Better relationship with adult child

[Anon247]

I have a 25 year old still living at home. Everything is fine if things go as she wishes. If I ask her to do anything not on her agenda or at a time of my choice, her whole attitude changes and speaks to me with contempt. More so if I disagree with her. We have sat down to chat about this numerous times. I tell her that I do not deserve to be treated like this and she says she sees my comments as criticisms or requests as commanding/ demanding. I do 95% of the household chores and I have only asked for help occasionally. Our chats always end well and then she is nice for the rest of the day. The next day, we are back to square one.

I have always been a happy person, but in recent days, I have waves of sadness when she comes home and wonder what my life would be like if I never had my child. I don’t want to feel like this but I don’t know how to deal with this anymore.

Is it just the two of you there? I would say I was going to downsize and use that as a way of getting her to leave home, OP. You deserve your own space and she needs to grow up and fend for herself.

She’s just been there too long. You both need to move onto the next stage - seeing each other socially, not all day every day. Easier said than done these days! But honestly, I think your relationship will improve, this sounds situational.

I don’t have adult children, but I wonder how firm you are with her? I know my parents would have had no truck with this and I wouldn’t have dared behave in such a way towards them. Maybe it’s time to turn off the financial support tap.

@Anon247 - I think a change to your vocabulary might be useful. You say “help” which suggests this is your job and if she does anything she’s doing you a favour. But that’s wrong - she is a joint member of your household and there are certain responsibilities that come with that. So perhaps next time talk about division of household chores, not helping.

Also - you say you don’t deserve to be treated the way she’s treating you. But that implies there may be circumstances where people do deserve her bad treatment. Also her poor behaviour is bad for her, too. It might help just to be clear that her behaviour is unacceptable and she needs to start pulling her weight at home.

Does she pay board? If she doesn't I would start charging it to her and I would also stop doing anything for her (washing, cooking etc) until she starts respecting you

Firstly is she in a position to move out or planning to. ?

I found it easer if my dd had set jobs.

so dd would-

Clean the family bathroom
empty dishwasher on thursdays
cook on Tuesdays
empty upstairs bins once a week

She was also responsible for her bedroom and laundry.

That way there was no asking/reminding. She also paid board (1/6 of her wage) Bought her own toiletries, alcohol and snacks.

It is reasonable to expect a healthy adult son or daughter to do a good percentage of the household jobs. You could tell DD seriously that her treating you like staff rather than another adult sharing the home, is harming your relationship. Also that she will need to move out if she really feels she can't share the work with you for some reason (maybe she feels she is too busy, or it's beneath her, or it feels like being bossed around, or whatever).
You've already said you don't deserve to be treated like this; I wouldn't say it again. Just say that her living with you comes with conditions, not because you don't love her or want to control her, but because you're worried about the effect of living in a stressful environment will have on each of you and on your relationship going forward.

Everything is fine if things go as she wishes. If I ask her to do anything not on her agenda or at a time of my choice, her whole attitude changes and speaks to me with contempt.

You say that everything is fine if things go as she wishes, but it seems that goes both ways. You ask her to do something but then she doesn't do it when you want her to do it. So everything is also fine if things go as you wish? She is 25 not a teenager and maybe she feels like you are ordering her about and treating her like one instead of asking her to do something and then letting her do it when she wants to and can fit it into her life?

Try sitting down to chat again and speak to her like an equal and not a child and you may find she responds better to you.