This was me and I was married to a narcissist. I was scared of him and his rages. If I tell you I was with him for 40 years you can see how frozen I was. By the time of the divorce, I was retired and my adult child had moved out.
My advice - see the solicitor, find out where all the money is, find out where he has hidden money (he’s a narcissist so he will have done this). Thoroughly research everything you need to do. Find out all about the legal, financial, support available you can. Do not let him know.
Reach out to a few trusted friends and family. I did this, unfortunately I was badly betrayed by a ‘trusted’friend. But still tell people you can trust, and edit what you say to others.
How to tell him? Scary, scary, scary. I ended up so wound up about my marriage that I lost my temper (so unusual for me) with a member of his family. It was unforgivable of me.
However, it led to the conversation where I said I was unhappy and wanted to go to relationship counselling. He said he refused to talk about our marriage with a stranger (typical for a narcissist). I said that was my line in the sand, he said fuck off and get your divorce.
So I guess that was one way to do it.
i ended up living in the marital home with him for 9 months. I literally hid in my room and only went to the kitchen when I thought he was out. I kept milk and a kettle in my room and lived off omelettes (takes 5 mins to cook).
it didn’t stop him barging in my room to argue and shout and rage at me about anything that he didn’t like. Even appointing my solicitor I was told was adversarial. So please try and physically leave as soon as possible. This experience broke me and made me so much more emotionally weaker that the rest of the divorce was a nightmare for me. He would not use a solicitor (because as a narcissist, why would he waste his money, when he could do it so much better himself).
Sorry, that all sounds rather dismal - but just to say after all the misery I am now divorced. I am planning to move close to my married child. I am so relieved to now live a life of peace and calm.
You are possibly stronger than I was. You have been married for less years. I hadn’t worked and had no independent financial means (huge mistake).
Yes there are difficulties ahead for you and your children, but the longer you stay the less able you will be able to have the strength or courage to leave.
You say you have anger, that is a good thing - I ended up only feeling helpless.
Dont be me, please don’t. Be strategic and coolheaded. I pinned up a sign that read Use Logic not emotion.
During the divorce he would deliberately try to wind me up. He liked the conflict, the drama - so learn to grey rock.
Rember, you will leave one day. The longer you leave it, the harder it will get. And everyday you spend in misery and anger with him, could have been spent in peace and calm with yourself and children. Don’t be me.