Husband thinks he's being supportive of weightloss

[NorthernGirlie]

He made a comment when we were being intimate about fancying me more now I'm losing some weight and it felt like he'd hit me with a brick.
He thinks he's being supportive and can't understand why I'm so upset, I can't articulate it in a way that he understands why I'm so upset.

I feel like it means he's not fancied me at all while I've been bigger. I'm nowhere near slim now and can't stop thinking about how he sees me.

We're in stalemate, I'm gutted and feel so upset. He thinks now he's said sorry I should get over it. I've no idea where to go with it all.

Sounds like he was a bit clumsily trying to give you a compliment. If he’s a kind man I’d let this one slide. Of course if he is regularly putting you down there’s an issue

How is your relationship otherwise? Because this could be a big deal breaker and awful thing he said, or it could be a stupid clumsy way of trying to be on your side.

I’m overweight, so I get the self consciousness around your body. For me, I started dating a new guy 18 months ago. So he only knew me at that size, and he wanted me. But I’m losing weight, and it’s started showing, and he has given me compliments. He’s never said he fancies me more, and I’m trying to imagine him saying that… it would hurt. It would feel like he has been judging me all the other times he has seen me naked. But then, I know him and sometimes he has had foot in mouth moments and been a bit clumsy so I can actually totally imagine him saying it and thinking that he was being supportive and kind. I’d want to forgive it. I think I’d know he didn’t mean it the way I’d taken it.

Have you felt wanted by your husband in the past? Has it been good in bed, felt like he is into it? Because he wouldn’t have been with you if he didn’t find you attractive, so he must have. And maybe he does find you more attractive now, maybe it’s the same… does it matter? He still finds you attractive, he was with you no matter what, he sounds passionate about you. A clumsy turn of phrase at the wrong moment doesn’t sound so bad in the grand scheme.

We have a good relationship in that we rarely argue, get on well, we're affectionate etc. He's from a very non emotional family though and the lack of emotional support or empathy has always been an issue for me.

He doesn't get that I'm hurt and I've no idea how to explain it in a way he'll understand so feel like I need to just suck it up again.

I get that my weight is my problem, I'm just gutted he's brought it up in the moment, however clumsily, as it made me feel like shit.

MN is full of posts from women saying they feel they look much better when they lose weight, and can wear nicer clothes etc.

Would you say that's the same for you?

Because if so, then it's probably the same for him too.

It doesn't mean he didn't fancy you before, it just means he fancies you more now.

Did you feel like he was attracted to you before you lost the weight? Did you feel wanted?

I think he doesn’t understand the problem because he wanted you before, he found you attractive before and he wants you now, maybe he likes different things more but to him, all he feels is that he wants you. And he wanted you before so he’ll thinking “what’s the problem” and just isn’t seeing the back handedness of what he said.

If you feel like he wanted you before and he wants you now then I’d let this go as clumsy and just not having the same emotional depth that you have. But if you actually feel like he didn’t want you before and only wants you now, then I’d be concerned.