Can’t stand my husbands touch…

[3littlepearls]

I’ve asked my husband to separate. I can’t bear his kiss or touch, I want to run screaming from it.

Has anyone else here felt that way and managed to work through and recover the marriage?

Has anyone felt that way and left the marriage and what happened next? Was it the right thing?

For context there are 3 children involved. He absolutely wants to fight for the marriage. We have been together 15yrs. We separated for 2yrs but have been trying again for the last 18mths. We are very different people in many ways and I don’t feel intellectually, emotionally, spiritually or physically connected to him in. He has matured following the separation and does more around the house now but of course it’s no where near equal. He adds to my load and I end up resenting him for it. He doesn’t drive, can’t plan a day out, doesn’t seem to have any drive, motivation or ambition beyond ‘I just want to be a loyal, devoted and supportive husband’. Why is that not enough for me?

I would be so grateful for any shared experience or insight on this topic.

Why did you get back together?
whats stopping you from leaving for good?

Sounds very familiar.

I left my exH when I had 3 very young DCs. I’d been unhappy for a long time, we’d talked and talked and talked about what needed to change to fix it and nothing changed.
I remember clear as a bell one day, he put his hand on my lower back as he was reaching for something in the kitchen and it made me cringe. I physically recoiled from it. That made it abundantly clear that my marriage was dead.
That afternoon I plucked up the courage to actually say it out loud. That night we separated bedrooms and the DCs and I moved out 3 months later.

We had sex. He sort of crowbarred his way into trying again after that. Struggled to leave the house or accept it was just sex. I felt like I should give it another go. He got unwell and had emergency surgery about 12mths ago. The sort of threw us back together in a way I was absolutely not ready for. He ended up moved in here because he needed care. Lost his job and became financially dependent for a time. It’s been a lot! I’ve asked for the separation but he is really struggling with that and fighting hard against it.

Same story! Years of conversations about working on things and things getting better. At what point do we accept it’s not going to change and move on. Could I really spend the next 15yrs doing the same… the prospect feels soul destroying. Are you happy now? Did you feel better for ending it is the million dollar question?

Why are you asking for tips on how to stay with someone you want to run screaming from? You say you've got absolutely nothing in common. That's not going to change so I would get some advice regarding divorce.

It feels complicated. 15yrs and 3 children. He doesn’t want to let go, he wants to fight for it. I care about him very much, I don’t hate him. We have shared so much of our life together. Long relationships have ups and downs, they do need working at and feelings can change.

I’ve never had this physical aversion that I have now. I’d like to hear from women who have experienced this in a marriage how they handled it.

A divorce would be straightforward. There are no shared assets. Divorce isn’t the issue here.

I hope it works out for you.

Thanks Maitri108 😔 It’s just such a lot to process and such a big decision one way or the other. Xx

I could’ve written this, I’m also in the same situation. I’ve no advice unfortunately but do know what you’re going through

Would it be worth having an agreed period where you still live together but more as friends than husband/wife (amd you dont have to touch him or sleep in the same room) and get some counselling in the meantime? Then at least if it doesn't work out you'll know you tried everything.

I felt this. I think I lost respect for my partner when he didn’t respond reasonably to me asking for various things including a fair split of housework. I cant fancy someone I don’t feel respect for.

It’s probably worth outlining to him the things that might make a difference. If he learns to drive, you might feel more respect/appreciation and more attraction might follow, or if not at least he’s got a handy new skill.

But I think you need to be very careful how these things are communicated. I am very bad at getting things across in a way that promotes the response I would like. Maybe counselling together or separately could be worth a try.

Maybe trying to get some things elsewhere- adventures with friends etc- no-one is everything, maybe exciting/driven/ambitious and reliable/devoted aren’t the same person (a few Mumsnet wonderhusbands excepted). But if he loves you as the motivated/ambitious person you presumably are, he needs to at least be supportive to that not stand in your way.

So yes I don’t have a happy ending story for you but with hindsight I can see that I would have needed to find things to respect and admire about my partner for that ick to have a chance of shifting. Good luck.

'Crowbarred his way back' in suggests a lack of respect for you and your decisions. He's guilt tripped his way back in by the sounds of it, not a mutual decision.

I would think your body's response to him says it all and to listen. Is this your gut response?

Is there a coercive element to your relationship? If so I'd strongly suggest reading some books and/or finding a local freedom programme to educate yourself as much as possible. He may have used a multitude of tactics to get you back and keep you in the relationship.

Less complicated situation than yours but I left a 5 year marriage with 1 dc and am absolutely happier for it. There was an element of coercive control which I didn't realise until after leaving. I can now make my own decisions without worry about what someone's going to say, feel stronger in myself, a physical tension I didn't realise I was carrying has lifted. Dc is happier, I think picks up that I am more relaxed and I can follow my instincts as a mother.

Children pick up on these dynamics and are learning how couples act towards each other, creating norms for their future relationships.

What do you mean by ups and downs - healthy ups and downs or abuse?

This has turned into a bit of a ramble but hope something is useful in there! All the best.

Once you are repulsed by a partner's physical touch, the marriage is absolutely over.

The only times I've ever been physically repulsed by a partner, it's been too far gone to get back.

Of course he wants to fight for it, he gets more out of the relationship and family situation than you do.

You are having an involuntary visceral response to your husband. Everything about you finds him repulsive but you are trying to rationalise yourself into remaining in the relationship for altruistic reasons. It won't work. At best, all you feel for him is pity and a sense of obligation. That is no way to live.

I think our bodies tell us things that our brains are unable to completely process.

This happened to me after 13 years I describe it as I felt as though I was allergic to him! And yes found myself recoiling from physical touch. I left and don’t regret it and we’ve managed to maintain a friendship which is great as I do have a lot of lovely memories and am very fond of him but he deserves to be with someone who wants that physical connection. It might be perimonpause although I did go on HRT which helped with sleep/anxiety but not that side of things. Have had a very intense physical relationship since though so I think the relationship had just run it’s course and we wanted different things etc. Not an easy thing to deal with and harder if you have kids together . Sending you a big hug x

By the time my ex fiance became revolting he had been abusing me for some time. But even if he hadn't he was not a nice person and he did not contribute to the relationship, chores, domestic labor, pets, emotionally or financially. I am still repulsed but the thought of him.

Poor bloke. I'm assuming he was all these things before you married him?

Yes I think so too.

Mine was a 15 year abusive relationship - not initially although there were some red flags. The last two years together were the worst and I didn't listen to what my body was telling me. Like you, the very thought of him touching me or kissing me was repulsive. I know what a terrible thing that is to say about someone you love (?) and care about and I carried so much guilt for that.
Sex was probably the very first indicator that things were not good between us. But then he was a sex pest too - no regard for my feelings or if I wanted to even have sex at that particular time - he saw it as a right. So of course my body said 'NO' although I would do it now and then to shut him up and stop him from being cruel to me.
But I so remember those times of feeling such repulsion to be near him - but my reason was because he was abusive and yes, I had lost any respect for him.

"Foreplay is everything that happens that day" is one of my favourite quotes (Paloma Faith, I think). We need to feel safe, treasured, loved, cared for before we can get naked and share our most vulnerable selves with anyone.

Good luck with everything anyway - I'm five months out now and love getting dressed with my door unlocked, having a bath without making sure he was out of the house first, bending over to get something from the cupboard, sleeping in the nude rather than an all in one, zipped to the neck adult romper suit and feeling sick at being grabbed by some pubescent man child that had no respect for my feelings, wants or needs.

There's no coming back when you feel sickened by his touch OP. If assets are not a problem then separate and co parent as well as you can. You can even stay friends if you can navigate that respectfully, but there's no future in your relationship as a couple.

In my opinion and experience, what you are feeling so strongly is the result of resentments that have never been properly dealt with and put to bed.

I've said it before on here...resentment kills marriages.