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Original poster

Devestated that ex husband has new GF

22 replies

Etoile1 · 22/04/2025 15:46

I left my husband due to him filming me during sex without consent (see previous post).We are nearly a year on and finding out he is in a new relationship and wanting to introduce our kids has just floored me.
Over the last year I have been working hard to keep everything calm for the children.I still allow him in the house to see the kids between his weekends.It is almost like I got used to a new unhealthy normal.He still seems to want to dip in and out of family life here aswell as have his new life.
Seems to think we can still be close friends etc despite the circs.I have been just trying to keep everything amicable and normal for the kids.
This news sent me into a bit of a breakdown, it sounds like he pretty much moved on quick too.I feel depressed, anxious, panic at night, lost weight and not eating.Feeling guilty that the kids have seen me upset.The gp has put me on citalopram but I feel like this awful patch is never going to end.
He has also just moved really close to me and I feel like I will bump into them now and dread leaving the house.Kind advice please, feel like I am at rock bottom again after working so hard to keep it together.

OP posts:
DenholmElliot11 · 22/04/2025 15:48

it'll get easier.

Just out of interest, how did you find out?

alcoholnightmare · 22/04/2025 15:48

Firstly, I’m SO sorry, what a dickhead he’s been/being.
secondly, how long have you been on citalopram and what dose? I found going from 20mg to 40mg was a massive game changer… not that you aren’t right to feel the way you do, that’s totally justified

BlahBlahBittyBlah · 22/04/2025 15:49

Pity her that she’s getting involved with him. Hold your head high and remind yourself you did the right thing, you are worth so much more. Repeat this to yourself until you believe it.

CloudCustard · 22/04/2025 15:49

Get some new boundaries in asap. If he wants to come over during the week he can wait outside and take them out for evening.

alcoholnightmare · 22/04/2025 15:50

Does he see the children outside of your house? You sound like you need a break.
my gut feeling is that he’s moved quickly with her because he can’t handle parental responsibility on his time. Pathetic arsehole.

Original poster
Etoile1 · 22/04/2025 16:29

DenholmElliot11 · 22/04/2025 15:48

it'll get easier.

Just out of interest, how did you find out?

He sent me a text telling me hes been in a serious relationship for several months

OP posts:
Original poster
Etoile1 · 22/04/2025 16:31

alcoholnightmare · 22/04/2025 15:50

Does he see the children outside of your house? You sound like you need a break.
my gut feeling is that he’s moved quickly with her because he can’t handle parental responsibility on his time. Pathetic arsehole.

He has them every other weekend but gets back from work late so if he wants to say hi in the week he ends up coming in.This has prob done me more harm than good.

OP posts:
Original poster
Etoile1 · 22/04/2025 16:32

alcoholnightmare · 22/04/2025 15:48

Firstly, I’m SO sorry, what a dickhead he’s been/being.
secondly, how long have you been on citalopram and what dose? I found going from 20mg to 40mg was a massive game changer… not that you aren’t right to feel the way you do, that’s totally justified

Been on it ages, going 20mg to 30mg, that gives me hope

OP posts:
Original poster
Etoile1 · 22/04/2025 16:34

BlahBlahBittyBlah · 22/04/2025 15:49

Pity her that she’s getting involved with him. Hold your head high and remind yourself you did the right thing, you are worth so much more. Repeat this to yourself until you believe it.

I know I need to do this as I doubt he has changed, he did better help therapy for a few weeks because he has all sorts of issues.Apparently he is a new man.Just wish I hadn't had this relaspse of emotion

OP posts:
sesquipedalian · 22/04/2025 16:35

“if he wants to say hi in the week he ends up coming in.”

This needs to stop, OP. Tell him that now he’s in a relationship, his new woman won’t like him doing this and nor do you. At the moment, he’s having his cake and eating it - doing the “family life” bit when it suits him, and then waltzing off to the new woman. Don’t stand for it - you need to put firm boundaries in place so that you can move on.

Ceramiq · 22/04/2025 16:35

Your exH has very serious boundary issues. You need to be much, much firmer with him about not crossing the threshold into your home.

Original poster
Etoile1 · 22/04/2025 16:37

sesquipedalian · 22/04/2025 16:35

“if he wants to say hi in the week he ends up coming in.”

This needs to stop, OP. Tell him that now he’s in a relationship, his new woman won’t like him doing this and nor do you. At the moment, he’s having his cake and eating it - doing the “family life” bit when it suits him, and then waltzing off to the new woman. Don’t stand for it - you need to put firm boundaries in place so that you can move on.

Yes this is exactly it.He also comes in and says nothing has changed and he still loves me.Buys little gifts all the time etc.And yes I doubt his new GF would be happy him coming in etc, I had no idea she was on the scene tho.

OP posts:
DaisyChain505 · 22/04/2025 16:38

Stop letting him in the house. You’re giving everyone in the situation mixed signals.

He has the kids on his time, you have them on yours. If there’s any changes of plans then he has them out of your home not in it.

D0g · 22/04/2025 16:45

You absolutely need to stop letting him dip in and out my ex tried using my house as a waiting room in between dropping kids (teens) off and waiting for his class or whatever it is he was doing to start with he got a short shrift. You need to be able to move on and enjoy your space and time you cannot do that with him lingering around like a bad smell. Its hard as you feel awful but set some boundaries for your own good

Original poster
Etoile1 · 22/04/2025 16:49

D0g · 22/04/2025 16:45

You absolutely need to stop letting him dip in and out my ex tried using my house as a waiting room in between dropping kids (teens) off and waiting for his class or whatever it is he was doing to start with he got a short shrift. You need to be able to move on and enjoy your space and time you cannot do that with him lingering around like a bad smell. Its hard as you feel awful but set some boundaries for your own good

I know you are absolutely right.The only reason it hasn't happened is because of how poor my mental health has been.At some points i've even been suicidal( family and gp etc aware)and when you are battling dark thoughts it is hard to think straight.

OP posts:
D0g · 22/04/2025 16:55

@Etoile1 I am sorry my post came across as quite blunt and I didn’t intend for that either. My mental health was and probably still is poor I was recovering (still am) from a traumatic brain injury but we had been together since I was 17 so it took me a minute to think hang on a minute. Fairly sure i told him to knock etc rather than just walking in. Partly habit I guess. But if your mental health is bad it seems as though your ex is using that to his advantage?

Original poster
Etoile1 · 22/04/2025 16:59

D0g · 22/04/2025 16:55

@Etoile1 I am sorry my post came across as quite blunt and I didn’t intend for that either. My mental health was and probably still is poor I was recovering (still am) from a traumatic brain injury but we had been together since I was 17 so it took me a minute to think hang on a minute. Fairly sure i told him to knock etc rather than just walking in. Partly habit I guess. But if your mental health is bad it seems as though your ex is using that to his advantage?

Thats okay its fine,yes he is very keen to offer support etc.I have had days where I couldn't get off the sofa, really in a crisis rather than just finding things hard.In those moments he has said he loves me etc and hugs me.It is just a massive head fuck, even tho the relationship was abusive I have this deep attachment and when you don't feel safe with mental health you are vulnerable.

OP posts:
Original poster
Etoile1 · 22/04/2025 17:00

D0g · 22/04/2025 16:55

@Etoile1 I am sorry my post came across as quite blunt and I didn’t intend for that either. My mental health was and probably still is poor I was recovering (still am) from a traumatic brain injury but we had been together since I was 17 so it took me a minute to think hang on a minute. Fairly sure i told him to knock etc rather than just walking in. Partly habit I guess. But if your mental health is bad it seems as though your ex is using that to his advantage?

Also sorry to hear about your situation too, mental health struggle is the worst xx

OP posts:
PeggyMitchellsCameo · 22/04/2025 20:16

Look up trauma bonds. You are still attached to, and dependant on, the person who was abusing you.
He is still in control - he gets to be in the family home when he wants to, he gets to play with your emotions, and then goes home to fresh prey. Goodness only knows what narrative he’s fed her, but it won’t be the truth.
You will never get better while this is going on. I know your MH is poor, but it will not improve whilst this man, who abused you, is in and out of your home like this.
If he loved you, OP, he would actually leave you alone. He would let you heal.
But a man who loved his wife would not have filmed her without consent. That is below contempt.
Only you can act. I know it’s hard, but you can’t waste your precious life like this. And don’t take any shit about him calling in ‘for the kids’ because it’s about him.
They will get used to a new routine.
I pity this new woman she will have no idea he’s a deviant, but it’s not your job to warn her.
If you can access therapy, do, even if you have to wait for it.
He is lucky he’s not in prison.
You need to get him out of your home. You need to ensure he had the children as per arrangements. Contact with him needs to be at a minimum.
You are waiting for him to come back, to soothe you, to tell you it didn’t happen. It did happen. Victims of abuse often do this, it’s nothing to be ashamed of.
You have done nothing wrong other than trust a man who has no decency.

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 22/04/2025 20:26

Just looked through your previous post.
You did the right thing divorcing him, he sounds unhinged.
You had the strength to do that, that strength is still in you.
You deserve better.

Original poster
Etoile1 · 22/04/2025 20:51

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 22/04/2025 20:16

Look up trauma bonds. You are still attached to, and dependant on, the person who was abusing you.
He is still in control - he gets to be in the family home when he wants to, he gets to play with your emotions, and then goes home to fresh prey. Goodness only knows what narrative he’s fed her, but it won’t be the truth.
You will never get better while this is going on. I know your MH is poor, but it will not improve whilst this man, who abused you, is in and out of your home like this.
If he loved you, OP, he would actually leave you alone. He would let you heal.
But a man who loved his wife would not have filmed her without consent. That is below contempt.
Only you can act. I know it’s hard, but you can’t waste your precious life like this. And don’t take any shit about him calling in ‘for the kids’ because it’s about him.
They will get used to a new routine.
I pity this new woman she will have no idea he’s a deviant, but it’s not your job to warn her.
If you can access therapy, do, even if you have to wait for it.
He is lucky he’s not in prison.
You need to get him out of your home. You need to ensure he had the children as per arrangements. Contact with him needs to be at a minimum.
You are waiting for him to come back, to soothe you, to tell you it didn’t happen. It did happen. Victims of abuse often do this, it’s nothing to be ashamed of.
You have done nothing wrong other than trust a man who has no decency.

Edited

Thankyou for this,you are right,I need to break the cycle

OP posts:
Original poster
Etoile1 · 22/04/2025 20:52

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 22/04/2025 20:26

Just looked through your previous post.
You did the right thing divorcing him, he sounds unhinged.
You had the strength to do that, that strength is still in you.
You deserve better.

Thankyou, I still re read it to reassure myself

OP posts:
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