Empathy

[Frosttrail]

I don’t think that this is a relationship issue as such but since it’s about my boyfriend I thought it the best place.
I really like him and he is in all fairness a really good partner overall and he is the complete opposite to some of my really bad choices that I made in the past.

One thing that I always found a bit uncomfortable was his complete detachment from topics which are quite upsetting. He is never rude or inappropriate, and he discusses them, but he seems unable to relate or empathise in any way. We seem to be at a complete and utter disconnect from each other in this regard and it sometimes really bothers me.

I know that he consumes a lot of material which I consider graphic and upsetting, so I wonder if it’s just a build up tolerance because of overload of shock material, so thought I’d ask for thought on the matter.
He isn’t rude, violent, or in any way aggressive but I can’t really fathom this interest and lack of relatability if this makes sense.

We are in our early 30s/ 40s so it’s not like either of us is particularly young and immature. Just wondering if this is something that others have noticed with partner or even family members? I’m just trying to understand it if I’m honest.

Without some details as to what exactly you're referring to, it's difficult to provide accurate advice.

It would certainly put a lot of women off if their partner watched a lot of gory, violent material. For me it's a red flag.

If he lacks empathy or remorse in other ways as well, you might want to know that psychopaths make up about 1% of the population. Not all of them will commit crime, and they tend to gravitate towards certain jobs.

From experience, if you have empathy and the other doesn't, you find life really difficult.

Can you give an example of his lack of empathy? Would he step over someone having a heart attack?

I don’t think he would do that if he can help, but he doesn’t seem to care even if he can’t. But he does walk by other people needing help (recently came across a young woman trying to revive her very drunk friend who had passed out outside and he refused to help because he claimed that the drunk one had a friend with her and that it wasn’t his problem)

Or when he couldn’t understand why people in his work were upset about a medication being discontinued and the effect on patients. I understand that you can’t let everything get to you but it’s like nothing does unless it affects him or someone he loves.

I dated someone like this, and whilst initially I thought I could deal with it (I am highly empathetic and appreciate not everybody is quite the same). Over time this became more and more of an issue.

He showed no empathy for people with serious mental health issues, made comments about how COVID was necessary to “get rid” of people who were costing the NHS money and generally didn’t care about anyone else in a meaningful way, unless it somehow benefited or impacted him.

I believe too; that my empathy began to grate on him too, he would often describe me as “too soft” or “naive”.

Its fine, and sometimes very good to date someone with different opinions to you, but I think empathy is a fundamental value for those of us who have it, and dating someone who lacks it… is painful.

Massive massive issue. I think how someone relates to animals, small children and being able to generally put themselves in someone else’s shoes is a foundational skill for relationships. Run away.

Yes this sounds familiar, and I do struggle with it at times. Thank you

He doesn't have empathy for people he doesn't know yet would help someone in need of medical assistance. Many people are like that unfortunately.