Does this feel equal?

[Mumzpotty]

Needing a bit of a reality check maybe, or some general thoughts on whether our family dynamic feels equal?

We split all outgoings 50/50. We have a cleaner fortnightly to help keep on top of the cleaning, and we use Gousto and supermarket deliveries so no one has to shop.

Parent 1

• Earns 64k
• Out at work 6-6 (this includes commute), sometimes working extra hours at the weekend
• Does bath/bed 4 days per week
• Takes DC1 to sport 1 day per week
• Takes bins out weekly (often forgets)
• Cooks evening meals 1 night per week
• School pick up 1 day per week
• Cleans kitchen after dinner around 3 nights per week
• Does laundry a few times per month
• Mows the grass
• Does DIY involving power tools
• If at home at the weekend, gets up with DC2 on one day (is normally awake anyway)

Parent 2

• Earns 52k but receives the child benefit
• Manages all household finances/life admin
• Works condensed hours over 4 days - 3 WFH 1 in office
• Does all weekday morning care and school drop offs
• School pick up 3 days per week (DC2 at home 1 day)
• Cooks all meals for DC and does after school care
• Does bath/bed 3 nights per week
• Cooks evening meals 5 nights per week
• Laundry 3 times per week
• Hoover daily
• Kitchen clean 4/5 nights per week
• Garden planting/weeding
• DIY like painting/flat pack
• Does general daily tidying of toys, clothes, and "stuff"
• Puts DC laundry away, and shops for them
• Bathroom wipe down twice a week
• Does weekend childcare when P1 is working
• Offers a "lie in" 1 day at the weekend

No, it isn't a fair split, is it? Partner 2 earns less than partner 1. The child benefit shouldn't be considered as income because that is solely for the children and should not be used to pay for general outgoings.

It also looks like partner 2 is on duty 24/7 apart from the one day they are actually physically absent from home as they are in the office.

Why the hell is partner 2 doing all the life admin?

I wouldn’t be happy with this split in terms of childcare/ chores. In terms of household money, is it 50/50 for a reason? Does the higher earner put more money into family savings for example?

How do you expect partner 1 to do more when they are out of the home 12 hours a day 5 days a week? The only way I see they could do more at home would be to take a pay cut and drop one day a week to give them more time to help with chores?

P1 should be paying 60%

Given all the tasks do P1 and P2 have equal down time?

Finances are split 50/50 as base salary is roughly equivalent, any bonuses or additional pay varies year to year.

Family savings are paid into equally on a monthly basis.

Partner 2 lived alone prior to meeting/moving in together, so defaulted to taking on the life admin/finance management as they were used to doing it anyway.

For downtime - partner 1 attends a hobby 1 night per week, and every other weekend. Parent 2 works out from home in the evening.

Honestly, if I were partner 2 I would feel it was a bit unfair. Partner 1 has a relatively easy life.

It sounds quite stressful for both A and B, if I'm honest.

Are there things that you could stop doing (e.g. daily hoovering) or outsource (gardening)?

Or if B worked more standard hours and just used wraparound care, that might be less stressful

I don't think I would want to be either A or B here

Thanks for the input so far, it is hard to balance out.

For gardening we could outsource, but it's probably only once per month that either spend time on that. Daily hoovering is hard floors downstair only, and needs to be done otherwise the mess builds up.

B could do revert to standard hours over 5 days but this would only give an extra 30 mins each morning and 30 in the evening (short lunch break on 4 days), it would also mean paying for an additional day of childcare.

Partner 1 perspective is they accepts they have less responsibility but they are tired, and they do the DIY and other tasks which evens things out and Partner 1 doesn't appreciate that.

Partner 2 perspective is they accept they have more time at home, and should take more of the brunt of the work but it's difficult juggling everything and they don't feel appreciated either.

Outsource more

or do less

(as a family)

partner 2 is clearly doing more but I suspect the bigger problem is there’s a lot to do.

I’d get a robot vacuum for downstairs. You’ll still need to vacuum but it should mean you can cut the frequency.

id also look at doing one night a week just Cook ready meals and do a night off.

get a cleaner once a fortnight and a gardener once every 2 months.

One partner has more chores and admin, but the other spends more time at work or commuting. It's impossible to say based on that whether it's fair or not.

I think the questions should be:

1. Do you have equal free time?
2. Do you have equal savings and fun money?

I am not surprised both feel underappreciated - both are clearly working hard and doing a lot.

The only real solution to this is to do less - either just not do some things or outsource them.

I second a PP's suggestion of not cooking from scratch one night - or doing something very quick. A staple for us is curry and rice one night, make a load of extra rice and then do egg fried rice and vegetables the next night, with frozen veg, it literally takes 10 mins.

I'm tired but can't just opt out and neither should they. Do they do DIY every work or every day?!

To be fair, A here is out 6-6 weekdays, then doing bath and bed, it's not like they get a lot of downtime either.

I feel for both people here

To me it seems like it is split fairly but both partners have a lot to do. Could you batch cook for a couple of nights then you wouldn’t need to cook/ clean the kitchen afterwards. Or just make an easy tea which wouldn’t require much cleaning. A gardener is a good idea too if you can afford it.

P1s hours are awfully long for 60k.

DC normally in bed for 7.15 by which point both partners are zapped.

Batch cooking is an option along with the quick win dinners. We opted for gousto to take the "planning and prep" element out of the equation and it has helped, we were eating a lot of takeaway and convenience foods before doing this.

P1 is paid for 50 hours per week from 7-5, plus over time for anything above that.

Agree with the robot hoover!

Good point. +No one also knows what each is dealing with at work. Some jobs are stressful on some level all the time as there are deadlines and complex or high risk tasks.

Instead of asking is this equal given both feel tired and unappreciated, why not work out a way both can get rest, me time and more quality time together?

It really shouldn’t matter whether other people would find it equal it’s what YOU feel is equal and you clearly don’t, assuming you are partner 2.

your partner given the hours he or she works, actually puts in a decent shift at home IMO. You do as well but there are defiantly things you are doing which don’t need to be done such as hoovering every day and doing three laundry loads a week, Although these shouldn’t take more than 10 minutes each anyway.

You earn a decent combined salary so you could easily outsource a cleaner and gardener, and maybe suggest cooking meals together. Gusto and other meal kits generally take 15-20 minutes to rustle up.

it shouldn’t be a competition for who pulls more weight, it’s finding equality within the relationship and communicating to each other in areas you don’t think are equal.

I think if you've got to be he stage of writing lists of who contributes what then there's obviously an imbalance

I think some of this depends on the ages of the DC too, but I second the posters saying it sounds like both partners are doing a lot and maybe trying to get too much done.

deffo get the robot hoover (preferably one that mops too), life changing. Also don’t know how many hours your cleaner is doing every fortnight, but if it’s say 4 hours, you’d be better off getting them once a week for 2 hours to do bathrooms, bedsheet changes, etc.

if the DC are old enough not to need constant supervision, trying to get a reset/prep day in at the weekend is a game changer - get a big delivery of food in and batch cook loads and get the outside/garden/DIY/car etc bits done on the one day and the other weekend day is freed up for fun…

and yeah, outsource as much as you can afford, if possible x