Hi all, sorry long post please bare with me!
I left a relationship last year.
We had been together for 4 years. It started so well, we fell in love, got engaged and everything was lovely. It was so natural, he was great with my kids.
He did show some signs of it's my way or the highway but I'm easy going so it didn't bother me. He could be selfish but I figured most guys are so it's normal. He moved in with me after about 8 months.
The last 2 years of the relationship was hard. He became very resentful of my children (not his)
He started complaining about them alot, then shouting at them a lot and eventually he started to physically discipline them which is something I don't do and I made it clear was a boundary. He was given one chance to stop the physical discipline after the first time and he didn't so I ended it. In the time after that he wouldn't accept that I wanted to end things for the sake of my kids and became pretty verbally abusive to me and aggressive. I left with the kids one day when he was at work and I haven't spoken to him since.
During the last few years he would also say things to make me insecure like I needed to lose weight (I'm 5ft 6 and 10 stone so not unhealthy) that any other man would run a mile if they met my kids. That now I'm 40 I'm old and washed up, he spent the last 2 years of the relationship telling me I'm almost 40 and taunting me, then didn't bother to give me anything for my 40th at all!
He said while on holiday that he no longer wanted to get married, then back tracked when I took my engagement ring off a few days later and said he wanted to get married within 18months and we should start to plan the wedding asap.
He would degrade me if it was the time of the month, tell me how disgusting periods are and say vile things to me about being on my period.
He had a low labido and would reject me alot and then blame me not initiating sex enough and my kids being at home for our lack of sex life.
He would tell me if I ever cheated he would bury me under the patio (in a jokey way), he would put his hands around my neck and tell me he could break my neck in a second if he wanted to.
In the next breathe I was the love of his life!
I am a parent carer for my autistic son who is out of school and he would say things lke he wishes he could be like me and then he would sit in the garden all day drinking martinis which is so insulting as it's hard being a sen parent, especially when I have 2 others aswell. I certainly don't spend my days drinking in the garden!
Amongst all that he would tell me he loved me more than anyone he'd ever known, he loved my kids, i was his soulmate etc etc. It was just soooo confusing!
That's just the tip of a very big iceberg!
Basically I've been left feeling worthless, unattractive and so confused about my feelings.
I really want to meet someone new in the future but I can't trust anyone around my kids anymore and I can't let anyone into my life properly until they are older but who the hell is going to want me? How can I trust want they say and do is real?
I thought I'd met the love of my life but he wasn't who I thought he was, it was a gradual showing if his true colours. How do I ever trust again and feel like I'm good enough?