Another argument

[PomanderDelight]

Urgh anyone else with a difficult man? His attitude stinks. I’m so angry. Horrible, hateful man. Sorry, just need to vent. LDR and horrible call that escalated. He makes me so angry.

If it's an LDR, why are you doing it? Just end it surely?

I was, but I left him and now I'm much happier.

I'm sorry you're feeling like this OP. It might be worth asking yourself what are you getting out of this relationship?

It’s only long distance some of the time.

Thank you. I left him about a year ago & it was easier, calmer, but I missed him so much. We had changed our conflict style since we got back together but at times of stress the arguments start again.

Tell me more about leaving. I wonder if I don’t need to leave, but to create space. His personality stinks though, it’s not just to me, he’s generally contrary.

What do you get out of being with a man like this, genuinely? What joy does he bring to your life?

What was it about him that you missed exactly? Was it really him, or was it the company and the feeling of being with someone? What are his good points? From what little you've said here it doesn't sound like he adds much joy to your life.

One of the things I've found in the past year since leaving my ex is that in moments when I'm feeling low or weak, my mind will fixate on the good times, almost romanticising the relationship, and I almost convince myself it wasn't that bad. I needed to keep myself grounded and consciously remind myself of the bad stuff for a long time.

I wonder if something similar was happening for you?

When we argue I try to come back to this. He is loyal, he can be gentle and loving, and we have a particular type of understanding and deep connection. But his attitude stinks.

Stop kidding yourself you have a ‘deep connection’ - you’re not Cathy and Heathcliff. In the real world of healthy adult relationships, blazing rows and a hateful attitude are not an indicator of a great passion. He’s cunt and he doesn’t even live near you; just dump him FFS and have some self-respect.

Thank you for this, it’s helpful in calming me down. Much shouting from me. I shout & he shuts off.

I def didn’t miss the feeling of being with someone. I missed him: I missed our kisses, how we are together, his care, his help. When he is kind, he is helpful, supportive, and he can create a peaceful side. But some nights he’s contrary. It starts with silly jokes to wind me up, then gets into nitpicking & into stuff about my past. A long story but we were together as teens and then got back together many years later. Should be a sweet love story on paper but he ruins it with his bad attitude. It’s like he can’t allow us to be too happy.

That’s a great tactic about snapping out of the romanticising. I feel like I do the opposite & remind myself that I’m good alone, and I can be ok by myself.

Maybe similar, as you say, in that the deep past makes us cling to each other, unhealthily.

But we do have a deep connection. It is undeniable. I don’t need the arguments to show the passion - and it’s not passion I’m after. I need commitment, which he does freely give. We live together some of the time. I have a house near his which I live in about half the time. I don’t think he’s as bad as you suggest, but he’s a difficult person.

It sounds like an unhealthy cycle at the very least. It might be worth taking some space and really having a think about what you want from life and what he brings to the table.

As they say, if you find yourself saying 'when it's good it's great but when it's bad it's awful', then he's not the one. Just some food for thought.

It might also help you to look up what a trauma bond is. Wishing you a peaceful rest of your evening OP

Thanks so much @Cryingatthegym Yes, unhealthy cycle and trauma bonds have a lot to do with it. We both need a way to deal with it healthily. Space sounds good.

Are you prepared to compromise your happiness to be with a person whose "attitude stinks"?

He's not going to change. This is fundamentally who he is. And he is likely to get worse not better.

You didn't miss him you were lonely and it was easy.

Be on your own and socialise in suitable sensible ways.

Good point. At the moment I don’t feel I am compromising my happiness, but that he is a difficult person. I’m not sure that’s true about worse - we had both been steering things in a better direction. But this toxic cycle has to stop.

You’re wrong. I missed him. I wasn’t lonely at all, I have a good circle of friends & saw more of them. It’s not about socialising, I’m keeping that going. I don’t want to be alone, I want to find a healthier way to be with him. Its been helpful to vent on here. Thanks

He plays jokes on you, escalates to picking on you and then starts delving into your past. You react by shouting and being upset.

Do you know what? He is placing himself in his happy place and you fall for it. He does it because he wants to and he wants to because he likes how he feels when you react like that.

This is not a man who likes you. This is not a man who respects you. He spends time thinking about how good he feels when you are upset. Then he makes you upset and feels great. Then he ruminates and remembers how good he felt.

Instead of looking to Horrible Man, it’s time to look in another direction. You might find someone who thinks and plans how to make you feel loved, valued and respected because that’s his happy place. And when he looks back, he remembers your beautiful smile and remembers feeling good about that. That’s the sort of man you should hope to meet.

Everything you’ve said throughout this thread sounds like you’re massively over-romanticising the nature of your relationship.

You’ve described him as horrible, hateful and contrary with an attitude that stinks, but then in the next breath you’re waxing lyrical about deep connections. Essentially, you can’t vent about how hateful, horrible and contrary someone else and repeatedly describe their attitude as stinking, while you’re telling us how hurt, upset and angry he regularly makes you, and then expect people not to roll their eyes when defend him and imply he’s your loyal soulmate and insist that you can ‘find a healthy way of being together’.

You don’t just ‘need a healthy way to be together’. There is no healthy way to be with someone like this.

I don’t mean this as an insult, but as a genuine insight that I think it’s worth considering: it’s very interesting that you say you were initially together as teenagers, because to me as an objective bystander, the relationship, the intense, angsty terms in which you’re talking about it, and the behaviour of you both within it all sound like something I’d expect from a couple of 17-year-olds.

All this talk of connections and trauma bonding and working on conflict styles is just masking the real problem, which is that this an immature and toxic relationship with a man who is regularly vile to you. Healthy relationships with kind, loyal, loving partners aren’t full of this drama. He isn’t going to change and it isn’t going to get better. All the overthinking and therapy speak in the world isn’t going to change the facts of the situation.

And you need to be the one to stop it, not look at this toxic relationship through rose-tinted glasses. Life isn't Mills and Boon!

This is an utterly perfect reply.
you have opened my eyes to his behavioir. He’s being cruel and controlling.

I have written this down for myself for reflection. He treats me like this ne suss he knows I will react.

I swear i am not romanticising. I actually think we need to be the ones to stop it, not me alone. He needs to do his part of the work, too.

He is abusive, he will not change. He enjoys abusing you. What will you do with that information?

I’m surprised you think this. I wasn’t over-romanticising, the truth is that we do have a bond. We were together as teenagers, I split from
him to pursue university and we then tried to get back together a few times but things never quite worked out for us to try. Finally after many years we did make a go of it, and it’s been a few years now.

He isn’t a horrible or hateful person. He’s a good, loyal, caring person. His friends describe him as this. But he is also contrary, pendantic, argumentative to me. Why can’t someone be both? He is a nice man who is shit at relationships. I’m not asking anyone to defend him, I want to vent.

I’m interested in how you describe us as teenagers. It went on until I was about 19, he is a bit older. Back then it wasn’t intense or angst at all. He was very very caring, protective, gentle. Something happened to him in the intervening years to make him hard and difficult. I was just saying that this evening. He seems to get off on being difficult. Immature is correct.

I didn’t use therapy speak: a pp asked about trauma bonds and I said I know what they are.

im not asking for him to change, I want his behaviours and attitude to change. And I know he’s capable, because he’d been putting in the work in these few months.

I’m not sure what I will do with that info. More to the point is what he will do with it. When I told him he was being abusive this evening he pointed out that I was the one shouting & swearing. I don’t deny it’s bad too, but I believe it’s a reaction to his awful ways. He thinks I need to learn self control but he can’t see that he starts the cycle each time - and perpetuates it.

He is not going to do that because he is happy abusing you!

You are the one who is going to have to preserve yourself. No-one else can do that for you.

You are romanticising. This man is no good for you. Accept that and be done.