Am I being unreasonable…?

[Swestguy]

Hi, opinion from the ladies please. Discovered
my wife of 22 years is messaging another guy. Went pretty quickly from just friends to now shes doubting our whole marriage, I never properly fulfilled her and we’re on the brink of it all ending. 3 kids, house etc. She wants time to sort it in her head but I’m left feeling like I’m a spare part in my own marriage. For background I’ve been a pretty good husband (at least that’s what I thought!) - yes a few bits lacking post kids but is this a reason not to at least try? I’m kinda lost. 🤷🏻‍♂️

Is she just messaging him or is she having an affair?

They haven’t had sex but have kissed and been very secretive. It’s more on the emotional level at the moment

Cheaters lie. I would start sorting out what you want. Her asking for time to decide if she wants to carry on her affair is pretty shoddy behaviour.

If she wants to stay in the marriage then she stops contact with him and works on it. If she refuses then you have your answer.

She’s refused to do that

Then you're in an open relationship. If you want an open relationship, all good.

She has admitted she has kissed this other man and she is very secretive about him? And she refuses to stop communication with him? Out she goes. If that is her choice, let her make it, but the marriage is over. Do not let her stay whilst you play the pick me dance. Tell her to leave with immediate effect, if necessary arrange alternative accommodation for yourself but leave her to it. She believes the grass is greener? Let her go forth and plough it. Protect yourself now, she is not your friend. This is the EXACT same advice I would give to a woman in this situation.

What she's saying is she doesn't want to end your marriage until she thinks she's got a thing with this other man. Show her that's not how it works OP and chuck her out to go figure it out, she doesn't get to have her cake and eat it

I agree with above posters, you need to provide stability for your children. They and you can’t have this ‘might or might not’ situation. See a solicitor as soon as you can and make sure you can provide a stable home for your children. It won’t be easy.

You need to tell her it's over. This is a very harsh line but you need to give.

I would say give her some time because it can be very difficult for children. Don't let them know you have a conflict happening, but make sure they can talk to you if necessary. In this scenario if you are getting a divorce get as much evidence of cheating as possible, but if you think the marriage can go on then let her have some space and take some for yourself too to think about what you want. You re not being dramatic, but is she worth it?

When a cheat admits to kissing someone else it usually means they've gone far further. She's a branch swinger - wants to have the next guy secure before leaving the comforts of the marriage. But emotionally she's already left you, and now it's all down to whether the other bloke will commit. As tempting as it might be at this stage, don't do the pick me dance. It'll just make you look desperate, and desperate isn't going to win her back.

Get your ducks in a row, and DO NOT leave the marital home.

Secure the kids passports and other documents
Get your share of any joint accounts out of there asap
Don't leave the home
If you're in a position to and can stomach paying a long game alter your arrangements so your life is more sites to 50/50 care of your kids

It sounds like you have been a great husband and a dad - shame for your wife tbh

Great advice here already.

I’m really sorry and I know this isn’t what you want to hear but your need to take control of this situation. She is testing to see if the grass is greener, she’s a cake-eating cheat and the fact you know and are hurting in front of her and she’s cracking on with the affair makes it clear she’s not your friend and she’s actually pretty nasty.

Check out your legal situation, if you’re still having sex with her or playing dutiful husband STOP, no pick me dance. She will be minimising and lying.

I’d suggest going onto the chumplady or surviving infidelity website as there are a lot of useful stories and articles on there that will help you make sense of her behaviour.

Good luck, I’ve been there and it’s awful.

I would also recommend the chumplady website in this situation to help you get some clarity about what is going on here.

I’m not sticking up for her but how do you get that from this post ? He admits he may have lacked a bit.
Simply, people who are happily married don’t look elsewhere.
Yes , I’d say the same to a woman.

Simply, people who are happily married don’t look elsewhere.

That's not true. People have affairs for all kinds of reasons, often because of entitlement.

‘Simply, people who are happily married don’t look elsewhere.’

Absolute nonsense.

Infidelity psychology has moved on a lot since people first started spouting this rubbish. We can’t ‘make’ others happy and keep them ‘in check’ and faithful to us by doing so.

Don't be passive - what you want matters too. You need to be abundantly clear about where you stand on things. If it were me I would be leaving - my ex-husband cheated and I had to pay for the entire divorce as he just magically thought we could go back to how we were. If you don't want to leave then you need to be clear about what the future looks like - what you need from her in order for you to continue in the relationship. I am not surprised you feel like a spare part because you are waiting for her to make a decision - you have agency here and you should make a decision of your own, based on what you want and need. Good luck.

Totally agree with this. So often in affairs, people are looking for validation. What they don’t realise is that validation comes from within! No one can actually give it to you. And, if you yourself don’t feel good enough, if you have low self esteem, until you address that, you will keep seeking that validation, and in affairs you usually find it in someone else who also has low self esteem, who doesn’t like themselves very much either. It’s a vicious circle often entirely related to the individual and separate from the marriage.

Yea you’re done bubba. The longer you hang on and not accept what is at this point, the longer it’s going to hurt.
The other dude is a sorry POS for even doing it and he’s not gonna stop. He’s going to get in her head every way he can. She’s already gone brother I promise you.

When you say ‘pretty good husband’ and ‘a few bits lacking post kids’ … do you think your relationship was as good as it could have been and if there were problems, were you willing to work on them?
I know many women cheat, but I think there must have been some issues in the marriage for her to do this. Or at least it’s worth considering.

If you decide to give the marriage another go, you’ll need to work together to resolve those issues - as well as this new infidelity. Otherwise there’s no point. Your marriage doesn’t have to be over, but either way it’s going to be a difficult road ahead.
What do you want to happen? What would you decide to do, if it were up to you.

I've been in your wife's position. Before it got physical, I told him and asked to separate. I didn't see any way back tbh. I wasn't happy in the marriage for a long time. A lot of failings on his part, which he later acknowledged. Neither of us wanted to flog a dead horse. We ended up co-living fairly amicable until we could afford to live apart.
It didn't work out with the other fella but it was the catalysis that I needed.

Typical… everything was fine and then someone else comes along and they need ‘time’ don’t sit around and wait for her to choose you.

🫶🏼