Advice please ! I'm so hurt.

[Lornais]

I need some advice. I've been married for almost seven years now, and we have two children (ages 4 and 5). I can honestly say we have a great marriage — we love each other, have great sex, and have fun together. Honestly, he's like my best friend.

Last week, I took the kids and went abroad for a week to visit my family. He stayed behind because of work, and then he came to meet us later. When he arrived, I went through his phone. I know that’s not ideal, but I have insecurities from past relationships.

Anyway, I found some deleted chats on Messenger — specifically one with a girl from his past that he had a fling with 15 years ago. It started as a casual conversation, but then it turned sexual. They were reminiscing about things they’d done, and he said things like “I wish we could do this now,” so there was a bit of sex talk. Just to clarify, this girl lives on the other side of the world.

I confronted him when I saw the messages. I didn’t tell him how I found out, but he admitted everything and apologized. He said he felt ashamed and that it meant nothing. He explained that while I was away with the kids, the house felt empty, and he ended up masturbating a lot and watching porn (which I don’t mind). Then, this girl on messenger popped up, and temptation and curiosity got the better of him — he said for him it was like one of those sex chats people find online.

He told me he would die without me and the kids, and that it was just a foolish mistake. My gut is telling me that’s probably all it was — I do know he’s an honest person — but I still can’t stop thinking about it and could really use some advice.

I’m so sorry OP. Something similar happened to me. I actually chucked mine out of the house for a while but we are reconciled now. There is no easy answer to this. I’m still not sure, two years on that I’ll ever truly trust him again or that I want to live my life like that. He absolutely needs to take responsibility for hurting you and never, ever make you feel bad for expressing that hurt or try to minimise it.

Would you consider couples counselling? It did help in my case. Has he blocked this person? He needs to never contact her again.

It may have meant very little to him
It may have just been a wank and he does love you very much
It may never happen again … BUT
Can you live like this ? Can you ever go away without feeling anxiety , insecurity and unhappiness about it
Can you have sex with him knowing and thinking he could be thinking of someone else
That’s a decision only you can make , for me , no
It would always been in the front or the back of my mind so I would move on
Nothing is worth your own mental wellbeing
So sorry this has happened to you

I don’t like the sound of this OP. I do wonder what made you look at his phone - do you have any other reason to feel insecure about him, apart from your past? How did this woman “pop up” - I’d be suspecting he sought her out. And saying he’d die without you is manipulative - you have every right to end your relationship with him if he cheats, or even if he doesn’t - and he should respect that.

You’ve had a horrible shock, and of course you feel hurt, and he should give you time and space and not be trying to control your response. I’m sorry to seem negative but I’ve seen this so often with supposedly lovely, honest men having a one-off mistake - and it turns out it’s just what they’re like and not a one-off. I’m not saying it’s definitely that, but just be aware and don’t let him call all the shots.

It's difficult to say right now. In terms of fantasizing of other people whilst having sex , my opinion is that most people do it and it's healthy , I do it myself sometimes too, so that is not my problem.

If you need to go through his phone, there’s no trust there and the relationship was over long ago.

My ex did something similar after our baby was born. It was brutal but I sat on it for about two weeks and then ended it. The trust was gone and I very quickly fell out of love with him over the whole thing. Our relationship was struggling with the birth of the baby however and we weren't really getting on so different scenario to you.

Could you try some relationship counselling to sort through your feelings first before you make any decisions?

I'm not sure what to do. I've already kind of forgiven him And things are back to normal but I'm still thinking of it. Not sure what to do

There’s so much to unpick there op. Why do you check his phone? Why is he sexting other women? And why are you married to a bloke so dull that all he can think of to do when you’re not there is wank? God that would make me look at him differently alone. Is sex all missed you for?

I think I’d really struggle to get past the sexting tbh.

When he arrived, I went through his phone. I know that’s not ideal, but I have insecurities from past relationships.

Your marriage is categorically not happy and he is not your best friend if you feel the need to do this. This has nothing to do with your past relationships, this is because you know that your husband is not trustworthy.

It is hardly the first time he has done something like this or worse. It’s bullshit for him to claim otherwise and bullshit to believe it.

He’s a run of the mill sleazy, cheating man and really sadly you now have a decision to make. But whatever you decide, it’s him who has broken up your family, not you.

He is a sleazy cheating liar. He may not physically have cheated but he 100% emotionally cheated.
You go away for a week and he can't control himself? Yuck! I would find his behaviour sickening. Temptation and curiosity my hole!

All he will do is become better had hiding. You won't know a moments peace, each time you leave the house this will be on your mind.

I'm always surprised that people (men) will jeopardize their and their families whole lives over something that "means nothing".

I would be wondering about the times when you didn't catch him out with other incidents that "meant nothing "

Yeah that's the bit I'm not understanding, she says the marriage is great and they are best friends etc but then feels the need to look through his phone after a period of separation?

So sorry OP, not a nice thing to find. But he said “the house felt empty“ ….. so he had a sexual text session with a fling from 15 years ago…. What would he have done if you’d been having a normal argument like typical couples do from time to time? Or heaven forbid going through a bit of a tough time?

I think to a man this would mean a lot less than to a woman.

Doesnt make it right but he is probably being truthful in what he says about it meaning nothing and he was just using it as wank material.

Men can be disgusting when they start thinking with their dicks!

We do argue and go through tough times. Raising kids is tough.

You say you have a great relationship, a happy marriage, great sex, he's your best friend etc etc but you still felt the need to check his phone? That doesn't make sense to me. If you are checking his phone then you obviously didn't trust him despite claiming your marriage is a happy one.

Only you can decide where you go from here because its very obvious that you just don't trust him.

Think long and hard about whether you can live like this because not having trust in a relationship sucks.

You don’t have a great marriage if you are checking his phone. You having insecurities from last relationships should have disappeared by the time you have been together for 7 years with 2 kids. You don’t trust him. Presumably you have found other things on his phone over the years to confirm your lack of trust.
He deleted the messages because he knows you go through his phone.

He is either trustworthy or he isn’t. You need to decide which one it is and take it from there.

I'm not sure why but I've been like this from a very early age, struggling to trust men...I haven't found anything else through the years no

I think that you need to begin by being honest about your relationship. It's not great, you aren't best friends blah blah.

I cannot imagine it's the first time you've looked through his phone. I understand insecurities because of previous relationships but what had happened with your DH throughout your marriage? Has he cheated in terms of emotional affairs, what was he like during your pregnancies, why the need to declare that you have a perfect marriage?

I suppose what I'm getting at is that things haven't been great for a while. Having small kids is hard work but there's clearly more going on. Be honest about it and then you can decide what you want for the future.

Yes I understand your point. I have checked his phone many times previously it's not the first time . I don't have a perfect marriage ( I don't think that exists),I just wanted to explain how things are just to give context/ background . He hasn't cheated on me emotionally in the past no and he was amazing when I was pregnant, very supportive/caring etc and as a father

I used to check my previous partners phone - I had reason to as it turned out.

I completely trust my current partner and have never even contemplated checking his phone, why would I?

You checked his phone fully expecting to find something. Knowing you’d find something. And you did.

He’s not your best friend.

You need to stop checking his phone or leave him. I wouldn't call what he's done an emotional affair either. From what you've described he was just reminiscing with an ex from years ago. Clearly there was no intent for it to go further than reminding each other of some good times they had, since she's on the other side of the world. It could have just been for wank fodder, but then he's probably got memories he can use just as well for that. And you've said you yourself think about other people during sex anyway. So, unless you have an rule that he can't ever talk to his exes, then really the biggest issue is you invading his privacy.

So, his reaction to you being gone and the house being empty is to wank, watch porn and engage in sexting with an ex? WTAF?! Could he not do something useful like mow the grass, paint the downstairs loo, sort the messy drawer? Honestly, this useless behaviour alone would make me rethink the marriage.

I do know he’s an honest person.

@Lornais, your H is not honest or monogamous.

He cheated by having an online sexual experience with a former lover, even telling her he wishes he could hook up with her in person. The validation did indeed mean something to him, as he was willing to treat you and the children with great disrespect and disloyalty to gain it. Had you not checked his phone, you’d still be in the dark regarding the intimate secret he and OW had been keeping.

His excuse for his infidelity, that ‘the house felt empty’, is truly pathetic, as is his labelling his deliberate, unethical choice a ‘foolish mistake’. The truth is that his boundaries are weak and he feels entitled to pursue illicit interactive thrills with other women, both those he knows and strangers. This won’t be the first time.

How would he feel if you had sex chat with one of your exes and told him you wished to meet?

@Lornais, did you set any consequences for his betrayal? I would have sent him away and considered my options. I won’t stay in a mistrustful relationship with a sneaky cheat.