Don’t know what I should do next..

[Butter194]

Cut a long story short me and my OH have been together for 13yrs (not married or have children).
We haven’t been getting along for a long time but we always argue and then it goes back to normal. But just lately we’ve had a lot go on and tensions have been running high. I love him to pieces but he’s not the man I want to be with. The only thing is I can’t imagine my life without him.. we have been together most of my adult life so the thought of moving out and starting fresh is so scary.

I got home from work today and I’m poorly with a horrible cold so just wanted to eat and go to bed. He got home tonight and we had a big argument where he tells me he can’t see our relationship carrying on and that I need to be with someone who wants the same things as me (children). I totally agree with him and decide to go stay at my mums house as it’s empty at the moment whilst she’s on holiday. My question is, where do I go from here? What do I do? My head is spinning but for now I just need sleep and to try get rid of this horrible cold I have. If anyone has been in a similar situation please let me know. I’m sad at my mums and miss my pets back at my house but my partner owns our home so I’m the one who will have to move out etc.
Please just advice - no negativity.. definitely don’t need anymore of that right now!

Surely it's a no brainer if you want children. He seems to have ended the relationship anyway. Don't stay with someone you constantly argue with because they're what you know. I hope you feel better soon.

I think your relationship with your DP has run it's course and, daunting though it certainly is, you should be glad that this has happened now or you could still be in the same position in another decade with your chances of having children with someone else hugely reduced due to your age. Hopefully you can stay at your mum's while you make a plan for your future.

You need to leave, end of. He has told you he does not see a future for your relationship. You don’t get on. You don’t want the same things.

You start looking for a place to live. You give yourself a deadline to move out. You get on with life. There really isn’t another magic solution that doesn’t involve big change and being scared and things being hard before they get better. Even if you hang on in there, it’s a matter of when, not if you’ll have to do this, so it might as well be now.

Time to definitively end your relationship. You both don’t want to be together long term and know it’s not right. So it’s time to stop.

Is he your childhood sweetheart? So you are really starting from scratch with no experience? That can feel really daunting, understandably. And you will also experience grief as a major part of your life is ending. But truly OP, you will overcome this.

Yes, there will be a period of transition when you feel distressed and a bit lost. And likely some false starts and let downs as you rebuild. But you will grow massively!!!! You have a blank canvas to start designing the next chapter if life. I’m willing to bet you will realize you have lost track of who YOU are on your own without him. It sounds like you are quite merged if you can’t imagine not being with him. That means you can rediscover the grown up you. (What is your favourite colour? Taste? Where do you individually want to travel most? What are your core values? What do you most want? What gives you pleasure and a buzz? What are your desires?) Then there will be dating, when you are ready. Yes, there can be pitfalls… but there can also be amazing new people and relationships which can make you much happier than this one.

I had a massive breakup when I was 38. In terms of basic markers, much worse than this, as I was married, with a child, and he cheated. But maybe similar to you, as he was my furst real relationship and it was long (21 years for me). It was about 9 months of hell, followed by 18 months of self discovery (lots of joy and some remnants of grief), now followed by the seven happiest years of my life, settled emotionally, successful financially, much more my true self, and with a partner who is the right one to have at my side for the rest of my life.
I am hugely grateful for that pivot. Best thing that ever happened to me.

You have the chance for a pivot. Get rid of your cold, have a good cry, cuddle up and rest, then start the journey!