Morning,
I have put off reaching out as im so so depressed. And the thought of writing down all this is so overwhelming right now but i litterally cant continue.
A small window into my relationship so far.
Its never been perfect but right now is absolutely horrendous. I've never felt so alone. So low in confidence, frustrated and angry. I have 2 dc. A nearly 10 yr old and a 6 year old autistic child. Both of my kids are my absolute world but i feel like im not doing for them what a mother should be. My partner is horrible to me and my children but mostly my 6 yr old. Would call her weird, ask what the point is in talking to her. He has nothing in common with her. She has put a bit of weight on over the last few months as she struggles with her mobility he remarks constantly on this. And to her but she doesnt understand that he is being nasty and it breaks my heart.
Yesterday was a very tough day. My 6 yr old was obsessed with watching the same program over and over and by 6pm I'd had enough. He had been at work and i needed a break to walk the dogs and clear my head and reset. My daughter then had a complete melt down. I was struggling to control her crying and getting frustrated i litterally felt like i was going to have a panic attack! I looked at my partner who was paying no attention to what was going on and knew i was struggling. I turned and said can you give me a hand please. To which he said what do you want me to do? I dont know what i wanted him to do but i needed help. I had my coat on ready to take my dogs out and my daughter was screaming not to leave her. I said im only going to be 10 mins but she was getting more and more upset.
He then told me to just go..... F**KING GO
Then grabbed my daughter and threw her on the sofa and told her to shut up right in her face. I broke down..
Took her upstairs where i was layed on the floor crying with my 6 yr old then comforting me!!! How bloody messed up is that. Then my eldest came in and asked why daddy was shouting at me and she saw how upset we was and also gave a big hug. The 3 of us on the floor. My crying wirh my daughter wiping the teara from my face.
Im so so so scared. I am so burnt out and dont want this life for me or my children. Its like walking on egg shells. Constantly scared to say or do the wrong thing. If i ask for a chat and say something he doesnt like he tells me to shut the f**k up.
He apoligised to the girls and ignored me after this. My youngest said mummy ansd daddy i love you both so much. My hearts broke. I want to tell my mum. I want to tell someone. Im so scared to get this started. Im afraid im gonna mess my kids up. Im afraid financially we will struggle. All my savings went into buying our first home last yr and i dont think i would recieve financial help as i part own this home. I also saved for a family holiday which we payed last week and i had saved every penny of it and now thats all gone.
There is so so so much more thats gone on. Belittling and degrading behavior.
Im at my mums today for easter lunch and im dying to ask her for help. Im so lost.
Please be kind
Thankyou.