Mental abuse or am I being dramatic?

[Coffee4life]

I absolutely hate that I’ve got to this point. However I am so confused and I just don’t know what to do anymore. I have 3 beautiful children, from 14 months too 13. I’ve moved 40 minutes from my family in with my partner of 5 years who I love.

I’ve lost count of the times he has gotten drunk and returned home and spoke to me like absolute sh*t. This weekend was the first time I actually felt worthless and like he meant every word he said to me. We were on a family break and the kids also heard what he said as it wasn’t a big house. This is the first time he’s done this in ear shot of them. Which makes this so much harder, I would never ever want my daughter thinking any man can speak to her how he spoke to me that night.

‘I’m leaving you and leaving you with nothing’ ‘you’re a horrible person and you pretend you’re not but I know the truth about you’
‘I can’t wait to rid of you’
‘I’m taking the car because it’s in my name and you won’t have anything’

After I walked away and got the kids to bed, I actually wrote down what he said in my notes because I feel sometimes I forget and then I convince myself I’ve dramatised it all.

I have no personal savings, my kids are settled here, what on earth do I do? We have a lovely home and I wouldn’t want to take them away from any of this. Any advice would be nice, since this weekend I feel like I can feel my heart beating out of my chest, assuming it’s anxiety. So I put a brave face on this and endure it? He was apologetic as he normally is following day, however this time I actually feel sick to my stomach about the whole thing.

You know what you have to do OP, get out. As you say, you would never want your daughter growing up believing that this is what love looks like.

You can't stay with an abusive drunk as you need to protect your children. Are you sure your 13 year old has never witnessed him being drunk and abusive?

Contact a domestic abuse organisation and get advice on how to leave.

A home isn’t lovely with an abusive male in it. I’m really sorry but the bits you think make staying worthwhile are completely undermined by his behaviour. You would, I promise, all be better off without him as awful as I know that must feel .

Obviously you should leave, but I know it's never that straightforward. I'm only saying this because no one here can make you leave and therefore there's a chance that you won't (even though you 100% should) - next time this happens covertly have a phone or something set up to record him, so that you can actually play it back to him the next day, so he can really hear himself. Maybe it'll shock him into stopping the drink. He should be agreeing to stop drinking, and getting support with that (AA etc). Remember that however nice your home is, nothing can compensate for your kids hearing you be abused like that.

It's not mental abuse, it's abuse full stop. He's an alcoholic, and you can't change it. He can, but only if he wants to. What does he say about his behaviour when he sobers up? Does he even remember what he's said? Regardless, you should probably get out now, before things turn physical.

You are not being dramatic, this is abuse plain and simple. Apart from the abhorrent drunken outbursts, he has isolated you from family and you don’t appear to have any money of your own. Why don’t you have your own finances?
Are you married? Either way I would get some legal advice quickly and get out: this kind of behaviour only gets worse, never better, as the abuser works out that they can keep on pushing boundaries and you will keep taking it.
How appalling that your children are now witnesses to this. You know what you need to do.

You should probably just leave now as he shouldn't be ever talking to you like that, let alone onmany occasions.

If he was very drunk, I'd show him the notes and tell him this is what he said to you and no one deserves to be talked to like that. If he blames the drink (which he will), tell him he knows the drink makes him say those things to you yet he chooses to drink knowing he might/ will say those things to you. He is making a choice every time.

Ask the prick why he thinks his daughter should hear him talking like that and what sort of life he is setting her up for, then ask him to leave until he’s sober and in a programme at least.

OP you already know the answer, I know you do because I've been where you are with a unpredictable male in the house. Once it starts affecting the children you'll find it just kills any love you have for him. I did for me anyway.
Is suggest getting some advice from a domestic abuse charity, they can support you to get free and start again. It's so daunting but it can be done. I am about 5 months free now and honestly this is the hardest time I'm finding as the bad times seem further away and then all the good times we had flood in and make me worried I made a mistake. My heart knows i didn't. Moving on is tough but we deserve better!
Leave and no matter how hard it gets remember to ask yourself 'if my daughter was married/with him what would I tell her to do',

You don’t have a lovely home as you’re living with an abusive drunk. You say you don’t want to take that away from your DC but what would they be losing? A childhood ruined by living with a nasty bastard under there roof abusing and bullying their mum - you really think living in a smaller home is worse than an abusive one?

You know you need to kick him out. If you can’t do it for yourself then do it for your kids future.

What good are his apologies if he keeps repeating the behaviour?

They're meaningless and hollow, while he still drinks. He actively gives himself permission to abuse you every time he picks up the bottle.

While you may be providing a nice home in material terms, growing up with an abusive drunk in the home is not in the best interests of your dc.