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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

For rethinking getting back together

3 replies

Raynaodld · 21/04/2025 16:22

So recently me and my partner separated. We have kids and admittedly don’t put any time into our relationship. It had grew real sour and personally I was having trouble coping with our lifestyle. I went through a mental health crisis recently which landed me in the hospital for a couple days ( a lot of things happening at once mixed with never getting any time to myself.) DH was there for me but we both decided the relationship wasn’t doing any of our mental states any favours. He has a very demanding career. Truth is I rely on him so much and have been with him for so long I didn’t quite know what life would look like without him but I was excited. Due to his career I could never have time to meet with girlfriends, he stopped spending any time with me, sharing a bed or even talking to me & I had gained so much weight due to never getting out the house. He would make me feel bad or we would fight every time I went out. He doesn’t allow me to go on night outs or to concerts or anything event where men could be present. Since my low point, I’ve been going to the gym, talking to family again (which I haven’t done in years), planning trips. His also been planning holidays and talking about going to the gym and therapy. I want that for him. For two weeks while we were separated he checked in on me, gave me a substantial amount of money, spent time with me again and treated me like a queen. I was swept off my feet like I once was when we met. He then suggested that us separating was stupid and asked to get back together and repair what went wrong, plus start a business together and buy a cat. He apologised for always criticising and being mean to me, part of which led to my low point as he would often make me feel horrible about myself. He promised to change and go to therapy so I took him back. I told him about my gym goals and at first he seemed happy. But a week later, I am back stressed with the kids doing it all by myself (which is fine he has to work.) But when I ask for 30 minutes for the gym and him watch the kids, he puts it off until the time has passed. When we was apart he said it was never a problem me taking time to myself but his not actioning that. He is back to making all the decisions in “our” so called business plan. I can’t help but wonder if I’m making the wrong call. I still love him so much and I admit my mental state could be clouding my judgement. I definitely seen him in a better light when we was broken up.

OP posts:
Maitri108 · 21/04/2025 16:28

He's very controlling and abusive and he's being nice to suck you back in.

Your self esteem is so low because you've been living with someone who constantly chips away at you and has completely isolated you. Therefore you never hear an alternative point of view.

Your mental ill health is s due to living with an abuser and being cut off from your support network.

Silverfoxlady · 21/04/2025 16:43

It sounds like your life would be so much better without him. Don’t let him suck you back in again - things wont change, no matter how many times he promises it will. Look at his actions.

You should have stayed separated and not allowed yourself to be manipulated by him. Be happy going out, enjoying your life and seeing your family again.

TwistedWonder · 21/04/2025 16:44

First post nails it. He’s a manipulative controlling abuser who reeled you back in because he needs you to be where he wants you to be.

He won’t charge, this is who he is.

Do you really a life being completely controlled and unable to do anything without his permission? Because if you stay with him that’s what you’ll be settling for.

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