TW unsure of contact with mother

[Berrytea]

I have limited contact with my mother now after being estranged from her for a few years. She was also estranged from her own family and had me with an abusive man so without her I have no family. She doesn’t do what I’m about to explain anymore.
she has bipolar disorder and gave me an anxious attachment style which has effected my own ability to have relationships (I am working on it now that I’m aware of it). She was aggressive and what could be considered emotionally abusive towards me throughout my childhood to “keep me under control”. She was unpredictable and I had to walk on eggshells around her. She had a number of relationships and she introduced me to these men and I was even unintentionally exposed to their sex life. I was affected by it all, and because of it I was seeking out inappropriate attention from other children and men and acting out. My “acting out” and behaviour got worse especially when I was a teenager and it broke the family apart and I left home to start a new life for myself.
She isn’t like this anymore now that I don’t live with her and is seemingly supportive of my wellbeing, she also brings round cakes. we have spoken about these experiences and she has explained things from her end and mentioned some experiences in her own childhood that shaped how she parented; but believes that I am attacking her or trying to get her into trouble, and this defensiveness makes me unsure. Not sure how to handle it

Who diagnosed her with bipolar?.

Whatever the reasons she used to abuse you it is still no excuse nor justification. You were but a child at the time and you were abused by her. Where was your father here?. She failed you as a parent and so did your dad by failing to protect you from her. No-one ever bothered to show you what a mutually respectful relationship is like and you still do not know.

None of what happened to you was your fault. She had a choice when it came to you and she chose the low road. She chose to act emotionally abusively towards you to supposedly keep you under control; she was the one completely out of control and she never sought nor wanted to seek the necessary help.

She was abusive to you as a child and she has not fundamentally changed in all the years since. I would no longer answer the door to you nor accept her cakes.
You owe her nothing, least of all a relationship now. Abusive people always but always blame others, it is never their fault. Your mother has never really apologised nor has taken any responsibility for her actions and her behaviour now of defensiveness is proof of that. She is really not worth bothering about. Drop the rope entirely and free yourself fully from your parental abuser. Put both mental and physical distance between you and she and work on strengthening your boundaries. Consider contacting NAPAC as they are very helpful to those who suffered childhood abuse. Toxic Parents by Susan Forward is also worth reading.

My sentence should say I would no longer answer the door to her nor accept her cakes.

Be unavailable to her going forward. You do not have to answer the door to her. Consider buying a ring doorbell so you can see who is standing at your front door. She is trying to win you over by making you feel further obligated towards her when you are likely already mired in FOG (fear, obligation and guilt).

It's a lonely, lonely life if you have no family and struggle with relationships. Not interested in assigning blame; sometimes people do the best they can but it's not very good.

It sounds like your mother loves you, but is a very damaged person. Have you reached some sort of acceptance of the way she was towards you?

At a guess your mum feels very guilty about the way she treated you - she knows it was bad- and can't handle even talking over what happened without feeling guilty.

In practise I think the best thing, if you can (and if it works for you) go to some skilled therapy. Nothing can undo the events of the past but you may be able to face some of the pain, accept it and move beyond it. That can be very healing. I think you need therapy on your own, but would she be willing to go to a different joint therapy? If she is the sort of person who genuinely tries then she may be very limited in how she can respond to you, but she may do her best. It will never be perfect with how damaged she is, but it may outweigh going no contact.

Beyond that some contact gives both of you something, but I think that you need to keep some distance (as you said you're doing). But it seems worth trying to have a limited, and careful, relationship. The point may come where you can't, where you need to step away, but it's worth working on how to handle her. Just keep some careful distance, and be aware she can never be the mother you needed when you were young.

I would not at all entertain any thoughts of joint therapy because she abused you as a child. Joint counselling is never recommended where there is abuse of any type within a relationship.

You have two qualities your mother lacks; empathy and insight.

It's an evil thing to discard a mother lightly.

Sometimes there is no other choice, but it should be near to a last resort, not just treating her as a casual stranger you can just dump.

I went NC with my bio. mother for 5 years after she tried to strangle me but in the end we had distant, infrequent contact and she did try to behave for those rare hours I saw her. I'm glad of it. Shutting the door on your mother leaves a wound, though sometimes a necessary one. But to do it lightly to someone who may be trying to make up in their own way for abuse in the past is callous.

I think you should explore all the options @Berrytea Consider them carefully, all of them, the pros and the cons.

And I'm sorry for the enormous pain that you went through as a child with her damaging and inappropriate behaviour. I hope you can find peace.

Thanks everyone