreaking that the cause of it being written is your obvious pain. I'm so sorry, CII.

And all I could manage to write when it happened to me was a string of "you fing ".

Have you thought of getting these published?

beautifully written

so sorry you are going through such pain
i am 3 years on the road of lone parent now... and i was taken back there reading these.....

I used to find it good to write things down especially in the middle of the night.....
and when i lookd back at how i felt i am at how low i was..... life has moved on for me now but at the time i didnt think it ever would

sending you some love and strength

Thanks for sharing in these with me .

LW, there are anger and eff off moments too!....

~ Laugh at Me?

Laugh,
I've seen it,
A sneer behind your eyes.
Contemptuous player.
Master of Lies.

Lie,
I see you,
Truth out of your reach.
The only one who can't see
What's apparent to us each.

Be,
All you are,
And everything you're not.
I wait and watch unfolding,
Chasms of rot.

Flail,
As you are,
In the drama you created.
In one moment feeling one thing,
The next it's complicated.

Seek,
My reaction.
But it will come when it's due.
Not while you need it,
I owe nothing to you.

They're great Catharsis.. and I at most "poetry" I see on here!

You are really talented.

I hope you're getting your life back on track now.

Re the last stanza - I used to say to XH "you chose the action, you do not get to choose my reaction". That really rings a bell with me, CII.

Contemptuous player. Every time I feel sad about xh I will remember this description. I tend to remember the bits where we loved each other, but there was so much contempt and cruelty from him. Why are our memories so selective?

I'm sure your ability to manipulate words is no comfort to you sometimes, but if we MUST experience something, to reach other people and comfort/strengthen them with our words is a gift. I hope it benefits you as well as others (((hug)))

I'm pregnant. By exP, during one of the few moments of comfort we shared following all this. Lost for words, for once.

Help

Fantastic poetry , sorry they come from such a sad place.

Thank you KPT.

WRT to my last post, pregnant again I mean. I found out last night. It's not even six months since I went through all this and the baby I was pregnant with during the first poem isn't yet four months old.

I think I'll bumble off and write some bits and bobs, it seems the only way I can clarify my mind.

These are beautiful and so strong - you are very lucky to have such an amazing gift.

Your babies are fortunate to have you x

Does he know that you're pergnant again?

Is it definitely over for good or is there any hope left?

I'm sorry you're going through this. Especially with your 4 month old too, you must be worn out.

I totally understand how you feel (I'm in the aftermath of my H's affair) and I can really relate to your poems. You are very talented.
Your children will bring you so much peace and happiness though, that you will get through it.

Oh gosh, that must be a bit of a shock. Just take your time getting your head round it . You don't need to tell him about it until you feel strong enough.

I've told him. We're in 'negotioation' for want of a better way of wording it!

Thanks for your messages. I'm not sure what way to go with this yet, it's all been a bit of a whirlwind!

Thanks Umbrella and KPT, my head's still spinning in some ways, settled in others. I'm feeling less terrified now, at least.

Baffy, worn out? I'm pg with number four! Thankfully, they absorb my time which would otherwise be absorbed with far too much analysis and therefore, poetry!