The panic years

[newgirl8487]

Hi everyone, looking for some guidance or just for some people to listen, really!

I'm 34 and will be 35 in June. I am in a new relationship of 4 months - early on we had the discussion about children and he said if he is going to have them he will need to have them in the next couple of years due to his age so we are on the same page in that respect. We often talk about the importance of family etc but are taking things fairly slowly and taking time to get to know each other - we see each other twice a week, one weeknight and one day/night at the weekend. I really like him - I fancy him like mad and he is so good to me.

I know it's sensible to take things slowly and not rush because I want to really know him before TTC - I want a family unit, not just a baby - but sometimes I feel very panicked due to my age and like I want to talk to him about getting a timeline in place for moving in, TTC etc even though that would probably sound mad because we haven't even been on holiday together yet (we do have a long weekend booked for the summer). I read about people who moved in together after 2 weeks and conceived after 3 months and I wonder if I am being silly taking things so slowly.

I feel like I can't just enjoy this time because I am so concerned with 'is this guy the father of my child/ren?'

Can anyone relate? Can anyone give me any words of advice? When should I be having conversations with him about moving in/TTC? Sometimes I feel like I'm losing my mind with all of this.

What you could do is go to a private clinic for a fertility MOT. You don’t have to tell him. They might say all is good which will give you a level of reassurance. They might find small things wrong which can be treated at your own discretion. There’s nothing stopping you from taking folic acid and multi vits to prepare.

Do what’s within your control and enjoy this great new relationship for another few months. Then you can revisit next steps.

If all goes well then don’t let anyone tell you that you need to be married or together x no. Of months/yrs before you move in together and ttc.

If having a child is important to you I don't see any problems with saying that to him , own it and tell him.
There is no shame in that, it's biology, it's completely normal.
I'm a firm believer in waiting for all the stars being aligned to have children is silly, see what he says then crack on x

I panicked when turning 34, but in the end it was all for naught. It wasn’t a great state of mind to find a partner. Can you afford egg freezing?

The sad truth nowadays in my opinion is whether you’ve been together for 5 months or 5 years, they can still end up being arseholes, lazy or cheats.

if a baby it’s important to you, then do it. But you need fo accept that there will be a possibility that you end up doing it alone, as you never know how devoted a father will be. There is no length of time that will show you how much of a good father he’ll be until it happens. I know that’s a shitty way of thinking, but it’s true

I can relate to pretty much the exact scenario you have described but not sure I have answers! As it turns out, I am two years down the line and about to move in together. So we have taken it quite slow BUT I did have the conversations about ‘timelines’ at about 6 months, and we talked about how we both wanted to spend some time just having a normal relationship. So we got the conversation out the way quite early even though we didn’t immediately ‘action’ any relationship milestones.

I totally get this bit of your post - ‘I feel like I can't just enjoy this time because I am so concerned with 'is this guy the father of my child/ren?'’. This was me for probably about a year. After a year I relaxed a bit because the relationship had had time to breathe and by then I did believe he wasn’t just saying what I wanted to hear.

My only advice is to keep speaking to each other really, and try to really ask yourself what you want rather than feel you have to rush through things (easier said than done) eg. at one point I felt like we should be moving in together to get things moving, but actually when I had a proper think about it, I didn’t WANT that, it juts felt like I ought to be driving things forward. Now, I’m glad we waited a couple of years to live together cos I do think I would have been doing it for the sake of it before now.

Also, i personally decided against getting a fertility mot in the early days cos I felt like it would present me with two options: either it came back with some sort of issue and I’d be having to have a conversation with my partner to say - ok well we need to have a baby right now actually - which I didn’t want to have, or it would say I was fine in which case it didn’t change anything. I’ve been considering one now cos of it did tell me i needed to try for a baby sooner rather than later at least that would feel like a more realistic option after two years than 6 months.

@Jk987thank you, I got one done 18 months ago and I have lots of eggs apparently but who knows what the quality is like. And what if he has problems? When I think about how long it could take to TTC and if we might need IVF it really worries me.

@Okigenhow old were you when you had children? I’ve looked into egg freezing but I’m not sure it’s worth it for the cost as success rates are so low.

@bored1234this is true. But I also think he might run a mile if I ask to start a family right now! I don’t want him to think I see him just as a sperm donor.

@casapenguinthank you, it’s comforting to know that someone understands. I think I probably get confused between what I think ‘should’ happen and what I want to happen. We have taken things quite slowly eg havent met friends/family yet and I have appreciated being able to take time to properly get to know him (I was love bombed by my last 2 bfs and things moved too fast) but I also think we ‘should’ be moving more quickly if we want to have a family.

@newgirl8487 I don’t have children yet. I met my other half at 35 and we are planning to move in together later this year, then if things go well we may TTC. By the time we are “ready” I will probably be at least mid 37, so realistically we will probably need to use those frozen eggs. I understand that it will be a bit risky, but I have come to realise that not having children would be better than tying myself for 20 years to an incompatible partner for the sake of a child. I know someone a bit older than me who decided to do it alone. Her life is very tough and I wouldn’t want to be the same. However unlike me, she had always wanted to become a mother and has never regretted it.

Also egg freezing success rate is not that low - the people opposing to it often report low success rate per egg, but omit the fact that one round of IVF will use multiple eggs at once (increasing your chance), and many eggs are unused simply because the mother has conceived naturally. On the other hand the fertility clinic tend to promise a rosy picture. The truth is probably somewhere in between. If you want to do it, probably better to do it asap. Mine (done at 34) was fairly successful, while i know someone doing it at 36 and got one third of what I had.

You do really need to slow down your anxiety.
I understand it, but it shouldn't be the foundation for how quickly you progress in your very new relationship.
Loot at your anxiety as being a single voice in your advisory board. Your rational side is another voice. Maybe you have an impulsive side, another voice. Take all of these voices as they are meant to be: advisors. You still make the decisions.
If, weighing down everything, you still think that taking to your boyfriend of 4 months about a timeline on when to move in together and start to TTC, by all means. But don't let anxiety be the only voice you've heard.

My husband and I moved in after 4 months, but that's just because we both have that impulsive side and we just said: F it, we're going to leap. Both of us were living in houses which were about to be sold and we didn't see the point in each renting something else.
We became pregnant on the first try a year later. Don't regret a thing, apart from maybe not spending enough time as a couple before diving into parenthood.
So does it work out if you go fast? Sometimes, and at the very least you both have to want it. But our decisions was a gamble, it could have very well ended up completely differently.

Unless you're ignoring serious warning signs out of desperation to have a child, there’s really no way to know if you'll end up with the stable family and unity you hope for—it’s only clear once it actually happens.

If I were in your shoes, I’d try to think through and prepare for some of the “what if” scenarios. For example, what if you end up a single mother before the baby is born? Do you have the financial resources to support yourself and the child? A solid support system? Your own place? Reliable transportation? A will in place? Someone you trust who could take care of your child if anything happened to you? A backup plan in case that falls through? Childcare arrangements?

Also consider potential challenges, like the child being born with a disability or health condition that requires lifelong care—are you ready for that responsibility?

A child is a real person with emotions. The environment they grow up in, whether good or bad, can leave lasting emotional scars. If you’re purposely overlooking red flags, please reconsider.

Bringing a child into an already unstable or unhealthy situation won’t solve your problems—it will likely make things more difficult.

There’s no guaranteed timeline for knowing if your relationship will work out. People change, relationships evolve, and nothing is certain, even with time.

And most importantly, take a hard look at yourself. If you’re dealing with unresolved trauma, deep trust issues, or emotional instability, now might not be the right time to bring a child into your life. Life is full of risks and trial-and-error, but this is one area where careful thought is essential.