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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

In laws moan

26 replies

YorkshireMum28 · 21/04/2025 21:34

We meet up with the in laws every 2-3 weeks for a few hours. I don’t like spending time with them. They’re not very nice people. One topic of conversation this weekend was everyone laughing at SIL disabled ex. When they first got together his disability was endearing to them, he was brave etc. now they’re not together his disability is the butt of their jokes. It’s disgusting. They haven’t been together years, she moves in with her new fella next month and gets married next year so unsure why none of them have moved on yet. I’d met him many times. He wasn’t a bad person and they split up because it just didn’t work out, they had no kids or ties together. My aunt has the same disability and I feel physically sick listening to them. I don’t want my children anywhere near them. DH was uncomfortable but he’ll never say anything. I was uncomfortable too but I sit as far away as possible and hyper focus on the kids for a few hours so I don’t have to converse.

Not really sure what I’m looking for posting this. Should I say something? Should I stop going? I go for DH as it makes him happy. Anyone been in a similar boat?

OP posts:
SmugglersHaunt · 21/04/2025 21:36

They sound vile. What does your DH say? He should talk to them (and not use you as a shield/excuse)

Brefugee · 21/04/2025 21:39

I would tell them how disgusting they are and not bother visiting again. Does yur DH join in? I'd be considering my marriage if my DH was vile about anyone like this.

CodandChipz · 21/04/2025 21:45

Yes, I’d stop going. Let DH take the children on his own.

stripedrollerskates · 21/04/2025 21:45

CodandChipz · 21/04/2025 21:45

Yes, I’d stop going. Let DH take the children on his own.

Why would OP want her children around these vile people?

Original poster
YorkshireMum28 · 22/04/2025 08:20

DH doesn’t join in. He is visibly uncomfortable and either changes the subject or ignores them and distracts himself with DC.

OP posts:
Brefugee · 22/04/2025 11:09

YorkshireMum28 · 22/04/2025 08:20

DH doesn’t join in. He is visibly uncomfortable and either changes the subject or ignores them and distracts himself with DC.

Yell him unless he has your back and says something you will not be going again and they are not welcome in your house.

Darkambergingerlily · 22/04/2025 11:11

Personally I wouldn’t have any issue loudly saying how awful that you are being so disrespectful to someone with a disability, the way you are all talking about them is disgusting.

SeventeenClovesOfGarlic · 22/04/2025 11:16

He's happy for your kids to sit and listen to these vile people? He needs to find a therapist who deal with people who have toxic relatives.
You and your kids appeasing him isn't the solution.
Does he not want to make you happy by not inflicting his awful relatives on you?

GoodCharl · 22/04/2025 11:36

I would say about your aunt and also how vile it is that they use this poor man’s disability as their joke. What it must say about them. Then go no contact. You or kids do not need to be around people like this.

Mischance · 22/04/2025 11:39

It is important that your children hear from you how totally inappropriate this sort of talk is about a disability.
They sound grim.

Eggsboxedandmelting · 22/04/2025 11:39

You need to say your relative has the same disability.. But then likely they will find someone else to bully. Your dc do not need family like them.
Ask dh why he is such a sap... My respect for him would plummet if he just sat there..

Original poster
YorkshireMum28 · 22/04/2025 14:29

Have spoken to DH about them today and said I won’t be seeing them anymore, if he wants to he can and I’m still undecided whether to let DC go with him in future.

He said they’re not like that when we see them on their own. True, they know we wouldn’t entertain it that’s why, but when PIL and both SIL are all together they’re all the same.

Would raise questions only seeing them individually and not as a group. They’ll definitely ask why we don’t come to anything anymore. I’m not bothered for either as they’re not my family. Where do we go from here? Be truthful or just give an excuse every time we’re invited to a ‘group’ meet. If it was up to me we wouldn’t see them at all

OP posts:
Eggsboxedandmelting · 22/04/2025 16:05

Just be honest and say their topics of conversation aren't family friendly...
Or add on they are cunts but maybe not....

SeventeenClovesOfGarlic · 22/04/2025 16:46

Your husband should tell them that you (plural) obviously can't have your kids around such vile conversations, and that neither of you find it appealing either.

Not sure why he hasn't done this within seconds of the first slurs.

Jasmin71 · 22/04/2025 16:48

I would be really honest with them and say that you can't tolerate their bullying of a disabled former family member. I would also point out that to do so in front of children is disgusting and tell them that if they can't moderate their conversations you won't be seeing them again. I am sorry but they sound absolutely awful.

Maybe they need just one person to point out to them how thoroughly hateful their behaviour is. They might not be used to, or happy to be challenged but it needs doing, preferably by your husband.

Tassys · 23/04/2025 01:08

Awful toxic people.
Stay away and keep your children away too.
How utterly vile they are.

DogeCon · 23/04/2025 04:24

YorkshireMum28 · 21/04/2025 21:34

We meet up with the in laws every 2-3 weeks for a few hours. I don’t like spending time with them. They’re not very nice people. One topic of conversation this weekend was everyone laughing at SIL disabled ex. When they first got together his disability was endearing to them, he was brave etc. now they’re not together his disability is the butt of their jokes. It’s disgusting. They haven’t been together years, she moves in with her new fella next month and gets married next year so unsure why none of them have moved on yet. I’d met him many times. He wasn’t a bad person and they split up because it just didn’t work out, they had no kids or ties together. My aunt has the same disability and I feel physically sick listening to them. I don’t want my children anywhere near them. DH was uncomfortable but he’ll never say anything. I was uncomfortable too but I sit as far away as possible and hyper focus on the kids for a few hours so I don’t have to converse.

Not really sure what I’m looking for posting this. Should I say something? Should I stop going? I go for DH as it makes him happy. Anyone been in a similar boat?

So you let a disabled man be mocked in your presence and you said nothing, you went along with it?

I think you and your husband need to grow a backbone and stop being cowards. Speak up for gods sake!

Kisskiss · 23/04/2025 04:35

YorkshireMum28 · 22/04/2025 08:20

DH doesn’t join in. He is visibly uncomfortable and either changes the subject or ignores them and distracts himself with DC.

I think either you or him should speak up and calmly say why their behaviour is bothering you.

They should respect you enough to apologise and stop. If they don’t then, do whatever you want as they clearly don’t respect you or your family and are also assholes. But try the non nuclear option first

LBFseBrom · 23/04/2025 04:44

YorkshireMum28 · 22/04/2025 08:20

DH doesn’t join in. He is visibly uncomfortable and either changes the subject or ignores them and distracts himself with DC.

That's good. I think I would say something to them, gently, such as the poor chap cannot help being disabled, it's not kind to mock people with disabilities, try walking in his shoes, or similar. Remind them that your aunt has a similar health issue, emphasise that they once admired him and he is still the same person even if not with their daughter any more.

Also say you want your children to have a positive attitude towards others and not find disability funny. The only people who can (and do), legitimately make fun of disability are the dissabled.

They sound like the sort of people who say whatever comes into their heads without any filter. My mother could be like that. If nobody challenges them they will go on doing it, they need to be made to think with more depth. However most people are not like that all the time.

Brefugee · 23/04/2025 10:24

be truthful about why you won't be seeing them together but PILs alone is ok.

Hold the line. And tbh i would also be saying that as long as they continue their vile ableism, your DCs aren't having contact with SIL either.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/04/2025 10:28

If they are too toxic for you to deal with, it is the same deal for your kids too. Keep them away from all those who mock disabled people.

Your H is mired in fear, obligation and guilt and his inertia when it comes to his family hurts him as much as you. He still seeks their approval, approval they will never give him.

MrsKeats · 23/04/2025 15:50

Darkambergingerlily · 22/04/2025 11:11

Personally I wouldn’t have any issue loudly saying how awful that you are being so disrespectful to someone with a disability, the way you are all talking about them is disgusting.

Neither would I.
But I’m a stroppy mare.
I wouldn’t be going again and certainly wouldn’t allow my kids around such vile people.

OldCottageGreenhouse · 23/04/2025 16:04

Your DH is a massive dick for not saying anything, knowing that you have a relative with the same disability.

Original poster
YorkshireMum28 · 23/04/2025 19:50

Thank you all for your comments. There have been many things said & done over the years and we’ve had periods of no contact from their side before as ‘punishment’ from them for calling out other things and so I’m always questioning myself …is it me…am I too sensitive.

In response to some commenters, I should have said something, I know I should have. When there’s 6 of them and 1 of me it can be quite intimidating. I also got a belt as a child if I dared speak my mind or speak up so I usually just freeze in these situations, they catch me off guard. I’m much more confident than I was say ten years ago but I still have a way to go. I do however have many conversations (with myself) after in the shower or whilst washing up on what I should have said. Too late now but some great lines from you all for me to rehearse should I be in that situation again.

OP posts:
Tassys · 23/04/2025 21:38

OP, many won't agree with me but don't feel obligated to educate or argue with people.

I can understand that you don't want to get into it.
You can stop contact and avoid them.
Keep them away from your child.
Children are like sponges.

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