Sister’s reaction to my baby

[sister25]

Regular MNer but have namechanged as a bit outing.

I had DS 4 months ago, first of my siblings to have a baby. My sister is 25, has never liked or wanted children. Our Dad died last year, but I’ve kept a close relationship with my Stepmum (sister’s Mum) and see her regularly and consider her to be my DS’ grandma.

My sister has met my DS twice (SM sees him at least weekly), sister is always invited to my house but never wants to come, and hides upstairs when we visit my SM and won’t come down, occasionally see her if she comes to the kitchen or if I meet her on the landing when I go to the loo. We went round today for a roast and stayed for 7ish hours and she didn’t come downstairs once, not even to say bye as we were leaving. She sent me a text when I was on my way home saying that she was ‘sorry for her baby fear’. We used to be in frequent contact but she doesn’t text me at all anymore since I had DS. Any messages I send asking how she is go unanswered, and I only find out what’s happening in her life from my SM or brother.

The bit that really gets up my nose is that she will post photos of my DS copied from the family group chat on her bloody social media crowing about him, but won’t even ask after him or be in the same room as him. I don’t want her to feel uncomfortable but I also don’t want to have to hide my DS from his family because my sister doesn’t want to be around him. I’m more than happy to only have my Stepmum and brother visit me at my house, but it would mean I see less of my brother due to his shifts and the evening classes he takes, and he dotes on DS and wants to see as much of him as he can.

I’m just venting a bit but I’m so sad that my sister has made herself a stranger to my DS 😪 my Stepmum feels terrible about it but is in such a difficult position as my sister is her biological DD, although I’m almost certain she had strong words with her when we left today.

What can I do? Should I just not go there anymore with DS, even though it’s full of memories of my Dad, or continue as we are and my sister can just sit upstairs if she wants? She doesn’t live there anymore either, moved out a month or so ago but was meant to be there today for ‘family dinner’! Just feeling a bit sad.

OP I'd like to send you a virtual hug & suggest you carry on doing what works for you, your baby, Stepmum & brother.
Your sister has the issue and it's up to her to seek independent help. I'd let your SM & brother encourage that and stay out of it.
(But tell sister, "no more use of DS photos thank you").

Baby fear is real, I used to dread someone passing me the baby. Like wtf do I do with it?? I've never found them cute, adorable etc. Older kids are much better.

I think she will change and get more involved he gets older and she gets more mature

I wouldn’t expect her to hold him or interact with him in any way if she doesn’t want to! But to pretend we just don’t exist is so upsetting 😪

She can’t stand older kids either, actively avoids children at all costs (family weddings have always been a nightmare) so I can’t see it getting any better.

My Stepmum just texted me to apologise on my sister’s behalf and to say that my sister is going to ring me tomorrow, so I’m interested to hear what she has to say!

What ridiculous behaviour. She is making more of a fuss hiding away than just getting on with family meals and saying no thank you if anyone offers baby to hold. Is she used to being centre of attention? How stupid to go round at all when she doesn't even live there, when she knows you're going too.
Whatever excuses there are in this phone call, definitely insist on no more photo sharing. That should be parents choice only, even if she was the best auntie ever!

She sounds mentally unwell.

My young adult stepson does this to his new baby sister and calls it 'baby fear' !

It's extremely hurtful and unnecessary. I just bluntly told him that it was causing alot of upset and the baby doesn't understand why he won't speak to her. He makes more of an effort now.

Not sure if it's some kind of trend but it's so weird.

Do not stop going to your lovely stepmum as that will only upset you both. Tell them both how much it's upsetting you.

How strange, especially that she doesn’t live with her mum anymore.
First thought is your stepmum inviting her round at the same time as you are planning to be there in the hopes of forcing her to interact with you and your child, if so she needs to stop that as it’s not helping. If this were the case I would have expected your step sister to just leave rather than hide away upstairs though.
Second thought is that if she’s coming when she knows you are going to be there then she’s doing it to make a point, otherwise she could visit her mum at any other time and avoid you and the baby quite easily without making a fuss.
So it’s performative avoidance spending 7 daytime hrs in a bedroom in a house you no longer live in is extreme , does she feel insecure that you are getting more attention from her mum and wants her mum to reassure her that she is the special one / the real daughter? Has she regretted moving out and really wants to move back home? Is it attention seeking does she want to be able to say to friends or post on SM that her “ baby fear” is so extreme that she cannot even be in the room with a baby and so has to hide away upstairs in her own mum’s house and not even be able to go downstairs for something to eat.
I would encourage your stepmum to speak to her and find out if there is anything underlying this behaviour rather than trying to coerce her into socialising with you and your baby.

That would upset me too op, what is she playing at?! She could just ignore the baby a bit/politely decline interactions, but no, she's got to draw attention to herself, and the baby, and upset her whole family.

I think the only thing to do here is to ignore her completely. Let your SM off the hook, tell her that whatever invites or conversations she shares with her DD are up to her but not to do it on your behalf, you don't want to continue playing a part in this upsetting dynamic, you just want to spend time with her and sister can suit herself. Then follow that through, don't waste any more energy discussing or trying to appease someone who seems to thrive on attention - cut the source of attention off.

Just wondering OP, has she had an abortion? Or a miscarriage? I know she says she doesn’t want or like kids but could this be something she says as a way of dealing with some kind of trauma?

I am reading this and thinking that it sounds like trauma. Possibly something from her own childhood.

I'm wondering whether as well as her irrational fear and dislike of children, there is some monumental jealousy going on here. You have provided her mother with something she knows she won't be able to do herself - a grandchild. You have stolen her thunder.

She sounds super rude and a bit attention seeking. Does she want everyone to flock upstairs and beg her to come down and say hello to family. I would probably ignore her, don’t give her any energy, when you visit their house I’d just walk in as usual and don’t ask where she is etc. I’d send any baby photos to your SM directly and not in the chat so she can’t play the fun aunty on social media.

Thanks all for replies. To answer some questions:

• Definitely never had an abortion or miscarriage, and I know people will ask ‘but how can you be sure’…I am 110% sure. She’s always just really hated children. She had a very happy, normal and uneventful childhood.

• She knew we would be there so could have chosen not to come, but she came just to hide upstairs and almost make me feel guilty for being there.

• She’s always enjoyed being the centre of attention but only as the victim if that makes sense; she will usually engineer a situation where she can make a fuss and then complain that ‘everyone hates her’ and everyone will rush to reassure her.

I think it does all boil down to jealousy, and that there’s someone new in the family that people want to see and spend time with, and she doesn’t like it 😫