Nightmare Ex

[MummyofoneT]

Hi would love some advice on how to deal with a narcissist ex. I broke up with him 18 months ago due to lack of connection & emotional abuse which included alot of stonewalling, and snide comments to our DD meant for me to overhear etc. It was seriously affecting my mental and physical and our son was witnessing the bad atmosphere and arguments, it took me years to leave him but I finally did it as I want him to know what a healthy relationship is.

We had to live together for a year while the house sold and in that time he made my life hell. I found out he had cheated and instead of being sorry, he was angry and defensive instead. One minute he would be nasty the next he would be coming on to me.

Fast forward 18 months, we are in separate houses and I've been seeing someone new for 8 months. My ex is still being a nightmare! He will send nasty texts one minute then he will be begging me to come over to his, presumably for a shag. My boyfriend thinks I should tell him I'm in a relationship but I'm just worried how he is going to react, wouldn't put it past him to stop paying child maintenance to be honest!. I try to grey rock him but if I do that then he will ignore me back when I need to know something about plans for our DD. I've tried only emails but he hardly replies and it's tricky when I need an answer to things such as what time to collect daughter etc.

Can't believe I'm still being affected by him so negatively 18 months on. Do you think I should tell him I'm in a relationship or not?. I haven't told our DD yet and wanted to wait at least a year before I do that.

Can you flat out ignore all communication that isn’t about your daughter? Just don’t acknowledge nasty pointless messages or messages angling for you to come over.

Oh I've been here it's an awful situation. Grey rock is difficult to do but works don't wait for replies thats the game ? Making you chase for confirmation and causing stress on your side. I'm about 3 years silence from him but it took about 7 years to get there. (no children) my advice is notify him of arrangements ONCE and then get on with your life if he turns up ? replies ? that is on him. It will be awkward for you and child maybe a chat is needed there and yes if he's anything like mine was the money may become a weapon but that can be sorted legally once you have stopped his antics by placing stronger boundaries on what you will accept.
You still have some work to do on yourself and would suggest all the help and information on the Quora site would be beneficial. Your life/bf is none of his business and telling him can go either way
Make choices based on YOU not him but it can take years and a lot of energy. I'm now free and happy that's the only way. Big hugs

Thank you both. Yes I have just ignored his message from yesterday about coming to his, guess I'll keep going with it and see. I'm glad your free NimbleTiger, seven years is such a long time! X

Not as long as the 15 years I tolerated the crazy stuff lol...it's been a hard slog but sooo worth it ...I'm now just navigating the newly engaged couple after 8 months 😳 living as my neighbours all engineered by ex but hey ho my life is great I'll just have to watch the same pantomime play out with a new star until I can move ...life loves sending curve balls ..big hugs you've got this

It's none of his business.

He'll probably get worse and become more difficult about contact with your dd to try and disrupt your time with your boyfriend.

The less he knows about your life the better. Grey rock him wherever you can.

Maybe go through CMS if he's PAYE so he can't hold the child support over your head as much.

Hey ladies …
Also lived that life for far too Long, but thankfully 9/10 years free now ..
When I shopped for clothes , I always thought first, will he kick off if I wear this ( and I always dressed nice ) , couldn’t speak to another male .
20 years together, I went out twice without him & each time regretted I did …
When I asked him to leave , cause like you OP , I didn’t want the kids growing up , thinking this is the way it is supposed to be ..
He went & got a one bedroom apartment, so could never have the kids & never worked another day in his life ..
These were the consequences for telling him to go ..
I did it though , & I’ve never looked back
😊
Do not tell him anything about your relationship, it’s none of his business..
Best of luck OP x

@Missj25 Sorry you went through all that, what an absolute loser he must be to not work and not support his kids. That just shows you his true self and that you are so much better off without him. Eventually I'm going to have to tell him about my boyfriend because I will need to tell my daughter and of course he will hit the roof if he hears it through her I suspect!. Its still disrupting my life so much, am just dreading the next awful text to come. Maybe I should just tell him I'm only going to communicate through a parenting app and then refuse to commit any other way, I just don't know. He hates anything that comes across as me telling him what to do, I did try it before and failed as he just wouldn't.

@category12 category12 I know you are totally correct, the snide comments will start coming and he will try to make out my boyfriend is more important to me than my daughter etc. However we have been together 9 months now so really I need to be telling her I'm dating someone soon even if I don't introduce them yet. So if he hears it through her I suspect he would explode, really can't decide what to do!

There was plenty red flags there for me to be honest short time Into relationship & I’m afraid I always chose to ignore 🙈….
Anyway, all in the past thankfully 😊..
OP , that’s a great idea chatting to him only through a parenting App ..
I’m sorry to hear , you dread when you see a text up from him ..x

Parenting App would be a good idea. If he's harassing you over text you could report to police.
As others have said just don't respond about anything other than childcare.

How old are the kids - my ex is a horrible narcissist and I blocked her at Xmas - kids are 14/16, we have 50/50 and the rota is just ongoing. Any comms (very few) like I want to take them away for a week in Aug just goes through kids.

Boundaries! You've done the worst bit - you took out the trash.
Now don't let it back in again.
This is your new life now and he plays by your rules.

I think I'd get the child support done formally so contact with him is not needed there, agree set days for contact with your child so that minimises the need for contact with him unless he cant make it. Maybe get another phone and tell him you have changed your number and use that phone only for him. That way you can switch it off when you choose to. Or maybe a close friend or family member can be the point of contact for anything to do with contact arrangements and then really change your number?

The only reason he needs to still be in your life is for your child - nothing else is any of his business and you may well have to stand very firm until he gets the message.
He wont like this new, independent and strong woman who is running her own life and he certainly wont take the news of a new boyfriend well.

Go careful and if you have any reason to be afraid or if he does anything odd or weird, go and have a word with your local police station.

These types of people don't like being told what to do or how to do it - they can get get quite vindictive.