Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Advice needed. Affair / separation?

8 replies

Mumoftwojune · 21/04/2025 10:47

Married for 12 years, two children (11 & 8)
early relationship was quite whirlwind, we were married and pregnant all within about 18 months.

Ups and downs in the early months, would end up in huge arguments, a couple of instances of physical aggression on me from DH. Learnt those lessons, nothing since.
We were on and off in the first year and actually got pregnant during this time meaning we decided to get married and make a proper go of it.

fast forward 12 years and life has been good at times, but in equal measure miserable. Nothing major, just generally not getting on, being moody with each other, taking certain things out of context creating issues and atmosphere. This is more or less a constant cycle of being ok for a few weeks and then being miserable for a few weeks.

I have felt many times I am treading eggshells and have to pre empt moods, children’s behaviour to keep the peace in the house etc. DH would deny this and say it’s me deciding things without justification.

Anyway, I got involved with someone at work who showed me some attention. I felt at this point, if I took the opportunity to do something reckless it would take my future out of my hands and would be the catalyst I perhaps needed to finally leave the marriage. Warped, I know and totally wrong on all levels. It shouldn’t have happened but it has and I do feel guilty and regret I couldn’t find my balls without needing to do this.

I have ended up telling DH about my infidelity and he is devastated. He wants to make the marriage right and is being very attentive and suggesting ways we can work through things and have the life we should always have had. I am being realistic and am saying we should separate because if things were hard before they will be even worse now. He said he can get over my infidelity if I’m willing to have patience and reassurance.

I cannot imagine us being able to move past this and I cannot move past the way things have been historically. Each time something has happened I feel it’s dented us that bit more.

I don’t know what to do. I hate seeing DH hurting and feel like I’ve ruined his life. I feel guilty for my children. It’s all a big mess.

OP posts:
BillyBoe46 · 21/04/2025 10:57

Your relationship is over.instead of endiing things properly for whatever reason (fear, cowardice, ect,) you cheated to draw a line under it. You thought it would be relationship ending for him and you wanted him to be so disgusted with you that he didn't want you anymore. Well that backfired.

You need to be firm but resolute now. I don't want to be in this relationship. This relationship is over for me. I will be filing for divorce. How can we make this transition period as easy and pain-free for the kids as possible?

Then take control and file for divorce. Your done so be done.

Original poster
Mumoftwojune · 21/04/2025 10:59

Thank you for your reply, your explanation of my rationale is exactly right. Thank you.

OP posts:
theleafandnotthetree · 21/04/2025 11:10

I also had an affair towards the end of my marriage and my ex-husband did an about face in terms of his behaviour towards me, became all loving and attentive and managed to easily do things I'd had a problem with for years (e.g. get home from work at a reasonable hour). If anything, that cemented my resolve. He could have been a much better husband and father all along, he just chose not to be until faced with the prospect of losing me to another man. I was done and did counselling as a means of trying to manage the end of the relationship as well as could be expected (I told him this, that there wasn't any hope but he chose to believe otherwise). Once the penny finally dropped, he was vile in ways I wouldn't have anticipated and which to a point I understood given the sense of betrayal he felt. 10 years on he is still bitter and unhappy and blames me entirely - though we co-parent very amicably and well - and nothing I can say or do will change that so I don't try. I am mostly happy enough, single, independent and freed from the burden of an unhappy marriage. You don't realise how much of a burden it was until you're out of it.

BillyBoe46 · 21/04/2025 11:13

It's not easy. You said he's been physically aggressive in the past. Is he or has he been abusive in other ways? You need to be safe in ending the relationship but cheating and then telling him absolutely wasn't safe. Talk to woman's aid,if you need to plan an exit strategy, if you're worried about abuse. Talk to a solicitor.

Original poster
Mumoftwojune · 21/04/2025 12:43

theleafandnotthetree · 21/04/2025 11:10

I also had an affair towards the end of my marriage and my ex-husband did an about face in terms of his behaviour towards me, became all loving and attentive and managed to easily do things I'd had a problem with for years (e.g. get home from work at a reasonable hour). If anything, that cemented my resolve. He could have been a much better husband and father all along, he just chose not to be until faced with the prospect of losing me to another man. I was done and did counselling as a means of trying to manage the end of the relationship as well as could be expected (I told him this, that there wasn't any hope but he chose to believe otherwise). Once the penny finally dropped, he was vile in ways I wouldn't have anticipated and which to a point I understood given the sense of betrayal he felt. 10 years on he is still bitter and unhappy and blames me entirely - though we co-parent very amicably and well - and nothing I can say or do will change that so I don't try. I am mostly happy enough, single, independent and freed from the burden of an unhappy marriage. You don't realise how much of a burden it was until you're out of it.

Thank you for sharing your experience, it sounds very similar except for me it isn’t patterns or habits of behaviour that’s been the problem, it’s more just two people who seem to rub each other up the wrong way. I’ve lost count of the number of times we have talked about separating over the years but I think he just always took for granted that I would stay.

I just think it’s very hard now trying to reconcile with myself the feeling of being solely responsible for his happiness or demise. But as in your experience if he wants to hold onto that and be unhappy then there’s maybe not much I can do anyway.

I hope like you, we can at least co parent well for the sake of our children.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumoftwojune · 21/04/2025 12:46

BillyBoe46 · 21/04/2025 11:13

It's not easy. You said he's been physically aggressive in the past. Is he or has he been abusive in other ways? You need to be safe in ending the relationship but cheating and then telling him absolutely wasn't safe. Talk to woman's aid,if you need to plan an exit strategy, if you're worried about abuse. Talk to a solicitor.

Those instances happened about twice very early on and haven’t happened since. On occasion he has used grotesque language towards me such as C*, which I know it’s just a word but its always made me so angry.

I certainly don’t think he is a risk to me physically. He hasn’t displayed anything to suggest that and I can’t see it but I will bear it in mind as I guess anything is possible in times of heightened emotion.

thanks for the advice.

OP posts:
Bethknee · 21/04/2025 12:58

Mumoftwojune · 21/04/2025 12:46

Those instances happened about twice very early on and haven’t happened since. On occasion he has used grotesque language towards me such as C*, which I know it’s just a word but its always made me so angry.

I certainly don’t think he is a risk to me physically. He hasn’t displayed anything to suggest that and I can’t see it but I will bear it in mind as I guess anything is possible in times of heightened emotion.

thanks for the advice.

Show quote history

A man who is capable of this will absolutely never forgive you for this. If you stay together you will find that out.

Use this as your reason to split and stick with it.

It doesn’t sound like you are well matched anyway.

theleafandnotthetree · 21/04/2025 14:16

Mumoftwojune · 21/04/2025 12:46

Those instances happened about twice very early on and haven’t happened since. On occasion he has used grotesque language towards me such as C*, which I know it’s just a word but its always made me so angry.

I certainly don’t think he is a risk to me physically. He hasn’t displayed anything to suggest that and I can’t see it but I will bear it in mind as I guess anything is possible in times of heightened emotion.

thanks for the advice.

Show quote history

Well my ex husband had never shown the slightest physical aggression towards me and had never spoken to me anything like you describe yet when the penny finally dropped that I WAS leaving, he was vile. I know the only thing that stopped him from hitting me was the sure and certainl knowledge that I would not have hesitated to have reported him to the police and that he would have lost the moral high ground that he now decided he sat atop. So I would be very very careful and not at all complacent. Anything is indeed possible in these scenarios, things came out of my ex that I wouldn't have thought were inside him. You can't say that.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page