co-parenting with someone with narcissistic traits

[ZingyTaupeFox]

This may be a long read, so sorry in advanced.

I've applied for a divorce however my husband is very emotionally abusive, he is very manipulative, controlling and constantly guilt trips me or tries to buy me back with gifts, holidays or false promises. He is a big drinker. He hasn't directly hit me but he has hit things near me and been intimidating by shouting in my face and pushing me.

He has now finally moved out. But refusing to collect his belongings.

After many times of trying to leave him I know this is my final time. I'm not putting up with it. The issue is we have children and I obviously need to stay in contact with him for the sake of the children.

He is not respecting my boundaries at all and is constantly trying to prove he has changed and wants us to have another chance. He goes from booking holidays to telling me I'm to blame for his mental health and leave him alone. No matter how I clear I make it he is not getting the picture.

I don't go out of my way to message him he messages me things as if we are friends/or in a relationship. I try my best to ignore these. But every now and then he will suggest something completely out there and I can't help but retaliate because it's absurd he is even thinking it.

I have now resorted to just email communications which he is unhappy with and telling me I'm irresponsible as he wouldn't be able to contact me if he were with the kids. I have my emails on my phone so would be contactable as notifications come up straight away.

Please can anyone shed any light, advice or websites to go on how best to deal with co-parenting with someone with narcissistic traits. It is getting to the point where I just want to run away with my children because I cannot cope with this barrage of abuse and him not respecting my boundaries on a daily basis.

I feel so trapped it's making me feel ill.

Download a co parenting app and communicate that way. All communication is saved, should this go to court.

Don't communicate about anything not about the children. If he books, holidays and restaurants, let him get on with it.

There's little you can do about his stuff but I assume you've already had legal advice regarding the house and assets. Just press forward with the divorce and grey rock him.

Get another phone. It's up to you how you do it. Either tell him why or else tell him you changed your number but believe me, after two years of stress with my ex, him having his own special phone I could switch off was fantastic. Still is.

He doesn't spoil my time now with messages popping up or phone calls at inappropriately times.

Don't have your emails popping up. Just have it all separate and look at them when you choose to

This is genius and I definitely think it's what I need. Thank you for the suggestion! Hope everything is ok with you now x

I have downloaded an app but he refuses to download it. He is literally making it impossible to communicate as he refuses email too. I am trying to grey rock him but I get caught up in his game. Definitely something I'm learning to control myself. Thank you for your suggestions though x

Do you have evidence of this? If so, I'd just stop communicating with him via any other means. If he goes to court for access you can show them that because of harassment, you tried to communicate via an app and email and he refused.

Yes I have loads of messages and emails stating he will only communicate by phone. I don't want to stop access, I know first hand what detrimental effects this has, so I just want to find a way I can keep him communicating only about the children and nothing else or at least where it's not constantly in my face day in day out.

Then mute him on WhatsApp and direct his number straight to voicemail. You could buy another phone for him only.

The thing about boundaries is that they are YOUR boundaries. A normal, emotionally healthy person would, of course, respect those. But he is not that. So you have to accept he won't.

What you need to be is very clear on what you will accept and what you won't. If he texts you inappropriately you have to ignore. Or tell him that if he texts you about getting back together/holidays etc you will consider that harassment and act accordingly. Then he can choose to do whatever he likes, but you have clear consequences and responses.

If he comunicatesvia whatsapp, archive and check only daily or whatever seems appropriate. Or even ask a friend to review the messages and to let you know only about the ones that are relevant to the children.

Ultimately, people.like this can't be reasoned with so you have to hold.your own line.

Stay strong. Stick to emails. Only respond about the kids and contact. If he’s messaging a lot then only respond weekly. If you don’t have a se contact pattern for the kids then suggest one and ask for his input then enforce it when he’s difficult about it. Then suggest mediation to come to an agreement. Don’t be scared of court it was a horrendous experience for me but I can now ignore all his fucking about and manipulation and just respond “I will follow the court order” which has been liberating.

if you don’t know grey rock method google that.

he won’t stop till he has a new victim. And then he may re start every time his latest victim leaves him. That was my experience.

do the freedom program. Even though you know you won’t get back together it will be helpful honestly.

prepare for your kids spouting shit he’s told them. Lay the groundwork NOW for this by pointing out differences you have with the kids “it’s cool you like the strawberry ice cream but I really don’t like it and that’s ok” “I think that person in that tv show was being mean there, I know they are hurt/angry but it’s not ok to behave like that”. Then when they say daddy said you did xyz you can say “well I have a different memory of that” and not discuss it. Make comments on how grown up stuff is grown up stuff and not their problem to worry about. Be prepared for them to feel very confused as dad try’s to paint you as horrible and they feel they have to take sides- make it very clear you do not expect them to take sides. Never slag their father off. Never downplay any men they raise with you of his abuse acknowledge it happened and isn’t it better now that can’t happen anymore. Tell them on repeat secrets are not meant to be secret from parents, whenever you discuss safeguarding and tell a grown up use examples like “you can always tell me if your teacher is mean or if another grown up is mean. And you can always tell a teacher of me or your dad is mean, sometimes teachers can be better at getting help than other people”. This is key you include yourself in this so they don’t feel you are telling them to tell the teacher dad is abusive and also key they know to tell the teacher because mum saying kid says dad is abusive will do fuck all to protect your kids if he denied it.

it gets worse before it gets better. And then they change tactics. If it’s this bad now then hopefully he’s desperately trying to regain control as he sees he has lost it and you just have to hold out until he realises there are easier more ego affirming ways to get power the power he so craves elsewhere

Turn off notifications on emails. Check them once a day at a time that suits you. You do not need to communicate more then once a day with someone you are not in a relationship with. I also read somewhere about lowering expectations from co-parenting to parallel parenting. It is virtually impossible to ‘co-parent’ ie work as a team with someone who behaves like this. So aim for parallel instead. It will get easier.

@ZingyTaupeFox we split over ten years ago now. Ds is a teen. Exh is not a coparent. He's a pain in the arse and will always continue to be so. I get some respite when ds goes for the weekend and gets on ok. Other weekends, he's texting me upset because exh has said something horrible, or is not looking after him properly. Exh is Jekyl and Hyde and always will be. I tread carefully and always will.

I only really WhatsApp him and via a separate phone. Very occasionally I have to phone him. I had him blocked on my proper phone for years but it's not necessary now.

My other top tip is for email. We don't email often now, but I have a filter which sends all his emails to a folder with a rude name. Petty but it helps my mental health 😁

Again, you could do this or you could set up a new email address just for him so you're not seeing unread messages. It is hard to justify ignore them. I still get a knot in my stomach when I see a message as I never know what level of crazy it will be.

Boundaries. Massively important! Draw your lines.

Him insisting on only communicating via the telephone is his problem, if he really valued communication about his children he wouldn’t be playing these games. He would quickly find out a new number and the cycle would start again. He either communicates via the methods you’ve suggested or a third party would have to handle handovers etc.

I know it’s hard but detaching is a mindset that will save you from this unpleasant man, he knows where your strings are and only you can decide to not letting him pull them. Grey rock his arse, the more you do it the easier it will get.

Document everything!

Yes. My ex was so ridiculous with this it was almost farcical. I had to block him on WhatsApp because of abusive messages, but he’d find literally any messaging loophole to send his crap through— twitter messaging, other random apps we were members of. He would have sent me a load of guff through the Tesco clubcard if he could. All instead of responding politely to email.

By the way, the latest fresh hell for those of us unfortunate enough to have an ex who is a narc, is they inflict voice notes on us now! Ex left one that is 12 minutes long today 🤣

Like fuck am I listening to that. !