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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Friend seems to only want to meet when they need advice

14 replies

Weathershorts24 · 21/04/2025 03:29

What would you do?- One friend only seems to message me when they need advice about a certain thing. I’m not an expert in it, I just have some personal experience of the issue. I have spent a long time chatting to the friend and have sympathy, but have now noticed that they only message to meet when they need advice on the topic.
Would feel mean ignoring next time they message, but at the same time feel that perhaps they wouldn’t contact me if it wasn’t for this…..
What would you do? Thanks….

OP posts:
Sodthesystem · 21/04/2025 03:39

'I think I'll have to start charging you for my expertise in the area Sandra. I could do with a new kitchen and I think you'd be able to cover the costs xD I'm sorry love, I'm not too sure about that so wouldn't want to advise you wrong. I'm probably not the best person to ask. But I do miss our (coffee chats/fun days out/adventures) would you like to go do something soon and get out of this rut were in?'

LostShepherdsPie · 21/04/2025 03:47

I can relate and I just want to say to OP that I recognise that this can be a tricky situation to navigate especially if the issue is a sensitive topic.
I had a friend from secondary school that I had not seen in over ten years and I had reached out via FB to say hello and we shared key life updates eg her second marriage, me expecting my first DS etc. Very quickly, before even meeting she confided her marriage has serious problems and wanted to talk over phone about it, then only meet to discuss divorce, how to form fill etc....was pretty draining and not really the energy you want when expecting your first. Felt like I was a total cow for feeling this way but I had limited energy with gestational diabetes etc

Original poster
Weathershorts24 · 21/04/2025 08:26

Thanks for replies so far……
Anyone else?

OP posts:
olympicsrock · 21/04/2025 08:32

Blimey - we only ever seem to talk about one thing don’t we. Shall we agree to talk about something more cheerful today ?

Or just send back a really short reply either an emoji or Sorry it’s tough x Or Not sure really - good luck …

MoreChocPls · 21/04/2025 08:34

I’d ignore as she is using you.

Kitchensnails · 21/04/2025 08:34

If she only contacts you for advice and there isn't a friendship beyond that I'd either ignore or just be honest and say you've noticed she only contacts you when she wants to talk about this subject and the friendship isn't really working for you (only if you also make an effort your end though otherwise she'll just point that out).

jubs15 · 21/04/2025 09:21

"I'm sorry to hear about that. Please do get in touch when you're feeling better so we can go and enjoy ourselves somewhere and forget all our woes."

Original poster
Weathershorts24 · 21/04/2025 10:02

Thanks- if/ when she contacts, I’m sure it will be about that so I’ll just have to be strong and use one/ some of the suggestions- I’m grateful, thanks.
The penny only really dropped that they were only contacting me about this after the last time…

OP posts:
Original poster
Weathershorts24 · 21/04/2025 10:12

Also, it feels quite hurtful when you realise this!

OP posts:
Mumlaplomb · 21/04/2025 10:19

Hi OP, I had a former colleague who I was also friends with messaging me almost every day for work related advice when we no longer worked together. In the end I had to be quite firm and say that I didn’t have the bandwidth to help and that was repeated afew times. She did get over it and we are still friends but only message normal friend stuff now. If she’s a real friend she will get over it if you explain you don’t want to keep helping her with xyz. If she’s gets the hump then she’s not a real friend

SunsetCocktails · 21/04/2025 10:22

How many times is she contacting you about this one subject? Surely by now you’ve given her all the advice on it you possibly can? Definitely take a step back and maybe just say sorry, you’re really busy or dealing with stuff yourself right now and don’t really feel you’re in the right headspace to advise her.

Duckiess · 21/04/2025 10:32

It’s annoying and disappointing when people do that. A friend of a friend invited me for coffee, I was surprised but thought why not. All she really wanted was info on being a single mum and benefits, she told me all her issues with her DH. Years later they are still together and she is off with me when I see her with mutual friend!

IsawwhatIsaw · 21/04/2025 10:49

MoreChocPls · 21/04/2025 08:34

I’d ignore as she is using you.

Yes it’s as simple as this. So I wouldn’t describe her as a friend.

Original poster
Weathershorts24 · 21/04/2025 11:38

Thanks for the honest advice, and it’s also true that I don’t have the bandwidth as like us all, I have my own life too!

OP posts:
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