Do you confront your parents over the way they deal with your dcs?

[TwoCurlyWurlies]

I did this today and my dad is still being funny with me hours later. Usually I don't say anything but fume inwardly.

We were at the supermarket. I bought dd(2) an Iggle Piggle bowl which she carried all around the shop. When it came to paying she didn't want to put it on the conveyor belt. I did some talking (she's usually quite cooperative but was getting tired and hungry) but in the end had to take it from her as we were holding up the queue. She started howling. I ignored her and carried on paying for the shopping. Next thing my dad has got hold of her and is saying to her "I've never seen you be this naughty before. We'll have to take that new bowl back." I said (not in a nasty way or anything) "She's not being naughty, she's a 2 year old and she's angry." My dad put her down, said to me in a sarcy voice "Well, I'm so sorry I got it wrong" and walked off.

Maybe this doesn't seem like a big deal, but I'm so fed up of the way they are with my 3 dcs. I think it's all to do with the way they were with me as a child and how I want to do things differently.

They are not the kind of people to talk about anything tricky (part of the reason I want to do things differently) and are very easily offended.

Should I try to get them to see my point of view or accept that they are from a different generation and will never try to deal with my dcs the way I would like?

All opinions welcome!

I have always confronted my parents over things like this. Very rarely need to now because a) my chidren are both high school now and therefore do less of the things that used to cause issues like yours and b) because they know i will not accept it.
I just used to say its not your place to discipline my child i will do it if i decide i need to.

Your father should absolutely not have intervened - it was not just that his message was wrong, it is first and foremost that he should not have opened his mouth.

What you should probably have said is "Dad, please don't intervene" when he started to talk.

It is very tricky, but i think you have to intervene. FWIW, I think you handled it well today. My FIL is a terrible sulker too!

Sometimes your family just want to fulfil their own needs before that of you or even the beloved Grandkids.

Quite a lot of grandparents take a while to get the message that they have had their turn at being parents, that their children are now adults and must be left to bring up their own children as they see fit.

I sometimes worry about this. I think you do need to confront them but it is so hard isn't it?

My mum was very disciplinarian with my and my brother and even though she loves my DS so much, I can see that it is hard for her to break out of this pattern. She feels absolutely that she needs to be telling him no all the time for things, which a) I don't need her to do if I am in the room with them - especially as I am happy for him to do some of the things and b) I can see it will affect their relationship in the future. DS other grandma is the total opposite and he adores her.

I wonder whether it is worth confronting the whole issue, or just dealing with individual events in the manner that anna suggests.

It depends.

My partner has tried confronting his mother in a general way about her controlling, authoritarian ways but she is too old to understand. At best, he can give her examples of where she has overstepped the limit and he sometimes gets short term results. Or we can contain her behaviour by not having all the children around when she visits.

With my parents, who rarely overstep my boundaries, I just tell them ad hoc - and we don't get worked up about it. My mother sometimes checks with me how I deal with certain situations, but generally I trust her.

Oh my mum would get the message and act on it, but she would be so hurt and it would be another low to her self esteem as a mother. In fairness she was pretty crap at times, but it's in the past now and we have a great relationship, and she was doing her best in difficult circumstances.

Maybe I will stick to plan b!

blow to her self esteem

When I have to say something to my mother, and indeed when my partner says something to his mother, about the way they treat the grandchildren, we always frame it in the context of "childrearing practices have moved on and fashions have changed" and we try to acknowledge what our own mothers/fathers did as appropriate and usual in their day/culture but that in our day/culture it is more usual to do it the way we tend to.

It depersonalises things, and also acknowledges that one's parents were using their best judgement at the time they were parents.

If you are clever, your parents can feel simultaneous flattered (you congratulate them on their past parenting - whatever you really think of it) and encouraged to try something new

Thanks for the support! My dad in particular can't stand to hear the kids cry, especially in public. He does not give in to them but tries to talk and make ridiculous empty threats to get them to stop. I have long since given up on that - they are not even listening when in full flow and to be honest I don't see why they shouldn't cry if they feel angry or whatever. I don't really care if people are staring at me. I'm probably more used to it than my parents though - I do understand that.

Anna8888 - not holding out much hope for them getting the message that I am the parent not them(not without serious confrontation anyway!) - my eldest is now 7!

They do a lot of things I am not happy with and I don't want it to affect my dcs. I have managed to say "Please just ignore him/her - there's nothing wrong, he/she is just very cross with me." They tend to feed the tantrums by giving so much attention trying to make them stop! Even this offends them but I do now say it.

I know they think I am not strict enough (I overheard a conversation - they would never say it to my face) and once my dad did say he thinks my ds(4) needs to learn the difference between right and wrong. I asked what he meant and he said "Well, having a tantrum, that's wrong and needs to be punished." I'm sorry but you cannot expect chidren of this age to act like adults (can't say that to him either - pathetic isn't it?)

They are totally over-generous with treats and presents for the dcs, but it's like they expect constant perfect behaviour from them as if it's a form of gratitude.

Has anyone had a very stiff upper lip/children should be "good" upbringing like I did but managed to really talk to their parents later about tricky things like how you want to bring up your own kids?

TheProvinvialLady, that's exactly how it is with us too - in-laws would always stay out of it or at least check with me & dh first. The thing is, I could talk to them about something I wasn't happy with but never actually need to - always the way isn't it?! I've been wondering if it's because they are not my parents so don't come with all the added history, but I think in reality it's just that we are more similar in the way we look at things and the way they brought up dh is the way I want to bring up my dcs.

Me & in-laws - several kids, clear communication, encourage independence, comfortable with expression of emotion, both positive and negative, don't expect kids to be perfect.

my parents - had only me who was very quiet and passive, mixed messages of nice things said in passive-aggressive kind of way, constant stifling attention and don't let kids do things for themselves in case they make a mess/fall/whatever, have to say the right things no matter how you are feeling, definitely no negative emotions allowed, kids are either good or naughty, not much middle ground.

Sorry to waffle but that gives quite a good picture of the situation.

You are the parent...they should take their lead from you, respect the fact you are the parent and sing from the same hymn sheet. If they cannot/will not do this...limit their contact with your children...

Thanks ally - that is exactly what I would like them to do, but.....if I do tell them (which I am not in habit of doing due to not being able to break habits of lifetime) they usually do it but there is much offence taken and tension for good few hours.

There must be someone out there who has managed to break this cycle??

Have just been staying with them so possibly disproportionately irritated by it right now. I do feel like limiting contact, but after a while you start to forget how awful it was....

I think some grandparents forget the developmental stages - my Dad for instance in a similar vein will expect my 2 year old to be able to sit at the table without moving or some such thing - totally not taking into account her age. Same as your Dad TCW - totally not taking into account tiredness and hunger etc... which will kind of make a young child irrational. My Dad in general is okay though and my MIL is very laid back in her approach to kids so I'm afraid I don't have much advice. If I think my Dad is being too strict I will say and he might have a bit of a snigger privately but is not really that bothered. Also he has decided to go and live 2000 kms away and comes to see us for about a week (staying in his own flat not far away) every three months so we do not have issues of over contact! I hope you come to an understanding with your parents that makes you feel better.

Arabella I think that it part of it - the forgetting and also the fact that they only had me and I was extremely passive (at least outwardly - I now wonder if I was rebelling inwardly for years!) so they have no comparison.

But I also think it goes much deeper, which is why it so hard to change. I have come to realise over time that they have a lot of their own issues (which I suspect will never be explored), especially when it comes to being open and being able able to say what you think and feel. It's all appearances and what will everyone think etc etc. A typical example from my own childhood (I was about 15 or 16)- one of my mum's friends was being really nosy and asking me lots of personal questions about whether I fancied any boy or had a boyfriend. I refused to give her any info and probably had a look on my face, but afterwards, instead of saying how rude the woman was, she told me off for not being more polite!

My mum told me off, I should have said.

TCW I have very similar issues with my parents and similar issues from childhood (shows how much is learned behaviour). My mum is quite odd though. She expects reassurance as to what a great grandparent she is. I pick up on the serious things but she mostly ignores my advice and does things her own way anyway. At the moment I let most of it go because it gets me nowhere to argue. It just makes me want to distance myself and my Ds from her. Sorry not really helpful advice.

Yes all very complex - my Dad insists on calling my little boy "Char" when his name is Charlie and suddenly calling himself Grandpa when he's always been known as Grandad (very confusing! for a 21 month old as hubbies father is known as Grandpa) oh - and sayin g "Ta" when Charlie perfectly says thankyou and saying silly things like "lovely jubbly" so Charlie mimics him and generally getting up my nose so I spend the entire visit acting like a completely anally retentive cow and feel soooo guilty afterwards...pheww....Apart from that no problems really !

TCW - in a similar position to you I'm afraid. Totally get the "perfect behaviour as gratitude" thing.

Bizarrely the whatshername Fearnley-Whittingstall book has helped my mum as it says a lot of the good stuff Anna mentions but in a way that my mum seems to take in.

I would love to hear too from those that have broken this. My mum is now terminally ill - so I doubt I ever will - I have become more non-confrontational than ever.

Sorry to hear about your mum mylittlepudding. Must have a look at that book you mention. The gratitude thing is weird - my parents constantly give the dcs things they don't need (which annoys me in itself) then threaten to take them away again when they don't behave as they think they should. My dcs know they would NEVER carry out the threat.

marymungo - know exactly what you mean about being all stressed out around the gps then feeling bad about it as they have been so generous and well-meaning etc etc. I know I have offended them on many occasions - I go between feeeling bad about it and thinking actually I was quite right to say what I did.
Today my dad even threatened to take ds's pizza away!

It's seems from everyone's replies then that I'm hoping for the earth and that's not going to happen.

Funny what you said about the names thing marymungo - my parents now only call each other grandma and grandad even when talking about nothing to do with the dcs. Maybe it puts extra distance between them or something. And I am only Mummy now, which makes me lose the will to live, as in "dd's nails are very long, Mummy." Nothing is ever SAID, only suggested. Aaaaarrrggghhhh.

TwoCurlyWurlies, I don't think they are going to understand or change, from what you said. I really don't know why these people can't take on new ideas. It's not meant nastily is it? My in laws are similar. We've tried big talks and it all ends in tear. We've tried confronting and not confronting and none of it works. I'm afraid they will probably always be a pain in the neck and it will always be your job to protect your dcs. I see saving the iggle piggle bowl or pizza as protecting. Poor things. Good luck with the loonies! Sorry, but they do get on my nerves these people!