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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Advice - Ogling much younger women

20 replies

Ava55 · 21/04/2025 10:10

Advice please, I have been dating a guy for about 16 months. For the first year he was so attentive and made so much effort. At Christmas I found out he was following an ex on Instagram who posted daily provocative selfies ( when we met he made a huge deal that it was wrong to have any contact with exes) anyway issue is every time we are out he dosen’t just glance at women which is very natural for us all, but he has to ogle and give them a good look. He will then continue to look over, they are often much younger, but really pretty much a women passing. When he’s met any of my female friends or family he cannot help himself either by giving their chest area a good look. It’s given me the major ick. I’ve spoken to him about this and said it makes me feel disrespected, at first he was so embarrassed but he’s not really changed. When we first met this didn’t happen so what’s changed ?

OP posts:

ZekeZeke · 21/04/2025 10:14

I’d say he was always like that but you didn’t notice.
You have asked him to stop, he continues to objectify women.
What are you doing with this man?

achillesshield · 21/04/2025 10:15

He's just showing you who he is now, doesn't feel the need to mask it anymore.

LongHoliday01 · 21/04/2025 10:15

How embarrassing. I don’t see how you can be in a relationship with him.

Soundsfamiliardoesntit · 21/04/2025 10:27

That's who he is OP.
He won't change.
You need to decide whether you want to be with someone who is eying up other women all the time or not.
But staying in a relationship with him will chip at your self esteem and also make it impossible to trust him.

AgentJohnson · 21/04/2025 10:35

He was always this guy, nothing has changed. You are clinging to a version of him that never existed. Yes, he may have done a convincing job in the beginning but he clearly can’t be arsed now.

He’s a liar, he’s a sleaze and he should really be your Ex already, The only question you should be asking is why isn’t he already?

Original poster

Ava55 · 21/04/2025 10:35

Soundsfamiliardoesntit · 21/04/2025 10:27

Thankyou, yeah it is already happening, I feel so ugly and unattractive

OP posts:

5128gap · 21/04/2025 10:39

There is no way I'd tolerate this. Its not about disrespect for me, as this implies that men should be controlling themselves only when they're with a partner, for her benefit. It's about consideration for other women who should be able to go about their business without being gawped at by leering men. At best your partner is being eye rolled and sniggered at by young women who think he's a sad creep, at worst they feel disgusted and intimidated by him. I couldnt stand the embarrassment of being with him.

5128gap · 21/04/2025 10:42

Ava55 · 21/04/2025 10:35

Thankyou, yeah it is already happening, I feel so ugly and unattractive

Show quote history

You need to remember that his behaviour is nothing to do with your appearance. There are men who leer at women and men who don't. Just because you've had the misfortune to get involved with the first type doesn't make you any less attractive than if you'd ended up with the second. You are as attractive as you are. No man's behaviour changes that.

tygertygers · 21/04/2025 11:10

So grim. It must be incredibly embarrassing when he ogles your relatives - and unpleasant for them, too. Throw this one back.

Original poster

Ava55 · 21/04/2025 11:14

tygertygers · 21/04/2025 11:10

So grim. It must be incredibly embarrassing when he ogles your relatives - and unpleasant for them, too. Throw this one back.

Thankyou, yes I want the ground to swallow me.. my sister hasn’t said anything but I caught him last week taking a glance twice made me feel sick…

OP posts:

Calliopespa · 21/04/2025 11:16

Honestly why are you bothering?

You’re not married, don’t have children. Why???

Original poster

Ava55 · 21/04/2025 11:23

Calliopespa · 21/04/2025 11:16

Honestly why are you bothering?

You’re not married, don’t have children. Why???

I guess loneliness if I’m being honest. I’ve spent so many years single and I can’t bear going back there again

OP posts:

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 21/04/2025 11:25

I mean... the clear and obvious solution is break up.

It's gross and disrespectful to you.
There is nothing you can do to change this.

Calliopespa · 21/04/2025 11:26

Ava55 · 21/04/2025 11:23

I guess loneliness if I’m being honest. I’ve spent so many years single and I can’t bear going back there again

Show quote history

That’s a good answer op. But he’s not the answer to your loneliness if that makes sense.

You are settling. There are some things you can “settle” for. Things like annoying sniffs or not being tidy. But this is a deeply disrespectful thing that will stand between you at an intimate level.

ETA but your honesty and self knowledge is impressive. Most people would have bluffed that question.

category12 · 21/04/2025 11:28

Ava55 · 21/04/2025 11:23

I guess loneliness if I’m being honest. I’ve spent so many years single and I can’t bear going back there again

Show quote history

I don't see how being treated like this is better than being on your own.

He's rude and creepy.

It's not a reflection on you or your attractiveness, it's him being a disgusting lech.

Chuck him back. Find someone who makes you feel good about yourself.

Tassys · 21/04/2025 11:34

What on earth are you doing being of those women that others PITY?
Others wondering are you blind that you cannot see they are with a sleazy creep.

Men who make a big deal of stuff like he did are walking red flags.
They make a fuss because it is exactly the sort of thing that they do.

Do the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk and find some self respect.
Kindly meant but EVERYONE can see he's a total creep and feel so sorry for you that you think this is all you deserve.

Men know well they are doing this.
They know well you can see them doing it.
They don't care because they are sleazy creeps to their core.
They don't respect you for a minute because what decent woman with self respect accepts this behaviour.

Get out while you can, before the pity in the eyes of everyone who knows you wrecks your mental health, and you are completely repulsed by him and yourself for accepting this.

Sparkling2006 · 21/04/2025 11:39

A man isn’t the solution to being lonely. And this one is going to make you even more lonely when people stop socialising with you because they don’t like to be letched at.

Whats so bad about being a free agent? Apart from sex what are you getting from him that you couldn’t get from a good female friend?

wannawoo · 21/04/2025 11:40

Ew. Get shot of him. Accident waiting to happen

Tassys · 21/04/2025 11:42

Oh and the creeps that I know of that behaved like this were married to lovely attractive women who were dead eyed from witnessing their behaviour and feeling mortified.
This is years ago.

I don't notice it so much any more.
Except a single man in my tennis club who is a bachelor in his 50's, excellent player, career, beautiful home, verycomfortabley off, but not a hint of a girlfriend in 15 years for longer than a few weeks.
He openly goggles and is endlessly mocked by the other men.
I was warned about him at the first social🙄🤢🤮.

Maybelle84 · 21/04/2025 14:24

OP it's who he is, he's now feeling comfortable enough with you to stop hiding it as much. It may also be a way to make you insecure so you stay with him.
It's on him not you, those woman aren't 'better' than you, he is just being disrespectful and sleazy.

My ex would often tell me or show me other woman he found attractive, go into great detail about how hot his ex was and say how he liked young, tall, very skinny, swedish blondes! All of it was to essentially put me in my place.

I'd be making that guy and ex if I was you. You deserve to either be with a guy who treats you with respect or be single and know you don't have someone like that in your life.

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