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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Advice Needed

24 replies

Suzie225 · 22/04/2025 16:10

Really need opinions on this matter.
I have been seeing someone for the last 4 years. He's quite a bit older than me but we have a great time together and I care for him a lot. We've never put a label on it as we are in very different stages of life and instead want to just enjoy the time together, with the understanding that we are loyal to eachother and aren't seeing other people. He has a close relationship with his ex who he has a child with. I have never interfered with that and look up to the respect he has and shows towards her. Anyway, he took unwell and has informed me that she has set up a room for him at her place. He asked me what I thought about this but I never responded as I'm still trying to work out how I feel. Also, the child won't be there during this time. I'm not the jealous sort and as I've said, I love the respect he shows her. However, I don't want to come across a mug. Some of his family know we're intimate together and I'm just wondering if now's the time to put a stop to that? I don't know if his family are looking at me and laughing. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
WakingUpToReality · 22/04/2025 16:14

That’s ridiculous. Looks like he is still involved with her. I wouldn’t accept this. Why on earth would she want him with her? Does she know he’s seeing you?

Clockface8 · 22/04/2025 16:15

What’s the illness op?

Clockface8 · 22/04/2025 16:16

I would 100% do this for my ex and father of my children if he was seriously ill and lived alone

Clockface8 · 22/04/2025 16:17

4 years together and you’ve never “put a label on it”? What do you mean?

so he’s not your boyfriend? Not your partner? Not a FWB?

Maitri108 · 22/04/2025 16:23

We've never put a label on it as we are in very different stages of life and instead want to just enjoy the time together, with the understanding that we are loyal to eachother and aren't seeing other people.

This doesn't make sense. How can you be in an exclusive relationship without being in a relationship? Who came up with this definition?

He's not doing anything wrong because you're not in a relationship with him. Apparently.

Suzie225 · 22/04/2025 16:27

She knows he's seeing me but they're very close. They have a really good relationship. It wasn't an op but he's in a bad way. I guess he is a FWB but we are both of the understanding that we don't FWB anyone else. We use the term BF/GF very loosely.

OP posts:
S0j0urn4r · 22/04/2025 16:28

This sounds like complete and utter fuckwittage. I'd suggest you break up with him but you can't as you're not actually in a relationship.
Stop engaging with this man.

Maitri108 · 22/04/2025 16:32

Suzie225 · 22/04/2025 16:27

She knows he's seeing me but they're very close. They have a really good relationship. It wasn't an op but he's in a bad way. I guess he is a FWB but we are both of the understanding that we don't FWB anyone else. We use the term BF/GF very loosely.

A FWB is a friend you have sex with. If he's just a friend, then it doesn't matter who he stays with. You've agreed that you're not in a relationship OP.

DaisyChain505 · 22/04/2025 16:34

You either need to put a label on it and have proper boundaries or you really don’t have much say in what he does and with who. You can’t have it both ways.

Clockface8 · 22/04/2025 16:36

Suzie225 · 22/04/2025 16:27

She knows he's seeing me but they're very close. They have a really good relationship. It wasn't an op but he's in a bad way. I guess he is a FWB but we are both of the understanding that we don't FWB anyone else. We use the term BF/GF very loosely.

What is his illness

so you’re a FWB

That is the label. 4 years of it and remained like that.

So really op, whether or not you have problem with this, is not remotely important as long as he tells you if the arrangement is no longer exclusive

Conversationkiller654 · 22/04/2025 16:37

Relationships come in all forms, shapes and sizes op. In order to succeed, there needs to be honesty and sincerity between the two people involved.

He is being open with you. We hope!

Obviously we don’t know the context, which makes it hard to judge. Is his illness very serious? Why does he need anyone nursing him? Are you able to offer him the care and structure he needs in order to recover?

Ultimately I suppose, it boils down to whether you trust him or not?

But just as he has been honest with you, you need to be honest with him and say you feel uncomfortable and confused by this, and that you don’t know how to react, and see how he reacts?

If you need to step back for your own self protection op, then do so. You don’t have to play the role of cool girlfriend!

Tell him straight that you are trying to be understanding but you don’t know how to feel about this when the parameters of your relationship are so ill-defined. FWIW, I think that would be an entirely reasonable way to feel in these circumstances!

No one on here can tell you whether his closeness to his ex is a good or bad thing, because it could be either!

Edited to say that this situation is obviously a catalyst to seek more clarity if you are feeling confused and upset by these events. And if he is unwilling to offer that, then you may have your answer… .

Clockface8 · 22/04/2025 16:37

Sounds to me like you are hankering for more than FWB

Suzie225 · 22/04/2025 16:43

Thank you Conversationkiller654, I will do that.
I guess Clockface8. I like him a lot but I also don't want to loose our close friendship.

OP posts:
Clockface8 · 22/04/2025 16:54

Suzie225 · 22/04/2025 16:43

Thank you Conversationkiller654, I will do that.
I guess Clockface8. I like him a lot but I also don't want to loose our close friendship.

Well you risk it if you have a tizzy over him moving back in with his ex due to what I can only imagine is a very serious illness

Suzie225 · 22/04/2025 16:59

I wasn't sure how I felt about it. As I said in my original post, I just don't want to look like a mug.

OP posts:
Clockface8 · 22/04/2025 16:59

The bigger picture is your FWB that you want more with appears to be very seriously ill op, surely?

Clockface8 · 22/04/2025 16:59

Suzie225 · 22/04/2025 16:59

I wasn't sure how I felt about it. As I said in my original post, I just don't want to look like a mug.

Your a FWB for 4 years

who are you worried about thinking you’re a mug?

Suzie225 · 22/04/2025 17:07

Of course I do, just to be clear..it's not life or death. I don't want to disclose the details but he'll get back to full health.
..just his family I suppose.

OP posts:
Clockface8 · 22/04/2025 18:04

Suzie225 · 22/04/2025 17:07

Of course I do, just to be clear..it's not life or death. I don't want to disclose the details but he'll get back to full health.
..just his family I suppose.

Do they even really know about you? Given no label and basically a FWB?

SchrodingersTwat2 · 22/04/2025 18:09

Four YEARS?!?

I'd find someone new.

Orangesinthebag · 22/04/2025 18:17

His illness & vulnerability or feeling of vulnerability may well change his view of your relationship.
It might also do that for his ex too.

Don't be shocked if they reunite in this time or afterwards.
He's older than you so this may be a wake up call for him & his priorities may well change in light of this illness, life threatening or not.

Maitri108 · 22/04/2025 18:49

Suzie225 · 22/04/2025 16:59

I wasn't sure how I felt about it. As I said in my original post, I just don't want to look like a mug.

You don't look like a mug. You're not in a relationship so I wouldn't worry about it. Like you said, you're both at different stages and don't want to be in a relationship.

His ex is going to be the one running around after him, not you.

DaisyChain505 · 22/04/2025 19:14

The question you need to ask yourself is, are you happy to just be this with him forever?

I’m not sure on your age or if you have/want children but ask yourself if in 10 years you were still in this same position with this man would you be happy?

Do you want someone to claim you as their own? Do you want a solid life partner who’s there every night at the end of a tough day? Do you want to get married and have it be you and him against the world?

If there genuinely isn’t something you want then carry on as you are but never settle because you don’t think there’s more out there.

Littlebrick · 23/04/2025 16:19

Why would the family even be aware of you OP given you were a FWB

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