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Original poster

Am I just being petty now

28 replies

LuckyLinda3 · 19/04/2025 19:25

Since Xmas we have struggled to get time together. He works 12hr shifts every other weekend and has had a few lads/football weekends on his off weekends which I'm happy with as long as we get time but unfortunately we haven't been
He is working today and tomorrow so I took Thursday off and booked a cheap hotel break so we could still have quality time together
On Wed's night he messaged to say why dont we just stay home in either his or mine. I was so upset as I had taken leave and booked time off around his schedule. We ended up not going after falling out about it. This is the 3rd time I've booked something since xmas and the other 2 times I cancelled so he could go on a lads trip/weekend football trip
His response is he doesn't need to go away to spend time together which is fair enough but he knows I like to and that I've been trying to get away with him since Xmas
He called today with easter eggs for me and my kids and an expensive present for me. He is very kind and I realise he is probably trying to make it up to me but he knows I'm not materialistic and I'm still annoyed and would rather just talk and resolve it properly
I am finding it difficult to get past the disappointment this time....all advice appreciated

OP posts:
Eagle2025 · 19/04/2025 19:29

How long have you been seeing each other?

Original poster
LuckyLinda3 · 19/04/2025 19:32

Just over a year

OP posts:
Springadorable · 19/04/2025 19:32

Yeah sounds petty. He wants to spend time with you, you want to spend time with him, so at home is fine if someone doesn't want to go away.

Arlanymor · 19/04/2025 19:34

Sounds like mismatched expectations. He has a routine, usually staying at home because he shift works long hours, and then he has some things programmed in throughout the year with male friends that have probably been things they have done for years prior. You just need to talk to him properly about it, it’s not that he doesn’t want to spend time with you, you just need to meet in the middle. Nothing wrong with saying that if he has two breaks away with the boys each year then can you and he have the same, even just weekend city breaks. If it’s getting you this upset you need a conversation about what the year ahead looks like. Did you ask him before you booked the hotel or did you just do it and expect him to want to do it? If he reneged that’s one thing, but if he didn’t want to do it in the first place and you didn’t ask him then you can’t get cross about that can you?

Eagle2025 · 19/04/2025 19:34

Did he know you were taking time off and booking a hotel or was it a surprise? Not good if he knew you were making that effort then decided last minute he just wanted to stay home

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 19/04/2025 19:38

Hmmm not great but sounds like different expectations.

Have you both done the love quiz and then send each other your results so you can see how you receive care and love. He may not truly understand how much the time together and going on dates means to you.

I hate when relationships get to the let’s just stay in stage I feel cooped up and hate it so I couldn’t handle being with someone who just wanted to stay in

Original poster
LuckyLinda3 · 19/04/2025 19:38

Thanks for the replies
Yeah he knew surely, it was my treat and I had organised it to suit his work schedule so he could get a rest and a wee night away but still be back for his working weekend
Could be mismatched expectations to be fair but I have noticed he prefers to socialise locally and headed on out that night himself when we didn't go

OP posts:
Original poster
LuckyLinda3 · 19/04/2025 19:40

@PivotPivotmakingmargaritas thanks for that
Yes I agree, love having someone to share the stuff I enjoy doing with and likewise
I've gone to events/football matches with him even though I have no real interest so I get the need to compromise

OP posts:
HeatedBlanketAllYear · 19/04/2025 19:43

So you’ve book 3 trips away and had to cancel them all, while he goes away with the lads when he wants to instead of seeing you?
The present was to keep you quiet.
You’re not a priority otherwise you wouldn’t be posting here. I’d end it now as he’s not likely to change. Or he would have already.

Original poster
LuckyLinda3 · 19/04/2025 19:46

@HeatedBlanketAllYear....that's my concern to be fair

OP posts:
Seagreensmokeyblue · 19/04/2025 21:35

It sounds like his friends are more important to him than you OP.

Original poster
LuckyLinda3 · 19/04/2025 23:23

Seagreensmokeyblue · 19/04/2025 21:35

It sounds like his friends are more important to him than you OP.

It certainly feels that way at times

OP posts:
Catoo · 19/04/2025 23:45

Stop booking weekends away for him. He doesn’t want to go. (I also hate weekends away when I could be relaxing at home TBH so I maybe am over sympathising with him).

If your gut feeling is he’s avoiding spending time with you, and prefers to see his friends most free weekends, then I would say that is the issue.

After a year he should perhaps be more keen to spend time with you. But it sounds like he likes the status quo, and it seems like that isn’t enough for you.

Take some time to think about whether it’s still working for you. Is this relationship stopping you from meeting someone more compatible?

Original poster
LuckyLinda3 · 20/04/2025 00:13

Catoo · 19/04/2025 23:45

Stop booking weekends away for him. He doesn’t want to go. (I also hate weekends away when I could be relaxing at home TBH so I maybe am over sympathising with him).

If your gut feeling is he’s avoiding spending time with you, and prefers to see his friends most free weekends, then I would say that is the issue.

After a year he should perhaps be more keen to spend time with you. But it sounds like he likes the status quo, and it seems like that isn’t enough for you.

Take some time to think about whether it’s still working for you. Is this relationship stopping you from meeting someone more compatible?

Thank you @Catoo...I was just thinking earlier this evening that I will take some time to re-evaluate things.

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 20/04/2025 00:16

HeatedBlanketAllYear · 19/04/2025 19:43

So you’ve book 3 trips away and had to cancel them all, while he goes away with the lads when he wants to instead of seeing you?
The present was to keep you quiet.
You’re not a priority otherwise you wouldn’t be posting here. I’d end it now as he’s not likely to change. Or he would have already.

I agree with this.

Original poster
LuckyLinda3 · 20/04/2025 00:18

pikkumyy77 · 20/04/2025 00:16

I agree with this.

Show quote history

Thanks...I appreciate others perspectives as I think I'm allowing my feelings for him to cloud my judgement

OP posts:
SallyDraperGetInHere · 20/04/2025 00:21

Sounds like you are trying to break a cycle and he’s not really bothered to make the effort, even though it’s clear it matters to you (organising, booking leave, paying.) Are you feeling shut down? The relationship may not have legs if he’s not interested in showing a commitment.

Original poster
LuckyLinda3 · 20/04/2025 00:43

SallyDraperGetInHere · 20/04/2025 00:21

Sounds like you are trying to break a cycle and he’s not really bothered to make the effort, even though it’s clear it matters to you (organising, booking leave, paying.) Are you feeling shut down? The relationship may not have legs if he’s not interested in showing a commitment.

I'm not sure that I'm trying to break a cycle as such. We both have loads of separate interests and friends and I'm keen to keep that but I feel he lacks awareness of the need to carve out time for us especially given our very different work schedules
Ultimately as others have said I don't want to be wasting either of our time if we just can't work this out

OP posts:
Passmetheaero · 20/04/2025 07:23

Is he quite young? I’m getting the vibe he’s in his 20s/30s, the age where hanging out with mates is important. Still a bit shitty of him that he places you bottom of his list of priorities.

AlphaApple · 20/04/2025 07:45

It might be just you have different ideas of what spending quality time together is. When I was working flat out I just wanted to be in my own home on my days off.

Sit down with him and have a really good talk about how you are both feeling.

WakingUpToReality · 20/04/2025 07:48

Could be mismatched expectations to be fair but I have noticed he prefers to socialise locally and headed on out that night himself when we didn't go

He went out that night without you? He knew you wanted to spend time with him because you planned the time away, but then he went out without you? Did he invite you out to join him?

daisychain01 · 20/04/2025 07:56

LuckyLinda3 · 19/04/2025 19:46

@HeatedBlanketAllYear....that's my concern to be fair

Please act on your concerns, your instincts are telling you after 3 attempts at having some quality time together he's let you down time after time.

what would it have taken him to sling some things in an overnight bag and gone away with you for an overnight? answer - nothing. He just can't be bothered to make the effort.

100% agree with PP that the presents were a quick way of shutting you up.

But then again, i can't stand grown men over 25 going off on football piss ups with the lads, gives me the ick!

Original poster
LuckyLinda3 · 20/04/2025 08:29

Passmetheaero · 20/04/2025 07:23

Is he quite young? I’m getting the vibe he’s in his 20s/30s, the age where hanging out with mates is important. Still a bit shitty of him that he places you bottom of his list of priorities.

Mid 50's

OP posts:
Original poster
LuckyLinda3 · 20/04/2025 08:30

AlphaApple · 20/04/2025 07:45

It might be just you have different ideas of what spending quality time together is. When I was working flat out I just wanted to be in my own home on my days off.

Sit down with him and have a really good talk about how you are both feeling.

You could be right, I'm annoyed so taking a bit of time to mull it over but yes I agree, we will talk then

OP posts:
Original poster
LuckyLinda3 · 20/04/2025 08:31

WakingUpToReality · 20/04/2025 07:48

Could be mismatched expectations to be fair but I have noticed he prefers to socialise locally and headed on out that night himself when we didn't go

He went out that night without you? He knew you wanted to spend time with him because you planned the time away, but then he went out without you? Did he invite you out to join him?

No. We live about 45 mins from each other so he just went on himself

OP posts: